The Club

Sweet Girl...

When Mommy was young I remember wanting to be a girl scout so bad.  I can recall the first time I learned about them.  It was a friend I met at my new school in fifth grade.  Mommy was trying to find my place in the new group of people. There was something about being part of a club that seemed so neat to me. At ten years-old, it was probably the cute uniform with all the patches that appealed so much to me.  Unfortunately joining the girl scouts didn't really fit into my family's schedule or budget. And Mommy was okay with that. :)

Later on, when I started high school, Mommy made it a point to be part of as many clubs as I could.  From Key Club to Beta Club, Mommy loved the chance to be part of a group.  I loved the way each club had its own focus and opportunities for service.  Most of them cost little to nothing to be part of and left Mommy's schedule over-the-top full.  Clubs were just Mommy's thing.

When Mommy went off to college the same was true.  Mommy joined a sorority and was part of the Panhellenic Council and Student Government.  It was through these groups that Mommy met some of my best friends.  The people I had the privilege of working with taught me so much about drive and determination.  They were often the models of service too.

Mommy loved the idea of being part of the club.

In July of 2010, Mommy found herself part of one club no mother, daughter, sister or friend ever wants to be a part of.

Club Grief.

In the days, weeks, and months after you passed, Mommy met and learned about so many other mothers who unexpectedly lost a child.  Several reached out to Mommy to share their story.  Many gave Mommy books or cards offering encouragement and support.  They became like mentors. Some Mommy met at your visitation.  Others were complete strangers.  Strangers or not, we shared one thing in common.

Being a part of this club helped Mommy know that the feelings I experienced were completely normal.  Someone understood the emptiness and the bizarre feelings that were often associated with everyday, simple routines and tasks.  Even my closest friends, whom I had known for years, couldn't understand the roller coaster of emotions grief brings like those who shared this common bond.

It's kind of ironic. This club Mommy was once thankful to have, is one Mommy has grown to despise and hate so very much in recent years.  Why, you might wonder? The club has grown larger in number.  From car wrecks to SIDS, miscarriages and random accidents, there have been too many.  Mommy's heart hurts so much for these mothers experiencing these fresh wounds.  Each time Mommy learns of another member, I can't help but feel the need to reach out.

And it's not just the mothers.  It's the friends whose husbands are battling cancer and whose lives have been flipped upside down.  It's the daughters who have lost their own mothers and are trying to navigate this life without the support and encouragement they so desperately need.  It's the family who's faced with divorce and having to find a new normal.  When Mommy looks around I see so many hurting, grieving people.

The Club. It's not always easy.  It's hard to find the right words when greeting the new members. There's no badge of honor worn on our lapels.  Instead, there is a heavy weight that rests upon our shoulders.  It's hard to get through the days and it's often difficult to think beyond the loss.  Members may not wear uniforms, but in our eyes you can see.

Grief is hard.  Mommy thinks about all those people experiencing it now.  Mommy's prayer is simple...

God, please bring peace and comfort to the broken hearted...

Love you and miss you sweet girl!

You at 6 Months

Jack at 7 Months

Once Upon a Dream

You at 5 months old. You're about Jack's age here.

Hi Baby Girl...

One of the things your little sister Layne loves to do more than anything is dance.  Each day she'll ask for Daddy or Mommy to put on music.  She'll waltz in the living room dressed in a princess costume wearing her ballet shoes.  If we are lucky we can sit back and watch.  But most of the time she insists one of us dance with her. 

  Layne dancing around the living room.

               

This summer has been especially rainy. In our house rainy days mean movie days!  Layne and Mommy love theses kinds of days.  We often veg out on the living room floor watching Disney classics.  We've probably watched Frozen a hundred times.  Even Jack has been known to pay attention a time or two as well.  Movie days are definitely lazy days for us.

Just a few weeks ago Mommy put on the movie Sleeping Beauty. Layne had seen it a few times before but this was one of the first times for Mommy. As we watched, Mommy really began to enjoy the pretty singing voice of Princess Aurora.  One of Mommy's favorite songs from the movie was Once Upon a Dream.  As the song began to play Layne stood with her arms stretched out toward me. "Let's dance, momma!"

How could I resist?  Holding Layne's hands, we did our own version of the waltz around the living room as we listened to the words...

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream

I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam

Yet I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem

But if I know you, I know what you'll do

You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream 

But if I know you, I know what you do

You love me at once 

The way you did once upon a dream 

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream

I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam 

And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem

But if I know you, I know what you'll do

You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

It's been a few weeks since Mommy and Layne first danced to this song.  Ever since, Mommy cannot seem to shake it from my memory.  I find myself singing it all the time.  Each time I find myself thinking of you.  

You just a week before you passed away.

Yesterday marks five years since Mommy and Daddy last had you here with us. The first few days after you passed were filled with tremendous shock and sadness.  Soon after, Mommy remembers feeling so desperate to know what it felt like to be with you again.  Mommy's prayers became requests to God to let me see you again, at least in my dreams.  It was probably two or three weeks after your funeral when Mommy finally dreamed of you.  

Mommy remembers being on a beach, kind of like the one we last vacationed at in the Outer Banks.  Mommy remembers seeing you and me running toward one another and then hugging the biggest hug.  It was a lot like the scenes from one of those sappy love movies.  It was strange because I was able to watch both of us, as if I was a bystander.  Mommy wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean.  It didn't matter. It felts so good to dream about you and me together.  Even though it didn't last long, it was just enough to leave mommy feeling a little more full.  Mommy has only dreamt of you one other time since then. 

When I hear that song I often think of how Mommy once knew you oh so well.  I often think about how our short time together, with the memories and emotions that linked us together as Mommy and Daughter, feels so much like a dream.  Sometimes I think about what it will be like to see you in heaven one day.  In my mind, Mommy plays this song and imagines you and me dancing and hugging and holding hands. Mommy misses that so much.

Because I knew you, I walked with you once upon a dream...

Love you and miss you always my sweet Kaden Layne. 

These are our last pictures you and Mommy had taken together.  We were at Uncle Mike and Aunt Linda's July Fourth cookout.  

Our Hat

The last family vacation we shared with you was spent with our friends in the Outer Banks.  Mommy remembers how fun you were as a big girl.  You were almost 16 months when we went. You were old enough to walk and dance and play in the sand.  But you were also still small enough to carry on Mommy's hip and you still loved riding in your stroller.  Mommy and Daddy knew this would be the best vacation yet!

It was the middle of our week in OBX.  It was a shopping day.  The mommies and their little ones spent the afternoon walking through the quaint shops and boutiques.  Mommy remembers you riding in your pink umbrella stroller.  You loved the entertainment you got from your big kid friend, Skylar, and your friends Elly Kate and Jacob. They kept you smiling as we went in and out of the different shops.

One of the last shops we went into was a sweet little corner boutique.  It had a nice wrap around porch with clothing racks and baskets of pretties.  Inside were sweetly decorated rooms with every kind of goodie that a girl could imagine. Purses, scarves, jewelry, charms, candles, hats, trinkets.  If you can imagine it and it is pretty, it was there.  

Aunt Mary and Mommy picked out some things to try on. Mommy remembers you and me and Aunt Mary and Elly Kate crowding into the oversized dressing room.  As Mommy and Aunt Mary tried on our dresses, you and Elly Kate toddled and crawled around in front of the mirror smiling and laughing together. It was so much fun being with you girls this day.

On our way to checkout Mommy and Aunt Mary came upon a rack of oversized hats.  We took turns trying on different ones as we talked about how perfect they would be for the beach.  The brims were bigger than any we had seen before.  That's what made these hats a must-have. We knew they would be great for blocking our babies from the sun as we carried you on our hips. Aunt Mary picked out one with yellow around the edges and Mommy liked the black and white one.  

We were right!  Our big brimmed hats were exactly what we needed for the beach and even more perfect for carrying our sweet girls on our hips.  We wore them constantly the rest of the trip.


It was a month after our vacation when we lost you.  Mommy never wore that hat again.  The shadow it made was far too big for just one person. Wearing it only felt right with a baby on my hip.

Mommy held on to that hat for a few years thinking one day it might feel right to wear it again.  It sat on the top shelf of Mommy's closet and collected dust.  When Layne became the size you were, the thought of wearing the hat we once shared still didn't feel right.  Mommy knew by the time I felt ready to wear it again Layne would probably be too big to benefit from its shadow.  A couple years ago it was tossed into the yard sale pile.  It sold for $5.

Today, for the first time in awhile, Mommy thought of our hat.  Mommy and Layne took your baby brother Jack to the pool.  As I dangled my feet in the water and watched Layne swim with her friends, I found myself trying to block Jack's tender skin from the sun.  No matter which way I faced some part of him was always exposed.  Today I needed our hat.

In that moment I thought of you my sweet Kaden Layne.  I remembered our trip and smiled.  I thought of our friends and our fun we shared. I thought about how nice it would be for Jack to share the same shadow you once shared with Mommy.  I even thought of how all of us could have probably fit perfectly beneath that big brim. Today I missed our hat.

So much has changed since you've been gone.  The way Mommy thinks of you comes from the smallest of things sometimes.  It is a song or a picture. It's a book or the blue of someone's eyes. And sometimes it's a hat that once made a shadow big enough for us to share.  After all these years these are the things that make me smile and remember you.

Love you, miss you, and think of you often my sweet girl...

A Perfect Little Print

Hi Sweet Girl...

Yesterday was Mother's Day and like every day, I thought of you my sweet girl.

Time is speeding along so quickly these days.  Jack is getting so big.  Most recently, I love the feeling of his smooth, chubby little fingers wrapped around mine.  Holding his hands reminds me of holding yours.  Mommy missed these kinds of things so much when you first passed away.

Envious was the way Mommy felt of mothers with little ones on their hips.  I would watch their young hands tug and pat on their mothers and wish it could have been you tugging and patting on me. Watching little girls hold their mother's hands as they crossed the parking lots - it was almost impossible for Mommy to see.  Mommy wished so much to feel your  little warm hand in mine just one more time.

It was a week or so before you passed.  Mommy and you must have been playing on Mommy's dresser.  I imagine Mommy had you seated in front of the mirror, holding you under your chubby little arms so you wouldn't slip and fall. I can't be sure, but I can guess we were probably playing a silly game or singing one of our goofy songs.  Somehow, in the midst of our fun, the clearest little handprint was left behind on the mirror that hung above. A perfect little print.

That little print became a precious piece of you, especially after you passed. Mommy was quick to place a sticky note beside it.  Kaden's handprint it read.  Please do not clean.  In the early days Mommy looked for it often.  It was easy to see in the mirror.  As time has passed, small flakes of dust have gathered around it and has made it much harder to see. The dust is a reminder of how much time has passed and how long it has truly been since our time together.  Still, Mommy looks for your little print. I don't think I will ever have the courage to let that little piece of you go.

To some it may look like a dirty, smudged mirror.  But to Mommy, it holds a precious memory of our time together.  My how I miss those little hands...

Love you my sweet Kaden Layne...

Mommy loves this picture of you.  You found so much joy in swinging. I love how it shows your sweet hands.

This is another favorite of Mommy's.  I think you look a lot like Jack in this one. 

 Mommy and you had so much fun together in Nashville.  I loved holding your hand as we walked the streets.

Mommy misses seeing you hold your daddy's hands.  

 Before, Mommy would click right passed this picture of you and me.  But now, Mommy sees something special in the way we are holding hands so tightly.  Mommy misses that so much!

Unmanicured

When you passed away one of the most difficult things Mommy and Daddy had to do was pick out a spot for you at the cemetery.  It was a difficult decision.  Should we have you here in Georgetown where Mommy and Daddy are, or find you a place in Louisville where Mommy and Daddy grew up and most of our family still lives?  In the end, we decided we wanted you close.  Georgetown Cemetery it was.

Mommy remembers the day we walked through Babyland to pick your spot.  Mommy saw row after row of tiny headstones.  Most had remnants of overgrown greenery, unkept flowers, and faded bows.  Small baby dolls and toy cars lined some of the headstones.  Others had beautiful fresh flowers.   Never before had I known that cemeteries have a special place for babies.  Many of the babies in the Georgetown Cemetery were just days old when they passed.  Some were over a year.  A few were as old as you, but not many. Mommy can remember thinking about all those mothers and their brokenness.    

That day Mommy and Daddy agreed on a space right in front of a holly tree.  It could be seen from the road and had plenty of space around it for flowers.  It seemed like the perfect spot...if there could be a perfect spot.

A few days before your funeral, Mommy remembers thinking about all those babies from Babyland.  Mommy imagined all those babies in heaven.  Mommy thought of you being there all by yourself. No mommy, no daddy, and none of your friends. For some strange reason Mommy hoped you would have someone to play with when you were there.  Mommy imagined Jesus greeting you with a hug and a smile but then becoming busy with all those others he would be welcoming to his kingdom.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Tied with pink ribbon to the stems of daisies, this was the verse that Mommy and Daddy's friends and family included.  At the conclusion of your funeral, the children of our family and friends stepped away from your spot to place pink daisies on the markers of all the babies in Babyland. It didn't take long for them to run out.  Mommy and Daddy returned the next day with more daisies to finish the job.

With this small gesture, Mommy's hope was that somehow you might make friends with all those sweet babies that had passed before you.

It wasn't long before the funeral flowers that had been left at your spot began to wilt.  Soon after, Mommy and Daddy placed a statue of an angel in the place where your marker would one day be.  Daddy came to your spot every single morning to tend to the grass and have quiet time with you.  He planted pink flowers and Mommy made you pink bows.  On Sundays Mommy and Daddy would get fresh donuts and milk and come sit with you under the holly tree. With all the attention, your spot had grown to have the most beautiful pink blooms and green grass. When the seasons changed, so did the theme of your flowers and ribbons.  Your spot was always well manicured. Mommy and Daddy made a promise to ourselves that your spot would always look nice so that you would always feel loved.

Layne at Kaden's Spot ~ Spring 2013

As the days turned to months and months turned to years, things changed.

It's been almost five years now since we picked that spot for you.  And with each passing year Mommy and Daddy feel less tied to it.  We used to think that was where you were, and that was where we needed to be, too.  With the passing time, we have come to see that the spot we once sat at each day and week on end is just that, a spot.  We know you are with us, even if we are not there. We carry you with us everyday.

Usually when people visit your spot now, they see a small headstone with remnants of overgrown greenery, unkept flowers, and a faded bow.  To them, it might seem sad. Unmanicured.  For Mommy and Daddy, it's a sign of healing.

Just as it did back then, Mommy's heart goes out to all the mothers who have their babies' names engraved on markers in Babyland.

Love you, miss you, and think of you always my sweet Kaden Layne.

Looking Back...

Hi Sweet Girl!

It seems like just yesterday I was writing to you on your birthday.  It's crazy how time goes by so quickly.  Life is staying busy these days.

Tonight Mommy spent some time looking back at some of your videos.  I haven't really done this too much since you have been gone but I'm finding it more enjoyable to remember the times we shared with you.  Tonight Mommy looked back at the clips from your earliest times.  Mommy watched clip after clip of your first weeks.   It's incredible to see how much your brother looks like you.  Even your little noises are similar. I wonder how much you will favor one another as he grows bigger?  Mommy will really enjoy watching him grow up.

Jack is nine weeks old.  Tomorrow he will be ten.  As I look back to the videos of you when you were this age I can't help but notice how Mommy and Daddy hung on every little sound and movement you made.  Whether you were cooing, trying to roll, or even fussing, Mommy and Daddy thought that everything you did was a big deal.  You can hear in our voices how proud we were of everything you did.  You were our very first, and boy did we enjoy everything about you!

We love you and miss you sweet girl...

 First Easter ~ 2009

                                                                                                          March ~2010

 Second Easter ~ 2010

Here are a few videos of you that made Mommy smile tonight. :)

http://youtu.be/wRhWvmq0yQg

http://youtu.be/LGKiF7XQe7A

http://youtu.be/mByrrbHlhbo

A Heart That's Whole

My dear Kaden Layne...

Today is your birthday.  You would have been six.  Six. For some reason Mommy can hardly imagine what you would have been like as six year old.  Six just seems too far past the memories Mommy has of you as a sixteen month old.

Today, just like every year on your birthday, Mommy watched the video Daddy made of your last times with us.  Just like every year Mommy smiles remembering those happy times with you.  Mommy's smile fades to tears when I think of how much Mommy and Daddy loved you so much then.  The tears come when I think of how full our lives had once been.

It was Valentine's Day when Mommy and Daddy first took you home. Six years ago Mommy and Daddy's hearts were filled with the best kind of love. No Valentine was ever sweeter.  It was this time when Mommy's love for Daddy grew to a whole new level.  Mommy loved watching him love you in ways only a daddy can.  Mommy's heart was full, and I can imagine Daddy's was too.

When you passed away Mommy and Daddy felt lost.  We had so much love to give and you were no longer here to share it with.  In time, Mommy and Daddy reverted back to the days before you.  That was the only thing we knew to do. Our lives became consumed with one another once again but in a totally different way.   It seemed like Mommy and Daddy often took turns.  When Mommy was feeling down, Daddy was my rock.  When Daddy was having a difficult day, Mommy was there to understand.  Luckily Mommy and Daddy's days didn't overlap very often.  In many ways, this time of incredible sadness brought Mommy and Daddy closer together.  We had only each other to fully understand the depth of our grief and sorrow.

 Mommy &Daddy in the winter of 2010

Fast forward nearly a year. God blessed Mommy and Daddy with another chance.  Having your baby sister Layne gave us the chance to love like before. And love did we ever! Our hearts grew more whole with each passing day.

With just enough features to resemble you and a name perfect for the rainbow baby she had become for our family, Layne was the best gift God could have given us at the time.  Mommy and Daddy were so grateful.  We were beginning to feel like life could be good.  We were beginning to love again.  It was two weeks after she was born that we found out she was broken much like Mommy and Daddy.

It was a well-visit.  Dr. Knight, our pediatrician, listened with his stethoscope over and over.  He could hear it.  Mommy could tell he wasn't thrilled to share the news of what he heard.  After all, he knew all that Mommy and Daddy had been through with losing you unexpectedly. He knew how excited we were about having this new baby.  It wasn't what we expected to hear.  But as matter-a-fact as a doctor can be he told us.

Worry and concern consumed us.  Mommy and Daddy were given instructions on what to do next.  Tests were run and appointments were made with doctors from UK Children's Hospital.  All Mommy and Daddy could think was How could this be happening to us...to our baby girl...after all we have been through? To us, this was nearly more than we could handle.

Ventricular Septal Defect was the diagnosis.  A hole in the heart.


Mommy thought it was pretty ironic. In some way Mommy thought this hole was God's way of recognizing that even Layne was broken hearted.  To Mommy it represented the love she might have experienced had you been here.  That hole, as small as it may have been in her tiny baby heart, represented the lost opportunities to make memories with a big sister.

Mommy and Daddy decided from the start it was important not to worry our families and friends.  We knew it might be difficult for everyone to treat Layne as a regular baby anyway given the circumstances. We agreed to keep all of this to ourselves...until now.

The prognosis was promising.  The doctors said we would first monitor it. Their hope was that with time it would close on its own.   If necessary, surgery could fix it.  Luckily after six months of ultrasounds, X-rays, and appointments with a pediatric cardiologist, the hole in Layne's heart closed on its own. Thankfully, time was all it took.

Mommy thinks back to all of this now as your baby brother turns six weeks old tomorrow.  If you are wondering, sweet girl, his heart is perfect.  :) As Valentine's Day approaches and Mommy thinks back to the gift God gave us on this day six years ago and the many blessings that have come in the time since, I can truly say my heart is near full again.  But for you, my sweet Kaden Layne, there will always be a little space left open for you.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl...



P.S.  Mommy found these videos of you as a newborn...Love you sweet girl!

http://youtu.be/GSUjjzAjr_E

http://youtu.be/T0HklpxxSbQ

Overflow

Sweet Kaden Layne,

Big things have happened since Mommy last wrote to you.  Our family grew a little bigger, and the joy we feel each day has multiplied by a hundred at least. On January 1st your baby brother, Jack, made his entrance into this world.  He was welcomed with the special kind of love a big sister feels.  This is the kind of love Mommy and Daddy have always wondered about.  

When Layne was first born Mommy and Daddy were so grateful to hold new life in our arms.  After losing so much when you passed away, having Layne was the best gift.  Having her helped us enjoy reminiscing about your first days.  We loved comparing Layne's newborn features to the ones we could remember and see in pictures.  We loved finding similarities between the two of you.  Knowing that part of you might be seen in Layne's smile or her eyes or even the roundness of her nose made her arrival doubly sweet.  When she was born we made a promise to her. Never would we expect her to fill the shoes that you left behind.  Never would we expect her to be you.  We promised to love her unconditionally and let her become the person God intended her to be.

Layne has certainly grown into a bright and cheerful little girl.  And, of course, we always wonder what you would be like if you were here as a five-year-old.  But the one thing Mommy and Daddy have felt like we have missed out on the most is getting to see what you would have been like as a big sister to her.  How would you have wanted to teach her all that you know?  Would you have sung songs and enjoyed music and shows with her the way we imagined you would?  How would having you here to be a big sister to Layne have filled our days with even more joy than we could imagine?  All these things we still wonder.

Wonder, we probably will still do.  But now that Layne is a big sister, we can at least get a glimpse of what it might have been like to have you here.  Layne's smile and excitement when she sees her baby brother after a busy day at school brings so much joy to Mommy.  Her eagerness to help change diapers, hold her baby brother, and sing songs when he is upset is beyond sweet.   Mommy enjoys watching Layne love baby Jack authentically.

When Jack was born Mommy felt differently than when you or Layne came into this world.  Maybe it is because Mommy had some practice with both you and Layne.  Maybe it is because Mommy's heart was near full going in to deliver baby Jack.  Maybe it's because Mommy can see a little of you in this new baby.  Your hair, your round little nose, your eyes.  It's a good kind of different.  

Several times since Jack was born Mommy's heart has overflowed with love and pure joy.  If you had asked Mommy a few years ago if I thought this was possible, Mommy would have said, "No way!". I always thought that without you here with us Mommy's heart would always be a little empty.  Sure, there are moments when Mommy still wonders how much more joy we would feel if we had three instead of two.  There are even times when I feel so sad that I didn't get to know what kind of little girl you would be.   But it's things like watching Daddy smile at Jack the way he smiled at you that brings Mommy joy again.  It's looking at pictures of Mommy and Daddy and seeing the kind of happiness in our eyes that's been missing for some time.  It's watching Layne look at Jack and say, "Awww...he's so cute!" in her little 3 year-old voice.  It's knowing, in some way, you are part of all this, too, as Layne and Jack's big sister in heaven.

We love you and miss you sweet girl!

Layne & baby brother Jack. 

 Kaden Layne - 2009

 Jack Dean - 2015

Layne McNeil - 2011

Heavenly Peace

Sleep in heavenly peace...

That was the part of the song at church a few weeks ago that had Mommy's mind thinking and my emotions turned up to high gear.

The song came back around to the beginning again.

Silent night...
Holy night...
All is calm...
All is bright...

I had heard it a thousand times before during church service, on the radio, so many places. For some reason during this moment in church all I could think about was you.  This song is about this joyous day when this most precious baby was born. This song is about Jesus. This song that reminds us of the good news somehow reminded me of that most awful night in Mommy and Daddy's lives.   How the words in this song were so far from true for us on the night you left us.  The night you went to be with Jesus in heaven.

As the song played on a memory from that sad night flashed in my mind. Standing right there in the middle of church I could almost hear myself, all that time ago, crying the saddest cry all over again. I remembered it was not at all a silent night for any of us. In this moment on the outside, Mommy did everything to hold it together.

Instantly empty. Lost. I  remembered feeling so many different things on this night. As I stood beside Daddy at church, moving my lips ever so slightly to the words of this song I could remember the confusion and disbelief that came with the heartbreaking news. Mommy remembers thinking only of all that was lost.

Nothing felt calm.  Nothing felt bright for a very long, long time.

With perfect harmony and the purest sound, the worship team sang the next words.

Sleep in heavenly peace...

These words took on a completely different meaning to Mommy in this moment.  Sure, Mommy knows these words are really all about the baby Jesus.  But in this moment, these words were about you.  This phrase warmed Mommy's soul.  This phrase reminded Mommy of where you are and who you are with.

This Christmas season Mommy thinks of you.  As always I wonder what kind of joy we would be experiencing having you here with us instead of there.  But finally, after all this time, Mommy sees the precious gift we have in you being there with Jesus. Mommy sees how heaven is so much more real to us because you are there. For that, I feel such a blessing.

At night Mommy sleeps peacefully.  It's because I know fully that heaven is where you rest my sweet girl.

Loving and missing you always in the silence and stillness of this late night my sweet Kaden Layne...

The Ladybug

A few weeks ago Mommy and Daddy enjoyed a day with Layne at Keeneland in Lexington.  It had been a few years since we had last taken Layne to see the horses race.  What started out as a chilly October morning quickly turned to a beautiful and warm fall afternoon.  It was a perfect way to spend a Saturday as a family.

Between the races Mommy and Daddy took turns with Layne playing in the grassy area.  As usual, Layne was quick to make friends with two other kids who were also playing in the grassy area behind the stands.  Pretending to be sleeping giants on the stone wall, Layne and her new friends played for over an hour together.  But soon it was time for her friends to go.

As Layne joined the grown-ups at the little table on the backside of the race track it was easy to tell that she was disappointed her friends had to go.  It wasn't long before she found another friend.  A ladybug.  This little ladybug had been crawling along the short wall that sat behind our table. For a while Layne watched the ladybug move along the wall.  Soon she scooped it up and began to talk to it like it was her baby. Quickly, Layne had made it her new friend and pet.

She continued to carry it and talk to it and care for it like it was her little baby.  Mommy even found a little box from my purse for Layne to use for the ladybug's house.  Layne was so proud of her ladybug and took very special care of her.  Anyone who stopped by to talk was introduced to her ladybug and was given the chance to carry her.

It wasn't long before Layne realized her ladybug was asleep.  No longer moving, just laying still.  Layne continued to brag on her ladybug and shared her with anyone who would listen.  Always quick to mention that her ladybug was sleeping, Layne spoke proudly about her special pet.  When it was time to go Layne insisted on carrying her ladybug in her special box.

That night when Layne was going to bed she asked if her ladybug could sleep with her.  Mommy told her it might be  better for her ladybug to sleep in the special box on her dresser for the night  She would be able to see her ladybug again in the morning.  That was a good enough plan for Layne. It was easy to see that Layne loved her ladybug.

That night Mommy and Layne said our prayers like usual. All was well in Layne's little world.

The next morning when Layne woke up the first thing she spoke about was her ladybug.  Mommy could hear her in the monitor talking about seeing Ladybug.  Mommy heard Layne pop open the box where Ladybug had been sleeping. What Mommy heard next broke my heart.

"Oh Ladybug..." Layne cried.

The sound of Layne's little feet running on the hard wood floor to Mommy's room made it clear that everything in Layne's world wasn't ok.  With her arm stretched out and the little box in her hand Layne's tears said it all.  Ladybug had passed away.

Mommy held Layne as she cried in my arms.  This cry was so different than the ones Mommy had heard before.  This one was the cry of a broken heart.  As Mommy held her close and tried to soothe her the best way I knew how, Mommy, too, began to tear up.  Mommy's heart hurt because Layne's little heart hurt.

As Mommy held Layne in my arms that morning Mommy couldn't help but to think of you - my own little ladybug.  Just like Layne doted over her little ladybug, Mommy did the same with you.  I was always so proud to share you with others and talked about you every second I could get.  Mommy's heart was so full when you were here and life was so perfect.  When you passed away part of Mommy's heart was taken with you.  Seeing Layne experience her own kind of grief reminded me of just how broken Mommy was those first days, weeks, and months after you passed away.

As time has passed Mommy is able to think more about the good memories we were able to have with you and less about the sad times.    I can see this happening for Layne and the memory of her ladybug, too.  It's sad to see her experience grief, even in this small way, but I am glad she is able to find the joy in the short time she shared with her little friend.

Loving you, missing you, and thinking of you always my sweet little ladybug.

 Kaden Layne's first birthday party - February 2010.

Your first birthday party had a ladybug theme.  It fit you so well. :0)

Magic Umbrella

When your cousins, Bailey and Tatum, were about Layne's age I remember watching them at Papaw's house running down the driveway with pure delight.  It was the adult-sized umbrellas they carried that made this moment so fun for them.  This was at least ten years ago and way before Mommy could fully appreciate how magical this little moment was for them. 




How coincidental is it that last Christmas when Layne sat on Santa's knee the only thing she asked for was an umbrella.  Sure enough, Santa brought her a Doc McStuffins kid-sized umbrella.  After her birthday last May she now has two.  Perfect for when friends come over.  Mommy loves the fascination young kiddos have with umbrellas.




A few months ago Layne became obsessed with umbrellas even more. It was after her Bobby (your Donna Ma) took her to see Mary Poppins at the play house in Louisville.  The minute she got home she asked Mommy for her umbrella.  She insisted that I use her other one to play along as Mary Poppins.  She continues even today singing Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious as loud as she can as she prances around the house holding her umbrella in hand.




It was about three weeks ago when Layne said the most thoughtful thing of all out of the blue to Daddy while driving in the car from school.  "I wish I had a magic umbrella like Mary Poppins." she said. 




"You do?" Daddy responded.




"Yeah, I would fly up to heaven so I could play with Kaden."




Mommy's not exactly sure of what Daddy's response was like, but I can imagine it included a big sigh and the thought I wish I had a magic umbrella too.


Since that day Layne has told countless people of her wish for a magic umbrella.  Her innocent and simple way of looking at life is just precious to Mommy.  Sometimes it helps to ease the hurt of losing you when I see her thinking so much of you and heaven.  Occasionally I can even see it all as a gift. 




This request of Layne's to have a magical umbrella has open the door to many deep conversations about life and loss.  Well, as deep of a conversation as a three-year old can really handle.  Mommy appreciates the opportunity these conversations have given her to share with Layne about the many other people we could visit if we had a magic umbrella that could take us to heaven.




After her request to see you, there was her request to visit Sammy - our cat who passed away last fall after getting hit by a car.  Layne talks about him all the time.




Mommy told Layne about Grandma Wanda, Grandma Trish's Mommy, whose pretty pink vase sits in her room and whose bell Mommy rings everyday at school.




Mommy told Layne about Bobby Jack, Mommy's young cousin, who passed away when he was just six and how neat it would be to see what he would have been like all these years later. 




Mommy told Layne about Grandpa Goose, Papaw's Daddy, who loved cars and boats and time together on the lake.  Mommy wonders what kind of fun you are having up there with Bobby Jack and Grandpa to play with.




Mommy told Layne about Bobby's Daddy, Poppy Art, who is Daddy's grandpa and someone Mommy never got to meet.  Mommy sure hopes you have met him by now and wonders how much he is like your Daddy.




As tough as it is sometimes to saying things in just the right way so that Layne can understand, Mommy sees these talks as gifts.  Mommy loves these opportunities to share with Layne how important family is to us.  I love the way she enjoys hearing stories about the people in her family she never met.  Most of all, I love having an open and ongoing conversation about you and heaven.




Love you, miss you, and thank you for all the gifts your little life gives to all of us.

A Brand New Experience

My Sweet Baby Girl,






Life seems to be passing by so quickly these days.  I cannot believe it has already been another month.  Mommy's belly is getting bigger and bigger with each passing day.  Anticipation and pure joy has filled Mommy's heart once again.  It reminds me so much of what it was like when I was expecting you.





While time seemed to pass a little slower in those days, I can still remember being so excited about getting to do all the things mommies-to-be get to do.  From browsing online for nursery ideas to shopping for new clothes for Mommy's ever growing belly, it was all fun to Mommy.  Mommy remembers being one of those people other pregnant mommies disliked because I LOVED every minute of being pregnant with you!

The day Mommy and Daddy found out you were a girl was one of my favorites!  Daddy had always said he wanted a little girl. On Daddy's side there were no little girls just yet, so having you as the first girl would make you even more special to the family.  Mommy and Daddy smiled from ear to ear after hearing the news. 

Wow how Mommy's pregnancy this time is so
much like mine with you! 

Mommy thinks back to this point in my pregnancy with Layne.  My how things were so different.  Mommy recalls the day we had our ultrasound with Layne.  What would have been an exciting time for most Mommies and Daddies was filled with a roller coaster of emotions. 

Being that it was just a few months since you had passed away, Mommy wanted so bad to be expecting a girl.  Mommy missed you so badly and wanted so much for a piece of you to be part of this new little soul growing inside my belly.  Mommy was nervous, sad, happy, mad, glad.  You name it, Mommy felt all of it. Unlike my time with you, Mommy was sick with anxiety waiting to hear what the gender of this new baby would be.  When the ultrasound revealed she was a girl, Mommy felt a huge sigh of relief. While having a baby girl would never replace you, Mommy worried so much about the grief I would feel if I never got the chance to love on a little girl again.

Thankfully Mommy's prayers were answered when we heard she was a girl.

This go around things were completely different than with Layne.  When we went in for our ultrasound Mommy truly was indifferent to the idea of having a boy or a girl.  Mommy knew it would be special to have a little boy for Daddy.  Mommy also knew that having a little girl would be pretty sweet, too.  Having a girl would mean Layne would have a sister here to play with and Mommy would get a glimpse into what it might have been like had you been here with us.

For months Layne only spoke of girls. When asked, she would always say that Mommy's baby was going to be a girl.  It was sweet, but at times it also broke my heart.  For Layne's sake, Mommy started to hope our new baby would be a girl. For Daddy's sake, though, Mommy also hoped it would be a boy.

A boy it was! Daddy's prediction was right!  Mommy went from feeling pure joy for Daddy to grief for Layne.  Poor Layne.  She would never have the chance to play with and grow up with a sister.  Even though Mommy would assure her that she didn't need a sister because she already had one, it was difficult to hear her say things like "But I want one here with me". Mommy would feel anxiety for a different reason now.  What if Layne was disappointed?

Disappointment...no way!  Layne was elated to learn our new baby is going to be a boy.  It's sweet to hear her speak of him and correct herself when she accidentally calls the baby a her. 

Thinking back through it all, Mommy decided that God knew exactly what he was doing when he blessed us with this baby boy growing inside my belly.  Mommy thinks God wants this experience for us to be a new and an unexpected one.  One that will make us feel nothing but joy.  Not wondering what it would have been like...just enjoying what we are soon to be.

While Mommy misses you like crazy and still wonders how our family would be if you were still here, Mommy trusts that God's plan serves a purpose bigger than anything I can understand.

Love you...miss you...remember you always...

 

The Big Day

Hi Sweet Girl...

Today was a big day for Mommy.  It was a big day for Layne, too.  Today was her first day of preschool.  How significant it was that it just so happened to be your day, too. 

Last week was a week Mommy had been worrying over off and on for the past four years. How would Mommy feel?  How would I get past this event?  Would it be harder than I anticipated or would I be surprised?  Would Mommy just stay so busy so as not to even think about it?  For years I wondered how it would feel. 

Last week your friends started kindergarten.  And last week, believe it or not and to Mommy's surprise, I was ok.  On that day a dear, sweet friend and mom of a former student from when Mommy taught kindergarten left a gorgeous bouquet of my favorite flowers on my desk. Along with a bag full of my favorites, a card was sent to brighten my day. This sweet soul anticipated that this day might be one that Mommy might need some extra TLC. My heart was warmed in such a big way.

Mommy has come to accept that there will be a lot of things along the way that I will just have to wait a little longer to experience.  Whether Mommy has to wait until the day I see you again in heaven or wait until Layne is the age to experience what you didn't get to, Mommy is content.

Today was a good day.  Mommy feels blessed to have had the experience of watching Layne go to school for the first time. Mommy has waited a long time for that kind of experience.  And oh my, how I loved and cherished every part of it.

Love you and miss you my sweet girl..

 

Making Room

My Dear Kaden Layne…

Yesterday marked four years since you were last here with us.  In many ways it feels like forever ago, but sometimes it still feels like yesterday.

This week has been an emotional one for us.  It has come time for Layne to move to a big girl bed.  With the help of Aunt Heather, Mommy was able to find a vintage twin bed for Layne's room.  Daddy worked to paint it and make it extra sturdy.  Mommy and Daddy set it up for her this week.  It looks so pretty between the two windows in the room that was once yours.  For the first time in over five years we no longer have a baby bed.

What started out as your room became Layne's so early.  Nothing ever really changed in your room when Layne was born.  There was no need.  It had taken Mommy months to pick out the perfect fabrics, paints, and furniture when I was expecting you. Daddy and Norm Pa had worked so hard to make the polka dots on your walls.  Your Donna Ma made all the pretty bedding and window treatments look so nice.  It was so right the way it was.  Still so new, so pretty, so you.    Mommy felt like keeping it the same meant keeping part of you here with us a little longer.

 Daddy putting together your bed January 2009.

You loved your Big Bear so much! 

 Your Grandma Judy got you your personalized rocking chair on your first Christmas.  

We still keep it in your room.  

As time has gone on Mommy sees that your room is now hers.  The pillows on the bench that stores all your precious things are beginning to look worn and flat.  The pink fabric on the glider Mommy and Daddy rocked the both of you in has begun to sag.   Even Big Bear seems to need fluffing a little more often. These are all indicators that this room, your room, has been well-loved and well-used.  

Mommy thinks now might be the best time to make a room just for Layne. In the next few weeks Mommy hopes to muster the courage to let go of the pink and green walls and polka dots for something new and different just for her.  Mommy knows Layne is completely indifferent to the idea of a new room, but sometimes I feel like I missed out on the chance to put together a room special for her.   I enjoyed it so much when I was expecting you and I  know I would enjoy doing that for her as well.  Mommy's fear is that whatever I come up with, it will never be as beautiful as it once was.

There is another reason why now may be the best time for a change.  Early January 2015 Mommy and Daddy will be making room for a new baby.  After two years of unanswered prayers, Mommy is finally expecting again.    Mommy had almost given up on the idea of having another baby.  I had come to terms with the idea of having just one child here and you there.  Mommy and Daddy even donated most of our baby things to charity the month before we learned our prayers had been answered.  Mommy knows God's plan is not always ours.  Over the last four years I have learned to trust that it works for a purpose greater than I understand.

Layne already pats Mommy's belly and already says the baby is a girl.  She wants to name her Kate.  

Mommy knows you will be a good big sister for this baby, just as you have been for Layne.  Thank you for being the little angel in heaven who watches over us and connects us to Jesus in a real and personal way.

Love and miss you sweet girl...