Thursday, September 11, 2014

A Brand New Experience

My Sweet Baby Girl,

Life seems to be passing by so quickly these days.  I cannot believe it has already been another month.  Mommy's belly is getting bigger and bigger with each passing day.  Anticipation and pure joy has filled Mommy's heart once again.  It reminds me so much of what it was like when I was expecting you.

While time seemed to pass a little slower in those days, I can still remember being so excited about getting to do all the things mommies-to-be get to do.  From browsing online for nursery ideas to shopping for new clothes for Mommy's ever growing belly, it was all fun to Mommy.  Mommy remembers being one of those people other pregnant mommies disliked because I LOVED every minute of being pregnant with you!

The day Mommy and Daddy found out you were a girl was one of my favorites!  Daddy had always said he wanted a little girl. On Daddy's side there were no little girls just yet, so having you as the first girl would make you even more special to the family.  Mommy and Daddy smiled from ear to ear after hearing the news. 

Wow how Mommy's pregnancy this time is so
much like mine with you! 

Mommy thinks back to this point in my pregnancy with Layne.  My how things were so different.  Mommy recalls the day we had our ultrasound with Layne.  What would have been an exciting time for most Mommies and Daddies was filled with a roller coaster of emotions. 

Being that it was just a few months since you had passed away, Mommy wanted so bad to be expecting a girl.  Mommy missed you so badly and wanted so much for a piece of you to be part of this new little soul growing inside my belly.  Mommy was nervous, sad, happy, mad, glad.  You name it, Mommy felt all of it. Unlike my time with you, Mommy was sick with anxiety waiting to hear what the gender of this new baby would be.  When the ultrasound revealed she was a girl, Mommy felt a huge sigh of relief. While having a baby girl would never replace you, Mommy worried so much about the grief I would feel if I never got the chance to love on a little girl again.

Thankfully Mommy's prayers were answered when we heard she was a girl.

This go around things were completely different than with Layne.  When we went in for our ultrasound Mommy truly was indifferent to the idea of having a boy or a girl.  Mommy knew it would be special to have a little boy for Daddy.  Mommy also knew that having a little girl would be pretty sweet, too.  Having a girl would mean Layne would have a sister here to play with and Mommy would get a glimpse into what it might have been like had you been here with us.

For months Layne only spoke of girls. When asked, she would always say that Mommy's baby was going to be a girl.  It was sweet, but at times it also broke my heart.  For Layne's sake, Mommy started to hope our new baby would be a girl. For Daddy's sake, though, Mommy also hoped it would be a boy.

A boy it was! Daddy's prediction was right!  Mommy went from feeling pure joy for Daddy to grief for Layne.  Poor Layne.  She would never have the chance to play with and grow up with a sister.  Even though Mommy would assure her that she didn't need a sister because she already had one, it was difficult to hear her say things like "But I want one here with me". Mommy would feel anxiety for a different reason now.  What if Layne was disappointed? way!  Layne was elated to learn our new baby is going to be a boy.  It's sweet to hear her speak of him and correct herself when she accidentally calls the baby a her. 

Thinking back through it all, Mommy decided that God knew exactly what he was doing when he blessed us with this baby boy growing inside my belly.  Mommy thinks God wants this experience for us to be a new and an unexpected one.  One that will make us feel nothing but joy.  Not wondering what it would have been like...just enjoying what we are soon to be.

While Mommy misses you like crazy and still wonders how our family would be if you were still here, Mommy trusts that God's plan serves a purpose bigger than anything I can understand.

Love you...miss you...remember you always...