Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A Choice

Hi Sweet Baby Girl,

Mommy finds it funny to call you a baby girl sometimes. As Layne grows day by day, I can only imagine how much of a big girl you would have been by now.  We smile thinking about how much Layne would have loved to have you.  We sure miss you.

This weekend Mommy, Daddy, and Layne spent some time in Louisville.  We visited with Papaw, Missy, and Aunt Keshia.  Watching Layne play in the same backyard you once played as a 16 month old brought back many sweet memories of your last visit.  From behind, you would never know Layne wasn't you.  Her hair bounces off her tiny shoulders just like yours once did.  Her smile gets as big as ever when she's at the peek of her ride on Papaw's big swing. 

You and Mommy made lots of memories together at Papaws that last time we were there.  We sat together under Mommy's favorite tree and shared ice cream from the Dairy Delight up the street.  Those were extra sweet times. Mommy remembers doing those same things when she was a little girl living there.

This time when we visited we happened to visit the sweet neighbors next door - Wilma and Horace.  Every year Mommy visits them at least once just to say hi.  They were special to Mommy as a little girl.  Mommy used to play at their house when their grandsons were in for a visit.  You even got to meet them once.  I'm glad.

This time when we visited Wilma she shared that a dear friend of hers had lost her granddaughter just a week ago.  She happened to be there and Mommy was able to meet her and the Mommy of that sweet little girl.  Perhpas you have met her by now.  I sure hope so.

As Mommy talked with the mother of that little girl, my heart ached for her.  In our few exchanges of words, I could feel her sadness and fresh grief. The same emotions that Mommy has spent two years tucking away felt fresh again just for a moment.   Mommy said a prayer for that little girl's mother.

At the end of my brief conversation with that little girl's mother, I remember saying "You can find joy again someday."

Losing you has certainly been the most profound and devistating event Mommy and Daddy hope to ever experience.   Those minutes and hours and days after you passed away were the most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking days of Mommy and Daddy's lives. 

At your funeral Mommy remembers asking the mother of another child who had passed unexpectedly if I would ever feel normal again.  In the most gentle way possible she replied "You'll always feel like something is missing." 

That mother was right.  Any mother who has expereinced the loss of her child no matter what way, always wonders.  Just like Mommy, there is all those times you wonder what it would have been like and how life would have been changed if there wasn't a piece missing. 

Mommy has learned that everything in this life was not intended by God to be perfect at all times. No matter how much Mommy tries to control all the aspects of life, I know it's really God who can see the full picture.    Life happens and lots of us expereince circumstances that aren't what we would have chosen if we were the writer's of our book of life. Mommy has learned that it's moments in life, both good and bad, that help to mold us into the people we were intended to be. 

Mommy has made a choice to accept, to grow, to learn, to love, to embrace, and to find joy in what we have now. 

We still miss you the same.