Sunday, August 11, 2013

New Beginnings

It's August again and Mommy is starting a new year back to school.  Mommy thinks back to what this time was like three years ago.  Much of it is a blur, but so many of the emotions are hard to forget.

Mommy remembers how deafening the silence in our home had become.  It was so hard to be at home for any given time.  A place that was once scattered with your sippy cups and toys had become silent and still.  Sometimes it was nice to have the silence so Mommy could sleep away the sadness.  Most of the time, though, it was just a reminder of what was no longer here.

Mommy remembers going back to her classroom nearly a week after you passed.  It gave me something to do.  It was something to distract and keep me busy.  Mommy remembers working day and night just like when I was a brand new teacher.  Mommy remembers how the kids that year filled my heart with so much of the love that had gone missing.  Mommy remembers hanging on to the memories of you visiting Mommy at school and playing with some of the toys and puppets.  Mommy remembers how the people I worked closest with and those who knew you best got Mommy through the hard times.  Sometimes it was a hug, but most of the time it was with a good memory or a laugh.

Three years later and Mommy still remembers.  Life is certainly different now.  Our house is again scattered with toys.  Cups and plates litter the counters from day to day.  Laundry has become Mommy's nemesis again.  Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I think back to how it felt when our life was flipped upside down.

A year from now, you would have been starting kindergarten.  Mommy has often wonder how difficult that would be.  Mommy has worry about how it would feel to have the kids that you once played with in class making friends, learning to read, and enjoying school without you here.  Mommy has wonder if it would be something to get use to or something that would be a reminder that you are no longer here.  Mommy often wonders about a lot of things like that.

This month Mommy moved to a new school.  Mommy even moved to a new grade.  New teachers, new kids, even a new building. Mommy looks at this as a new beginning.  Not to forget about you or the precious people that  became Mommy's rock.  Instead, to make new memories, experience new joys, and find new hope.  Mommy believes this is God's plan for protecting me from all those worries and wonders.

Mommy will always wonder what life would have been like if you were here.

We love you and miss you the same...