Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Week We Never Had...

It's the 11th again and just like everyday I think of you.  I think of the conversations we might have if you were here.  I think of the little things we would do.  I think of the memories I would have expected to make with you this fall.  You would have been over 3 and a half years old.

I remember when you passed away people would ask how old you were.  I would always say you were one day shy of 17 months. To me it was a big deal that you were almost 17 months. 

I always made the 11th of each month a big deal so that you would know how special you are to us.  That's why I write to you still. On your last day, your Donna Ma and I made plans to have lunch after church the next day to celebrate your 17 month birthday.  Your Donna Ma had your outfit all ready for you to wear the next day.  We never, in a million years, imagined that we would never get that day.

Ever since you passed, I decided that it was in God's plan for Mommy and Daddy not to be with you that night. We knew and still know that if anyone loved you and cared for you as we did it was your Donna Ma. Mommy believes that having her love on you and take care of you when you weren't feeling well was part of God's plan, too. She did all the things we would have done and then some. 

When Mommy heard the news about you through Daddy's phone conversation that night, I was hysterical. Mommy hates that your Donna Ma and Papa had to endure the pain of being there when you passed. Mommy, even to this day, cannot fathom how traumatic that must have been for them. Mommy believes that was God's way of protecting Mommy and Daddy from the most traumatic memories.  As hard of a time it has been for your Donna Ma and Papa to heal from the memories of that night, Mommy is forever grateful that they were able to protect us from it.  God knew that Mommy and Daddy couldn't bare that kind of pain.

On Monday Layne turned 17  months old.  Sunday night, as I laid her down for bed, I gave her an extra big hug.  It was difficult not to think about what it would have been like to have laid you down for the last time. That night Mommy cried thinking about the events of your last night.

For weeks I had anticipated this time. As strangers would ask Layne's age I would think of you as I would respond "She'll be 17 months of the 8th".  It felt like I was asked a hundred times.  Every single time I thought of you and imagined for a moment what I would have done had I known that we wouldn't see 17 months with you. 

This is the week we never had with you.  Everyday from here on out with Layne will be a completely new experience for Mommy and Daddy.  In some way that makes Mommy sad.  It reminds me that our time with you has run out.  In a another way it makes me happy. Perhaps Mommy will have a glimpse into what life would have been like with you.

Until we see you again in heaven, we love you sweet Kaden Layne...
Kaden in May 2010. She would have worn this outfit on her 17 month birthday.

Layne at 16 months.