When Mommy was five months pregnant with you I bought you a book from the school book fair. The title was Someday. I loved the illustration on the cover - a mother holding a little baby up in the air. The first page is what sold me on it. "One day I counted your fingers and kissed each one" it read. "Someday your eyes will be filled with a joy so deep that they shine."
Mommy loved this book with its simple words because it highlighted all the tender moments a mother would share with her daughter as she grows. At that time, Mommy could only imagine how wonderful life would be once you were born.
"Sometimes when you sleep, I watch you dream and I dream too" it says.
When you were about a week old I held you in my arms and read that book to you. It made Mommy so sad to think that one day you would grow up - that one day you would no longer be my little baby.
"Someday I will stand on this porch and watch your arms waving to me until I no longer see you."
As you grew into a toddler I felt more and more excited about the kind of little girl you were becoming. You were fun and funny. You were silly and sweet at all the right times. I would think about the future with so much hope. Daddy and I couldn't wait to build a lifetime of good memories with you.
Now that you are no longer here with us that book is even more difficult to read. Mommy is reminded of all the things we will no longer get to do in this life.
"Someday I will watch you brushing your child's hair."
Perhaps it is the end that makes me saddest of all.
"Someday," it reads, "A long time from now, your own hair will glow silver in the sun. And when that day comes, love, you will remember me."
I am reminded of how backwards all this is. I think about how unnatural it is for you to be gone before Mommy and Daddy.
It has been a year now. I look at your pictures. I look at your room. I look at the step by the sliding glass door and remember you. If I blur my eyes just right I can imagine you there sitting, as if that step was put there just for you.
Every day we miss you. Every day we think of you. Every day we smile remembering how you changed our lives and brought us unbelievable joy. Every day we find a way to rejoice in the fact we were blessed with you even if only for sixteen months. Every day we watch as your friends grow a little bigger without you. Every day we feel thankful that we will never have to worry about where you are or who you are with. Every day we wonder how your little sister would have loved playing with you and you with her.
Every day we have flashbacks of that terrible day and the days that followed. Every day we feel changed - broken, vulnerable, not normal. Every day the good and once vivid memories with you fade a little more. Every day the laughter, squeals and sound of your tiny voice become more difficult to hear. Every day we feel a little more separated from you. Every day it seems we have to let go of you a little more.
But someday we will be with you again.
Someday we will see your bright blue eyes again. Someday we will feel the warmth of your hugs again. Someday we will hear you say happy, happy, happy in that little girl voice. Someday we will see just how perfect a big sister you would have been. Someday we will no longer have to miss you. Someday we will be with you in Heaven.
Someday, a very long time from now, this life on earth will come to an end. And when that day comes, sweet baby girl, Mommy and Daddy will no longer have to remember you.