Never Grow Up

One of Mommy's favorite spots in our whole house is this little wall inside Mommy and Daddy's closet.  What's on it may not seem like much to many.  It's a bit messy, a little inconsistent, and looks to most like scribble scrabble.  But what's on that wall is super precious to me.  It shows a little of Jack and a lot of Layne.  Over time it's become Mommy's favorite.

Jack has grown about four inches
in the last six months!

On that wall are the markings of Layne and Jack.  It shows how much they have grown over the last few months and, for Layne, years. It's Mommy's favorite spot because it's a concrete example of how much they have each grown.  Its pencil markings are reminders of how blessed Mommy is to watch them grow up.   I love seeing their little lines move up and up.

On that wall there's one thing missing.  You.

This time of year Mommy often hears people say they wish time could slow down, that their kids are growing too fast.  While Mommy has those moments too, more often than not, Mommy finds herself excited to see how your little brother and sister are growing up. With each milestone, Mommy sees a little of what it might have been like with you.

Layne has begun to write her
own name next to her
 marks on the wall.

In the weeks after you passed away Mommy filled much of the empty time seeking information.  At first it was answers related to what could have caused you to be taken from us so suddenly and without a cause. As time went on, deep curiosity filled Mommy's mind.  What was it like for you in Heaven?  Would anyone there know your bedtime routine or your tickle spots?  Would anyone be there to make you feel special or would you just be lost in the crowd?  And what Mommy wondered most of all, would you grow up  or stay little?

Everything Mommy learned about Heaven shared how the body is made whole again.  That everything broken would be fixed.  That disease and disability would be gone.  The old would become young again and the pain and suffering felt on earth would forever go away.  But what about the youngest? What about babies?  Would they grow up or would they stay little? Vague and unsure were the answers of most of the authors.

Here you are dancing with your cousin Cy.
Cy's in third grade this year.

This week Mommy started another school year. Mommy can already tell I have a super sweet group of twenty-six seven and eight year olds. They are bright. They are kind. They are fun to watch.  They would have been your classmates, your friends.  As the year begins, it's hard not to wonder which ones of the kids in Mommy's class might have been your good friends. It's hard to watch them play together outside and not wonder where you might have fit in. In some ways, it's hard to even imagine you being that big.

Mommy sure misses this smile. 

Five and a half years.  It makes me sad to even think of all that Mommy may have missed out on.  If Mommy could have it my way I would ask, please baby girl, never grow up.  Stay little.

While the time Mommy had with you may have been short, the love that Mommy feels stretches far greater.

Love you, miss you, think of you always Sweet Baby Girl.

The Empty Chairs

My Dear Kaden Layne,

Mommy stood beside the other girls smiling as the picture was taken.  Each of us held up a small charm that we had pulled from the bridal shower cake.  With the ribbon tucked between our fingers, we each held up a different one.  The charm, a gift from the bride.

Mommy's was a tiny silver rocking chair.  The thought of a rocking chair reminded me of grandmas taking it easy on the covered porches of little old towns.  Secretly Mommy wished she had picked a different ribbon to pull.  What would I do with a rocking chair?  How did this little charm say anything about my life at the time?  After all, Mommy had just married Daddy a few years before and we were far from that phase of life.  The dainty charm was tucked safely in the back of my jewelry box.

Ashley & Mike's Wedding ~ June 2008

A few months later it was the big day for this special friend.  For Daddy and Mommy, this would become a pretty special time in our lives as well.  The morning after the bride and groom said their I Do's, Mommy found herself holding a test that said YES!

It had been months of wishing, hoping, dreaming.  Months of disappointment, worry, and even a little grief.  But that three letter word changed it all for Mommy and Daddy.  That was the day Mommy and Daddy will never forget.  That was the day we first learned we would have you!

Over the next few months Mommy and Daddy did the traditional things new expecting parents do. We read.  We planned.  We gloated. We worried. We dreamed of what our little family would be like. When you were born, Mommy and Daddy's hearts felt full.

You at 3 months sitting all by yourself
in Mommy's rocking chair.

That year Mommy got a rocking chair for my birthday and Mother's Day gift from your Donna Ma and Norm Pa. For your first Christmas, your Great Grandma Judy got you a rocking chair of your own.  Your name was embossed on its wood - a tradition started by your great grandma for each new grandbaby.

Your first Christmas at Great Grandma Judy's
with your new rocking chair. 

When you passed away about six months later it was so incredibly hard to see your empty little chair.  It was hard to see everything of yours really. There were so many empty chairs all around us - your high chair, your carseat, even the space in Mommy's grocery cart. Today, there are others -the empty chair at our small kitchen table at breakfast, the empty seat next to your little sister on the roller coaster ride at the kiddie fair, the chair in what might have been your second grade class at Mommy's school. There are empty chairs all around.


Mommy thinks back to all the pictures I have of you in your rocking chair and me in mine.  Those pictures and the tender memories they share are precious to me.  Mommy thinks back to the bittersweet feelings that came when your baby sister began to enjoy the things that were once yours, including those chairs.  I can think of a handful of pictures of her sitting by your window with a smile so big and I can still remember thinking of you.  And now, I can't help but laugh thinking about your adventurous eighteen month old little brother Jack climbing up, cautiously maneuvering to stand big and tall, raising his hands overhead, and squealing with delight! I'm so glad we have those little chairs. Yours still sits by your window in your room.

Your rocking chair still sits by your window in your bedroom.
Such sweet memories of you.

Mommy once heard a sermon from a well-known minister in Louisville.  If Mommy recalls correctly, the sermon was about who you would pick to have dinner with when you got to heaven.  To help illustrate the message the church had a dining room table set up on the stage with different chairs placed around.  One of them was a high chair.  Of course I thought of you. During the message there were references to the people in our families we may have lost over the years.  The overall message focused on the belief that as Christ followers we will see these loved ones again in heaven one day.

When Mommy thinks of that little silver charm I think of your rocking chair and of all the people in my life who have empty chairs too.  That little charm is also a reminder that there will be a day, probably a long time from now when Mommy is old and gray like those little old women on the covered porches.  And one day, there will once again be a rocking chair for you and me to share.

Until then my dear Kaden Layne, I carry you with me...

Worth a Thousand Words

Hi Sweet Girl,

It's June and with summer comes vacation time for us. It won't be long before we take your baby brother Jack to the beach for the first time. Tonight, I found myself revisiting some of our last memories made as a family on our vacation with friends to the Outer Banks in North Carolina.  As Mommy scrolled through the pictures of you and me and of you and daddy, the memories, warm feelings, and perfectly happy times came back like it was yesterday. 

In these pictures Mommy sees so much joy.  In our eyes there is no glimmer of sadness or hint of disappointment. In our smiles there are no signs of sorrow or burdens of grief peering through. Our hands hold your weight and our hearts hold the excitement of all that we have to look forward to in this life with you. In these images Mommy only sees complete and pure joy.  

That was six years ago. The pictures since then have been a smorgasbord of emotional and physical highs and lows.  After much needed time to heal and the blessings of your sister Layne and baby brother Jack, Mommy and Daddy are just now at a place where life is feeling a little more balanced again. Our joy is finally beginning to cancel out all the sadness and grief.  Our smiles in pictures these days are beginning to resemble those captured in our memories with you all that time ago. The pictures being painted are finally more like our reality again.

With the recent turn of the calendar, Jack turned 17 months old. So much of you is wrapped up in him.  From the squishy legs to the toothy grin, he's a boy version of you for sure.  Mommy sees so many of your sweet expressions in his precious face.  Even his jibber-jabber carries a similar tune. When Mommy looks at him, watches him, loves on him and plays with him, I find it incredibly difficult to believe this is where it all stopped with you. You were one day shy of 17 months when you unexpectedly passed away.  One day shy of another day with us.


Looking ahead to our vacation Mommy can't help but be excited for all the moments we will get to experience with Jack's first visit to the beach.  Mommy's thankful that through your life and through our loss, we have gained an incredible appreciation for the joy that comes with the simple things. 

If a picture like this is worth a thousand words, the emotion it stirs in this Mommy's heart is completely priceless.

Love you, miss you, and always carrying you memory with us Sweet Girl.

My favorite part of this picture is Daddy's smile.  He was always so happy to see you and play with you and would work so hard to get you to giggle and laugh.  He loved you so much and Mommy loved him even more because of it.

This is one of my very favorites from our vacation.  You were so exhausted from our day at the beach that you fell asleep the minute we loaded you in your car seat.  My favorite part of this picture is your sweet bottom lip all puffed out.  It reminds me how kissable you always were. 

Mommy always thought you looked so grown up in this picture. I love the way the sun highlights the rolls on your arms...one of Mommy's many favorite parts of you.   No other baby could compete with those "muscles".

Your smile in this picture is what I often think your smile might have been like today.  I love how your eyes are smiling back too!

Dedicated

This is you at 15 months.  It was a pretty
Sunday afternoon.  We had just attended Uncle
Jamie's church service in NKY. 

Hi Sweet Girl,

Today is your day and so much has happened over the past month.  So much of it has been good, so much has been a whirlwind.

Sunday was Mother's Day.  On Sunday we also celebrated your little sister's birthday.  FIVE!  Can't believe she is a whole hand now!  It seems like just yesterday she came. Your little sis was the rainbow after the storm for our family.  Over the past five years she has brought so much joy back to our lives.  Sometimes we like to think she gives us a glimpse of what you may have been like.  We treasure that so very much.

Sunday was also a special day for another reason.  Layne and Jack were dedicated at church.  Baby dedication has always been held on Mother's Day at our church.  Even when you were here with us, it was on Mother's Day.  For some reason, we never had you dedicated.  Mommy thinks it's probably because we were always out of town visiting Grandma Trish and your Donna Ma.  After you passed away, Mommy felt guilty for not every having you dedicated.  Over time, I've come to realize that you being in heaven is sort of like the opposite of dedication.  It's more like a graduation of some sort.

You see, when God blessed Daddy and Me with the news that we would have another baby just one month after you passed away after all those years it took for us to conceive you, I knew that your presence with God in heaven must have had something to do with that answered prayer.

Nine months later, as God listened to Mommy's fears of being a childless mom on Mother's Day, God and you worked together to devise a plan far better than Mommy's scheduled c-section.

This is your sis Layne and baby
brother Jack getting dedicated in
front of the congregation at our church.

After Mommy and Daddy spent all those months and years wishing and hoping and praying for another baby, just so we could see what it was like to have two babies to love and care for on this earth, you and God were working out the timeline to make sure your baby brother came at the perfect time, when Mommy and Daddy were emotionally and physically healed as much as we could possibly be from the grief and pain of losing you.  Mommy and Daddy thank God everyday for that perfect timing.

This is our campus pastor and good family
friend, Brad, sharing about our family.

So as Mommy thinks about Layne and Jack, and of you, Mommy knows deep down they've been dedicated far longer than three days that have passed.  From you, Mommy and Daddy learned the most difficult lessons of faith and trust, peace and hope.  We learned you were always a gift from God. Everyday single day we see Jack and Layne as the blessings they were intended to be.

Tell God we said "thanks" for entrusting us with his little children.  Whether it's 16 months, five years, or a lifetime, Mommy and Daddy are so very grateful for the time we are given.

Love you, miss you Baby Girl...

You are our angel in heaven, sweet Kaden Layne, and a
reminder of where our focus should be. 

Blessings Reminded

Hi Sweet Girl,

Another month has come and gone.  So much has happened in these last 30 days.  Jack began walking and started talking more and more. While we still can't make out most of what he is saying, we're still pretty sure he's got "nana" and "nigh, nigh" under his belt.  Since bananas are his most favorite of all (he can eat a whole one by himself) and snuggling with his soft blankie Grandma Trish gave him when he was first born right before bed, it's no wonder he knows those.  Mommy remembers a sweet baby that was just like him. ;)

This month has also been a reminder of another kind.  A reminder of a lesson Mommy and Daddy once learned a little over five years ago.

Each school night Mommy packs Layne's lunch and I'm reminded of how lucky I am to get to see your little sister learn and go to school with her friends.  Mommy remembers a time when just the thought of you not having the chance to grow and play like all your little friends would break my heart.  I would have given anything to see you grow up along with your little friends.

Each afternoon Mommy looks around at the chaos and clutter that fills our kitchen and floors and I take a deep breath and remind myself just how lucky I am to hear the pitter-patter of two sets of little feet chase each other down the hall.  Mommy remembers a time when our house seemed too quiet and way too clean, even for this OCD momma.  I remember a time when I would have given anything to have a reason to do something for you.

Every weekend it seems Mommy is stretching and twisting to help relax the muscles in my lower back - a little reminder of how lucky I am to get to hold your husky little sack-of-potatoes of a little brother.  Mommy remembers a time when just seeing another mother hold her baby would make me so sad that I couldn't hold mine.  I would have given anything to feel the weight of your warm little body resting on mine.

This month has been a hard one.  Not nearly as much for Mommy as it has been on a dear friend.  Let's just say that Mommy and Daddy and lots of other mommies and daddies are reminded to appreciate the simple times we have with each other every day.  These blessings that each day holds, even the small ones that don't get noticed as such, are more near and dear than we can imagine, especially when we no longer have them to share.

Sweet Girl...say hello to my friend Mr. Buttercup. Let him know there are a lot of people down here who miss him so, so much already.

Love you, miss you, and think of you always.

Mommy

February 28th

February 28th is a date that Mommy will never forget.  It was the day you were set to be due.  I remember when Dr. Youkilis first mentioned this date.  I recall thinking how nice it would be to have you a few weeks past Valentine's Day.  Mommy didn't want you to ever have to share your special day with a holiday. I was always thinking toward the future.

When you were born seventeen days early, Mommy and Daddy were both so surprised.  To be quite honest, Mommy was a little disappointed.  Not because I didn't want to see your sweet face, it was more so because your birthday would be just a few days before Valentine's Day.  The moment I saw you all that went out the window. It was love at first sight seeing your tiny little features.  Mommy no longer cared when you were born.  I was just so happy to hold a healthy and perfect baby girl.

Fast forward to your first birthday. Mommy found out real quickly that February 11th was the best birthday.  Your day sat perfectly between Christmas and Daddy's birthday. It gave Mommy just enough time to recover from the rush of the holidays.  It gave me the right amount of time to make your birthday party super special.  Mommy would have never imagined this would be the only chance I would get to plan a special day for you.

November 2010.  It had been almost five months since you passed away.  Life was completely different than the year before.  It was just Mommy and Daddy.  And that was really hard.

That November, Mommy and Daddy saw that a new Disney movie had just come out.  Mommy, being the kid at heart, loved Disney movies, so Daddy took me to see it.  

As Mommy and Daddy sat together watching the movie,we were surprised to see how similar this story was to ours.  In the beginning, the mother and father were overjoyed by the birth of their first born, a daughter.  Soon after being born, a terrible old woman kidnapped their baby, leaving them heartbroken and sad.  As the movie progressed, we learned that the woman would raise their baby as her own, just to use the special power she possessed in her magic hair.  We watched as the years went by and her parents continued to mourn over her, their lost child. It was like looking into our future.

Luckily the whole movie wasn't all gloom and doom. There were many funny parts, and one thing was special.  Each year on their daughter's birthday they would release a lantern into the sky.  The entire kingdom would join with them and release hundreds more lanterns.  And each year, the kidnapped young girl would watch and wonder.  She would see these beautiful lights in the sky and have no idea that these lights were being lit for her.  In the end, she would eventually be drawn to these lanterns and learn they were for her.  Her parents would be reunited with her after many, many years apart. Like all Disney movies, all would live happily ever after.

As Mommy and Daddy sat in the movie theater, surrounded by many moms and dads with their kids, we were taken aback by all the similarities. Mommy even got teary-eyed in a few parts.  So much of this story reminded Mommy of you. At the end, Mommy left feeling quite disappointed that our story wouldn't end like theirs. In spite of that, Mommy loved this movie so very much.

Fast forward to February 28th, just a few weeks ago.  It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  One of the first nice days in weeks, Mommy, Daddy, Layne, and Jack decided to make the most of the beautiful day by grilling and sitting out on the deck.  While we were out there, Layne, completely on her own, decided she wanted to celebrate you.  She told Mommy she wanted to have a birthday celebration for you.  One idea after another spouted out of her mouth.  She was motivated.  She was excited.  She was on a little mission. She brought Barbies and toys, made decorations, and drew pictures.  She walked around the deck picking up all the solar power lanterns by their handles.  She placed them strategically on top of the posts and railings so they faced directly up toward the sky. After that, she "lit" them as she began to sing Happy Birthday to you in her four year-old voice.

Your little sis, Layne, playing on the back deck. 

Watching her reminded me of that movie.  Seeing how she loves you in such a pure and simple way was the best reminder that you're never lost.  You're sweet spirit lives with us.  We know right where you are, and one day we will experience the happily-ever-after we once thought we'd never have.

Love and miss you sweet girl...

You and Daddy, March 2010.

All That We Have

Celebrating you on your first birthday in 2010.

Seven.  Mommy can't even imagine what you would be like at seven.  Seven years old is just too far from 16 months. When Mommy thinks of you, you're still the toddling little straight-haired girl you were all those years ago.  Squeaky shoes and bitty bows, it's hard to imagine anything other than what Mommy knows.  

Mommy made these special decorations for your party.
Now these little ladybug letters are in your scrapbook.

Tonight Layne and I watched your video.  We were in the parking lot of the gas station - the same one we once took you to.  We were passing time as we were waiting on your Donna Ma to pick up your little sis, Layne, and baby bro, Jack, for an overnight visit.   Seated close together in the front, Mommy was in the driver's seat and Layne was in the passenger's.  Like at a movie theater, we were seated super close together.  With the darkness of the night, the auxiliary cord plugged in, and the volume turned up, it looked and sounded like the best little movie theater.   Even though the screen was tiny and our heads were practically touching, it didn't matter.  Like a new release, neither of us could take our eyes off of you. 

The video was your birthday video.  It's the one Daddy made that first year we had to celebrate your birthday without you.   The echo of your little voice traveling through the car speakers was so clear.  It almost sounded like we were all there with you, or you with us.  Even Jack, seated in his carseat in the back, reacted like it was all real.  He responded to the pretty music and the sounds of familiar voices with sweet babbles and coos of his own.  This is the video, the one we share each year on your birthday with all of our friends online, that Mommy loves most because Daddy filled it with our favorite clips with you.

This is a picture Mommy hadn't come across before.
Mommy misses those squishy legs and your baby fine hair.

It was halfway through when Mommy first took my eyes away from the screen.  Mommy felt a smile draw up and a warm feeling started to grow inside Mommy's heart. I think it was in her eyes.  Layne's attention was completely glued to your every move. A slight squint in the corners of her eyes showed she enjoyed this part of the video even more.  It was of you and Daddy doing what she loves best -dancing.  As your whispy hair flowed behind every move Daddy lead you through, your little sis would smile an even more precious smile.  Between that and her ridiculously expressive eyebrows, I couldn't stop watching your little sister watching you.  That sweet little smile stayed plastered on her face until the very end.  

Tonight, when I was ready to cry, she continued to smile.  When Mommy was ready to talk about how sad it was that you were there and we were here, she reminded me how lucky we were to have all these memories.  Sometimes it's through the eyes of your four year old sister that Mommy learns to appreciate all that we have and all that we still are.  

So thankful for the gift you were, and continue to be, for our little family my sweet Kaden Layne.

Happy 7th Birthday baby girl...

 

Bedtime Stories and Footed Pajamas

As a first-time mom to you and like most first-time moms, Mommy fretted over every detail that revolved around you.  I'm pretty sure I drove your daddy crazy! :)

A hair-bow that matched every outfit, clothes packed in your closet for every size you would need - not just for the first six months, we were prepared for your first two years!  Ridiculous, Mommy knows!  Did I mention the wooden hangers?  Yep, Mommy was almost as excited about the super steal I got on matching wooden hangers from the GAP Outlet as I was on finding out you were a girl. Okay, that may be a bit of a stretch!

  Mommy searched high and low for the prettiest Easter dress I could find.  Of course, you had to have a matching bow.  Daddy thought your dress was pretty ridiculous.  We both had a good laugh when Daddy had to work around all those ruffles to change your diaper.  

Everything was always just right.  Mommy made sure of it all the time.  Anytime you stayed with your Donna Ma and Norm Pa overnight, Mommy made sure you had an outfit for every possibility.  Mommy never knew when something fun might be on the agenda.  And during your days with Daddy, Mommy and Daddy always made sure you had what you needed to be happy.  Mommy and Daddy packed toys and jumpers and all kinds of gadgets for you to be entertained at Daddy's office. Mommy wanted you to be happy during those long hours working with Daddy!

Like most first-time mommas, Mommy was always prepared with a plan and a routine, too.  Mommy read the books and googled the blogs.  Milk times, snack times, nap times, play times, meal times, bath times, bedtimes.  They were all planned out in advance.  That's what good mommas do, right?  Mommas have it all under control.  That's what Mommy thought.

On July 10, 2010, Mommy learned a lot about control.  Even when you do everything right, Mommy learned, we are not in control.  Mommy learned that no matter how hard you work to prepare and prevent, that no matter how much you love and trust, no matter how many times you check and try, some times things of this life are just not in our control.  They are not in anybody's control.  Mommy has learned we just have to trust in God.

Mommy has decided that's why you and God worked together to pick out Jack.  It's tough for Mommy to believe that Jack is already one.  Boy has he rocked our world over the year!  Everything Mommy and Daddy did with you and Layne as babies was thrown out the window when he came.  For the first three months, the crying seemed to never stop. Sleep and milk routines, yeah right!  Jack threw a wrench in every preconceived notion Mommy and Daddy had about parenting a newborn. When God gave us your little brother he knew exactly what he was doing!

Over the last year Mommy has learned to let go of so many things.  Mommy has learned to live in the moment and savor the quality time.  The idea that the perfect outfits for babies have to be coordinated, and the perfect way to raise them is with a master plan - Mommy has traded it in! Mommy's learned that trusting in God's plan is better than any plan I could ever master. Mommy's also learned that footed pajamas and quality time is way better than a perfectly clean house or meticulously organized diaper bag.  It's footed pajamas that have packed some of Mommy's favorite memories - of you, of your little sister Layne, and now of Jack.

Pink newborn footed pajamas are what you wore home from the hospital on Valentine's Day 2009.  We had to roll up your sleeves because they were so big.

Your first drive-in movie date with Mommy and Daddy.  You stayed cozy on that cool summer night watching the animated movie UP with your little friends Jacob and Lucas in the back of the car.

Playing toys with your cousin Cy.  Mommy only wishes you could have spent more time with him.  You were both so sweet to watch together. 

Visiting Santa for the first time.  You even wore your cousin Cy's footed pajamas.  A few years later your sister, Layne, would wear the same pair.  We saved these same footed pajamas for your baby brother Jack, but he turned out to be a wee bit too big to wear them at Christmastime!  We did have him wear them in October just for good times and to keep the tradition.  

Just being you!  You always looked so sweet and felt so good in Mommy's arms when you were wearing your precious footed pajamas.


So tonight, as I rocked Jack in the same glider I rocked you and your sis, and as I felt the weight of his warm little body packed snug against mine in his footed pajamas, we read the best little bedtime story and shared a tiny moment.These tiny moments with him remind me of those memories Mommy has of you.  Sometimes,  deep down, Mommy can still remember how warm it felt reading bedtime stories with you in your footed pajamas.Love you and miss you baby girl...

A Camera

Christmas 2009 ~ You were 10 months old. 

Mommy finally saw them.  The two of them were running down the long corridor.  Thank goodness they made it just in time.  A feeling of relief rushed over Mommy.  It was passed to Daddy, and quick hugs and a kiss were exchanged. Mommy was so glad to have it. Mommy never could have imagined how important that moment would be, how precious of a gift it would become.

That was the night Mommy went into labor with you.  Three weeks early, Mommy was only partially prepared.  Our bags were packed, and we had one of our own, but the difference this one would make would mean so much. 

A camera.  This camera was the real deal.  Aunt Keshia had a good one, much better than Mommy’s. It was like the professionals.  It was quick to shoot and easy to focus.  The quality of the images was what Mommy was most excited about.  Thank goodness your Aunt Keshia and Grandma Trish made it in time for us to have a good camera. 

As the doctor was performing Mommy’s c-section, Daddy was prepared to take pictures of your grand entry.  The camera dangled from Daddy’s neck.  Mommy could tell he was a little nervous.  I think the anesthesiologist could too.  That’s when she asked if we would like for her to snap a few pictures for us.  Daddy was quick to say yes.  Mommy was glad he would be able to watch you enter this world with his own eyes, instead of through the lens of a camera.

The camera clicked away.  The dark room with the large spot-light on the main attraction made for the perfect pictures.  Mommy and Daddy joked later on that we should have paid that sweet anesthesiologist photography fees.  That’s just how good the pictures turned out.  It certainly didn’t hurt that we had a good camera.

Those pictures we have are so precious to us.

Fast forward to last week.  On Friday, December 4^th your Aunt Keshia welcomed a baby boy, Felix, into this world.  This was the first baby she has had since Mommy became a mom.  As Mommy walked down the long corridor of the hospital with Grandma Trish by my side, Mommy thought back to the night you were born.  That image of Aunt Keshia and Grandma Trish rushing down the hall at the exact moment I was being whisked away to surgery was so vivid in my memory.  To think that a few seconds might have meant not capturing this moment, Mommy’s so glad they made it.

Mommy is so thankful for the sweet memories.  It’s these memories Mommy holds close.

Love you, miss you, and think of you often baby girl.

Meet your newest cousin, Felix.  Isn't he the cutest little thing? :)

The Five People

Many years before you were born Mommy read the book The Five People You Meet in Heaven.  The big lesson Mommy got from the book was, while you may not realize it at the time, people are placed in your life at certain times and for certain purposes.  It's not until you get to Heaven that you discover the true purpose.  Events that may have seemed insignificant at the time, can sometimes have big effects on us later on.  For someone who doesn't read books often (outside the realm of my second grade classroom :), this book was one Mommy couldn't put down.

August of 2003 is when Mommy and her started working together.  We were both graduate assistants in the College of Education at EKU.  We worked together everyday, just about.  Our favorite part of our day was eating lunch at Powell.  That's where we had some of our best conversations.  That's when we talked about things that really mattered.  That's where she shared about her mom.

Several years before we had met she had lost her mom to breast cancer.  It was easy to see how much she missed her mom and how not having her mom deeply impacted her ability to experience complete joy in life's biggest events - her wedding, graduation, first job- and the small things too. Watching and listening, she reminded me how precious and irreplaceable the mother-daughter relationship is.

She also talked about God.  She talked about her faith.  She talked about Heaven.  We prayed together and became very close friends. Three years later Mommy asked her to be a bridesmaid in Mommy and Daddy's wedding.

Fast forward...

July of 2009 is when Mommy first met her.  Mommy had started a new teaching position in kindergarten.  She was several years older and her children were older too. One a teenager, the other in middle school.  Mommy and her hit it off right away.

It happened just a week before school was to begin.  Her son and his close friend had been involved in an accident.  Her son turned out to be ok, but his best friend had passed away.  This tragic event devastated so many people, especially her son.

That year was tough for her. Many Thursdays we spent working late on the next week's plans.  During these late nights we would talk about things -our kids, our pasts, our families, the tragedy.  Mommy did a lot of talking (imagine that :) and even more listening. That year we got to know each other very well.  

We were both new to kindergarten so we worked closely together every day.  Our classrooms were even joined together, our desks just a few feet away.  She loved teaching and she loved having you visit our classrooms.  You had a way of livening up our days.

The next summer tragedy struck Mommy's life.  That's when you passed away.  The whole next year she did the listening and often lent Mommy a shoulder to cry on.  Her, along with Mommy's teaching assistant, provided the strength, encouragement, and laughter Mommy needed to get through the day to day.

As time moved forward, so did Mommy's teaching partner.  The next summer Mommy found herself working with a new partner.  Fresh from Fayette County and with several years of kindergarten teaching experience under her belt, Mommy was happy to be able to learn from someone new.  It was also exciting for Mommy since this new partner also had a baby about the same age as Layne.  Having this new friend with so much in common was just what Mommy needed.

Over the next two years Mommy and this new friend got to know one another really well.  Even Layne and her son had become good buddies too.  Dates to Chickfila turned into invites to birthday parties and after school playdates at the park. As time went on we became each other's rock when strength was what we needed.  She listened when Mommy wanted to talk about you, and I listened when she wanted to talk about things private to her.

Just when Mommy's life was beginning to look up, and as we were about to start exciting new jobs together at a brand new school, the most devastating news imaginable was given to her family.  Her husband, just 34, was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  Surgeries, chemo, tests, scans.  Grief, sadness, lost hope, overwhelming anxiety.  Over the past two years Mommy has walked alongside her.   To talk, to listen, to just be a friend who understands a little about grief.

Just a few weeks ago she was given the unbelievable news that her husband has

just three to six months to live.  Last weekend her husband was baptized.

As Mommy thinks about that book...Mommy thinks about people like Sarah and Debbie and Jessica. Mommy thinks about my life path and the paths of all those others who just so happened to collide with mine. Coincidence? I think not. God must have known how much we would need one another at different points.

And that's just three.  Mommy wonders about those I have yet to meet. Perhaps it will all make sense one day when we meet in Heaven.

Until then...love you, miss you, think of you every single day sweet Kaden Layne...

Empty Spot

Hi Sweet Girl...

It's hard to fathom another month has passed.  The days seem to go by in a blink of an eye.  Jack is crawling and in to everything these days, and Layne can't seem to find a moment to play without him trying to grab everything in sight.  While it frustrates her to no end, Mommy and Daddy are secretly enjoying their little squabbles.  We've waited so long to finally get to experience the joys and trials siblings bring to a family.

One thing your sister, Layne, really enjoys to do with Jack is swing.  She loves to swing him in the little red baby swing we have hanging out back.

Mommy thinks back to when we first got that little baby swing back when you were so small.  Inspired by Papaw's swing in our big favorite tree, Mommy picked this one up at a yard sale when you were about six months old. Daddy hung it under the deck right by the steps.  It was a perfect spot since the decking was so high.  As you grew older, you could swing so big.  Mommy remembers the certain creaky sound it made as it moved back and forth through the air.  Swinging made you so happy and your smile would be as big as your face! :)

Mommy remembers back to the day after you passed away. Coming home with Daddy to our quiet house on that July day, Mommy remembers going outside to the deck to have some time by myself. Sitting there in the quiet thinking of you, Mommy heard the light creaky sound of your empty swing beneath me being pushed around by the wind.  The thought of your swing was too much for Mommy to bear.  All Mommy could do is sob as I thought of how desolate life would be without you.

Just like a lot of your other things, Mommy and Daddy put your swing away.

The next summer, several months after your little sister was born, Daddy got out your old swing and added some fresh red paint and hung it beneath a new part of our deck.  We would swing Layne just like we did you.  And just like you, she would smile the biggest smile.

As time has passed your little sis has grown too heavy for your little swing.  Layne's legs stretch down to the bushes that line the patio beneath.  While your little swing is still the perfect size for Jack, Daddy knew it was time to build something new.

And build he did!  On top of the hill, behind your special garden, Daddy spent all week digging holes, measuring posts, mixing concrete, and ordering parts.  Daddy stayed up late measuring and putting together the hardware for the swings and trapeze.  He even woke up extra early on Friday to hang everything just right. On Friday afternoon, Daddy surprised Layne (and Jack, too) with their new swing!
















With the sweetest look of excitement, Layne ran across the yard, climbed into the center swing, and began to pump her legs back and forth as Daddy pushed.  Mommy put Jack in the baby swing next to her. It was in that moment that Layne, with pure elation in her voice, made her innocent observation.  "Daddy," she said. "There's a spot here for me, Jack, and Kaden!"

Mommy and Daddy just looked at one another and smiled a despondent smile.

We sure wish you were here, Sweet Girl, to take pleasure in that empty spot on the swing set.

You and Mommy

You and Daddy