Sleep in heavenly peace...That was the part of the song at church a few weeks ago that had Mommy's mind thinking and my emotions turned up to high gear.
The song came back around to the beginning again.
Silent night...
Holy night...
All is calm...
All is bright...
I had heard it a thousand times before during church service, on the radio, so many places. For some reason during this moment in church all I could think about was you. This song is about this joyous day when this most precious baby was born. This song is about Jesus. This song that reminds us of the good news somehow reminded me of that most awful night in Mommy and Daddy's lives. How the words in this song were so far from true for us on the night you left us. The night you went to be with Jesus in heaven.
As the song played on a memory from that sad night flashed in my mind. Standing right there in the middle of church I could almost hear myself, all that time ago, crying the saddest cry all over again. I remembered it was not at all a silent night for any of us. In this moment on the outside, Mommy did everything to hold it together.
Instantly empty. Lost. I remembered feeling so many different things on this night. As I stood beside Daddy at church, moving my lips ever so slightly to the words of this song I could remember the confusion and disbelief that came with the heartbreaking news. Mommy remembers thinking only of all that was lost.
Nothing felt calm. Nothing felt bright for a very long, long time.
With perfect harmony and the purest sound, the worship team sang the next words.
Sleep in heavenly peace...
These words took on a completely different meaning to Mommy in this moment. Sure, Mommy knows these words are really all about the baby Jesus. But in this moment, these words were about you. This phrase warmed Mommy's soul. This phrase reminded Mommy of where you are and who you are with.
This Christmas season Mommy thinks of you. As always I wonder what kind of joy we would be experiencing having you here with us instead of there. But finally, after all this time, Mommy sees the precious gift we have in you being there with Jesus. Mommy sees how heaven is so much more real to us because you are there. For that, I feel such a blessing.
At night Mommy sleeps peacefully. It's because I know fully that heaven is where you rest my sweet girl.
Loving and missing you always in the silence and stillness of this late night my sweet Kaden Layne...
