Scraps of Time

The first page of your scrapbook features a picture we used on your birth announcement.  

"Mommy, can I make a scrapbook?" Layne looked up at me with the most hopeful expression in her eyes.

Mommy's first thought went to all the supplies that were collecting dust in the basement.  Drawers of stickers and tubs of every colored paper imaginable have been stored in our unfinished basement for years.  On birthdays or the occasional holiday Mommy would rummage through the mess to find a certain color paper or stickers to add to the decorations. It had been so long since Mommy had all that stuff out.

When you were here it was much different.  Mommy had joined a scrapbook club.  Once a month we would meet o put together a special page.  Of course, you were my topic.  Before you, though, it was other things like Mommy & Daddy's wedding. Before that, it was Mommy & Daddy's time dating. When Mommy first started teaching and before life revolved around a family of my own, I kept a scrapbook of my kids from my classes.  Even before scrapbooking was a thing, Mommy created memory books of pictures.  College life and my time in the sorority were some of my firsts. For Mommy, treasure was found in the scraps of paper and the memory captured in a photo.

Mommy has always said that if our house ever caught on fire the first thing I'd grab, besides your brother and sister of course, is those scrapbooks.  To say they are irreplaceable would be an understatement!

After you passed away, for some reason, Mommy lost her passion for scrapbooking.  Mommy tried to start one when Layne was born, but only got through the first 6 months. Poor Jack doesn't even have one at all.  Just like your Aunt Keshia and all Mommy's friends have said, things change so much when you add more babies to the mix.  But Mommy doesn't think it's just that.  It's something else.

This is one quote Mommy found on a piece of velum from all the
scrapbooking supplies I had when you were here.

So when Layne asked me about scrapbooking, my ears perked up!  After Jack went to bed, Mommy and Layne tiptoed downstairs in our pajamas to see what we could find.  After a few minutes, we came back up with a whole drawer full of fancy stickers and delicate add-ons. Foam pieces were about all Mommy could find to make a book, but Layne didn't seem to mind.  She was just excited to see all the options there were!

We sat in front of the dining room windows under the big light.  We flipped through package after package of unopened stickers.  We found cut-outs of letters and booklets of velum.  The theme was all the same.  Many of the colors were too.  Layne picked out a few things she wanted to use and began to work.  That's when Mommy became completely engrossed.

Looking back at some of these quotes now Mommy
knows more deeply how true they each are. 

It was the book of velum overlays that really got to Mommy.  About a half inch think, it had just a few sheets missing.  A few pages had just one or two pieces cut out.  So much was still there. 

Mommy spent some time reading some of the quotes that were printed on each piece.  Just like the stickers and the cut-out letters, the color scheme and theme was the same.  Pink with lots of pastels and all about baby girls. Looking at these reminded Mommy of all the scraps of time we missed out on with you.  There was still so much we should have gotten to do with you before it was all over. So many moments we should have had with you. In Mommy's book, we were far from the end. 

It's completely random times like these, Baby Girl, that Mommy is reminded of all we missed out on when we lost you.  It's the little times like these when things as simple as velum and pink baby bottle stickers take Mommy back to what it was like to have you, what it felt like to lose you, and what it feels like to live on without you.   

Like many other times, Mommy wonders how this little moment of scrapbooking with Layne might have been different if she had her big sister there.  How would this moment between a mommy and her daughter have been different if you were right there with us too?

Love you, miss you, and still think of you every day my sweet Kaden Layne.

Here are a few pictures of some of the pages from your scrapbook. 

 

This is the last page in your book.  These pictures were taken in April, 2010.
You passed away June, 2010.

Don't Worry Be Happy

Jack Dean Harris - 21 Months
Sitting on the bench at Grandpa Goose's spot in
Mount Washington, KY.

Hi Sweet Baby Girl,

When Mommy was a little girl some of my favorite memories were spending time with my grandma and grandpa at the lake.  Grandpa Goose was what we all called him. Just like your Papaw loved you, Grandpa Goose loved all of his grand-babies.  When we were little, Grandma Judy and Grandpa Goose would take your Aunt Keshia and me camping. Mommy remembers catching frogs and lizards and seeing Native American "artifacts" on some of our trips.  One trip even inspired Mommy to work on a special talent - touching my tongue to my nose.  Grandpa Goose said that if I could master the art, he would get me a pet lizard.  Mommy worked from Summer to Christmas and sure enough, grandpa was true to his word.  Even though it was just plastic, Mommy loved that lizard.




As we grew older, summer weekends were spent playing on Lake Cumberland. Grandma and Grandpa had a houseboat that was big enough for all of us.  Mommy remembers Grandma Judy making her beef stew with biscuits and us kids spending our time running up and down the steps from the upper deck to the lower chasing one another.  Mommy can still picture Grandpa Goose standing behind the giant wheel of the boat with his arm resting on the frame of the open side door so he could catch the breeze. Playing over the loud speaker, Mommy can still hear it Don't worry, be happy now....

Grandpa Goose ~ Harold Tatum Sr. & Bobby Jack. As a
kid I used to always think Grandpa looked so much like
Santa with his white beard and his round
belly. 

It was on that beloved houseboat where so many memories were made.  It was also the place we lost our Grandpa Goose to a heart attack.  Overworked from carrying large gas cans of fuel for the Seadoos all of us were to ride that Memorial Day weekend.  Mommy remembers hearing the phone ring that night we got the sad news.




Grandpa Goose was the second person Mommy can remember losing when I was a kid.  Just a few years before him was Bobby Jack.

Mommy's Cousin Bobby Jack Harris
We have a small charm of this picture
we hang next to yours on our Christmas
tree each year.

Bobby Jack was Mommy's cousin.  He was the only grandson at the time and Grandpa sure loved him.  Sadly, he was born with a serious heart defect.    In his short six years on earth, he went through numerous surgeries to repair the wall to separate the chambers of his heart.  In June of 1989, Bobby Jack passed away.





Grandpa Goose loved Bobby Jack so much that when he passed, he was buried right across from Bobby Jack.  His marker is even shaped like a bench so that there would be a spot for loved ones and friends to spend time with them.  A few weeks ago Mommy got the opportunity to share their spots with your little sister and baby brother.  Mommy loved sharing some of these memories with them.





Because of your life and our loss, Mommy has a deeper appreciation of family and loved ones. Because of Grandpa Goose, Mommy often reminds myself Don't worry, be happy.  And because of our faith in Christ, we hope to see all of you again in Heaven one day.




Love you, miss you, think of you and all the others we have lost too soon my sweet Kaden Layne.

In every life we have some trouble

But when you worry, you make it double

Don't worry, be happy

Don't worry, be happy now

Jack Dean named in part after Mommy's
cousin Bobby Jack

The Keeping Quilt

A few weeks ago Mommy had the chance to do something pretty special.  Mommy got the chance to meet children's book author Patricia Polacco.  Mommy has read many of her well-known stories to the children in my classes over the years.  One of my favorites has always been Thunder Cake.  One book that is another favorite for me and many others is called The Keeping Quilt.  

The story illustrates how a little girl's grandmother worked to keep the memories of family close by cutting pieces of fabric from the clothing of relatives left behind in Russia.  The quilt, with it's bright colors, was passed along from mother to daughter for almost a century.  It was used as a tablecloth for family meals, a wedding canopy, and a blanket for new babies.  

During her visit Mommy was able to listen to her tell stories.  I heard her tell the stories of her life as a child and of how that special quilt was used in her family.   She told the best stories.  Ones like your Poppy and Grandma Judy.  Listening to her made me think of you and your special quilt. 

Scraps of cotton from summer dresses and colorful bibs, pieces of soft minky fabric from the scraps of snuggly blankets your Donna Ma made.  Your Aunt Alex took these and created for Mommy and Daddy a keeping quilt of our own.  It turned out beautiful and it is easy to see it was made with a great deal of love. It was less than a year after you passed away.  

Just like in the book The Keeping Quilt, each piece tells a little story, in each piece there is a memory. We have used your quilt as a picnic blanket, a play mat, and a decoration in your sister's room.  Mommy has to be honest, I've been a little protective of it over the years.  Mommy wants it to last a really long time.  One day, when Jack and Layne are old enough to have babies of their own, Mommy hopes to pass it on as a way of keeping you close to them.

We will make a quilt to help us always remember home,” Anna’s mother said. “It will be like having the family in backhome Russia dance around us at night.”  

~From Patricia Polacco's The Keeping Quilt

Love you, miss you, and think of you always Baby Girl.

P.S. Jack & Layne are both asleep right now...tomorrow Mommy will try to snap a picture of them with your keeping quilt.  xoxo

Never Grow Up

One of Mommy's favorite spots in our whole house is this little wall inside Mommy and Daddy's closet.  What's on it may not seem like much to many.  It's a bit messy, a little inconsistent, and looks to most like scribble scrabble.  But what's on that wall is super precious to me.  It shows a little of Jack and a lot of Layne.  Over time it's become Mommy's favorite.

Jack has grown about four inches
in the last six months!

On that wall are the markings of Layne and Jack.  It shows how much they have grown over the last few months and, for Layne, years. It's Mommy's favorite spot because it's a concrete example of how much they have each grown.  Its pencil markings are reminders of how blessed Mommy is to watch them grow up.   I love seeing their little lines move up and up.

On that wall there's one thing missing.  You.

This time of year Mommy often hears people say they wish time could slow down, that their kids are growing too fast.  While Mommy has those moments too, more often than not, Mommy finds herself excited to see how your little brother and sister are growing up. With each milestone, Mommy sees a little of what it might have been like with you.

Layne has begun to write her
own name next to her
 marks on the wall.

In the weeks after you passed away Mommy filled much of the empty time seeking information.  At first it was answers related to what could have caused you to be taken from us so suddenly and without a cause. As time went on, deep curiosity filled Mommy's mind.  What was it like for you in Heaven?  Would anyone there know your bedtime routine or your tickle spots?  Would anyone be there to make you feel special or would you just be lost in the crowd?  And what Mommy wondered most of all, would you grow up  or stay little?

Everything Mommy learned about Heaven shared how the body is made whole again.  That everything broken would be fixed.  That disease and disability would be gone.  The old would become young again and the pain and suffering felt on earth would forever go away.  But what about the youngest? What about babies?  Would they grow up or would they stay little? Vague and unsure were the answers of most of the authors.

Here you are dancing with your cousin Cy.
Cy's in third grade this year.

This week Mommy started another school year. Mommy can already tell I have a super sweet group of twenty-six seven and eight year olds. They are bright. They are kind. They are fun to watch.  They would have been your classmates, your friends.  As the year begins, it's hard not to wonder which ones of the kids in Mommy's class might have been your good friends. It's hard to watch them play together outside and not wonder where you might have fit in. In some ways, it's hard to even imagine you being that big.

Mommy sure misses this smile. 

Five and a half years.  It makes me sad to even think of all that Mommy may have missed out on.  If Mommy could have it my way I would ask, please baby girl, never grow up.  Stay little.

While the time Mommy had with you may have been short, the love that Mommy feels stretches far greater.

Love you, miss you, think of you always Sweet Baby Girl.

The Empty Chairs

My Dear Kaden Layne,

Mommy stood beside the other girls smiling as the picture was taken.  Each of us held up a small charm that we had pulled from the bridal shower cake.  With the ribbon tucked between our fingers, we each held up a different one.  The charm, a gift from the bride.

Mommy's was a tiny silver rocking chair.  The thought of a rocking chair reminded me of grandmas taking it easy on the covered porches of little old towns.  Secretly Mommy wished she had picked a different ribbon to pull.  What would I do with a rocking chair?  How did this little charm say anything about my life at the time?  After all, Mommy had just married Daddy a few years before and we were far from that phase of life.  The dainty charm was tucked safely in the back of my jewelry box.

Ashley & Mike's Wedding ~ June 2008

A few months later it was the big day for this special friend.  For Daddy and Mommy, this would become a pretty special time in our lives as well.  The morning after the bride and groom said their I Do's, Mommy found herself holding a test that said YES!

It had been months of wishing, hoping, dreaming.  Months of disappointment, worry, and even a little grief.  But that three letter word changed it all for Mommy and Daddy.  That was the day Mommy and Daddy will never forget.  That was the day we first learned we would have you!

Over the next few months Mommy and Daddy did the traditional things new expecting parents do. We read.  We planned.  We gloated. We worried. We dreamed of what our little family would be like. When you were born, Mommy and Daddy's hearts felt full.

You at 3 months sitting all by yourself
in Mommy's rocking chair.

That year Mommy got a rocking chair for my birthday and Mother's Day gift from your Donna Ma and Norm Pa. For your first Christmas, your Great Grandma Judy got you a rocking chair of your own.  Your name was embossed on its wood - a tradition started by your great grandma for each new grandbaby.

Your first Christmas at Great Grandma Judy's
with your new rocking chair. 

When you passed away about six months later it was so incredibly hard to see your empty little chair.  It was hard to see everything of yours really. There were so many empty chairs all around us - your high chair, your carseat, even the space in Mommy's grocery cart. Today, there are others -the empty chair at our small kitchen table at breakfast, the empty seat next to your little sister on the roller coaster ride at the kiddie fair, the chair in what might have been your second grade class at Mommy's school. There are empty chairs all around.


Mommy thinks back to all the pictures I have of you in your rocking chair and me in mine.  Those pictures and the tender memories they share are precious to me.  Mommy thinks back to the bittersweet feelings that came when your baby sister began to enjoy the things that were once yours, including those chairs.  I can think of a handful of pictures of her sitting by your window with a smile so big and I can still remember thinking of you.  And now, I can't help but laugh thinking about your adventurous eighteen month old little brother Jack climbing up, cautiously maneuvering to stand big and tall, raising his hands overhead, and squealing with delight! I'm so glad we have those little chairs. Yours still sits by your window in your room.

Your rocking chair still sits by your window in your bedroom.
Such sweet memories of you.

Mommy once heard a sermon from a well-known minister in Louisville.  If Mommy recalls correctly, the sermon was about who you would pick to have dinner with when you got to heaven.  To help illustrate the message the church had a dining room table set up on the stage with different chairs placed around.  One of them was a high chair.  Of course I thought of you. During the message there were references to the people in our families we may have lost over the years.  The overall message focused on the belief that as Christ followers we will see these loved ones again in heaven one day.

When Mommy thinks of that little silver charm I think of your rocking chair and of all the people in my life who have empty chairs too.  That little charm is also a reminder that there will be a day, probably a long time from now when Mommy is old and gray like those little old women on the covered porches.  And one day, there will once again be a rocking chair for you and me to share.

Until then my dear Kaden Layne, I carry you with me...

Worth a Thousand Words

Hi Sweet Girl,

It's June and with summer comes vacation time for us. It won't be long before we take your baby brother Jack to the beach for the first time. Tonight, I found myself revisiting some of our last memories made as a family on our vacation with friends to the Outer Banks in North Carolina.  As Mommy scrolled through the pictures of you and me and of you and daddy, the memories, warm feelings, and perfectly happy times came back like it was yesterday. 

In these pictures Mommy sees so much joy.  In our eyes there is no glimmer of sadness or hint of disappointment. In our smiles there are no signs of sorrow or burdens of grief peering through. Our hands hold your weight and our hearts hold the excitement of all that we have to look forward to in this life with you. In these images Mommy only sees complete and pure joy.  

That was six years ago. The pictures since then have been a smorgasbord of emotional and physical highs and lows.  After much needed time to heal and the blessings of your sister Layne and baby brother Jack, Mommy and Daddy are just now at a place where life is feeling a little more balanced again. Our joy is finally beginning to cancel out all the sadness and grief.  Our smiles in pictures these days are beginning to resemble those captured in our memories with you all that time ago. The pictures being painted are finally more like our reality again.

With the recent turn of the calendar, Jack turned 17 months old. So much of you is wrapped up in him.  From the squishy legs to the toothy grin, he's a boy version of you for sure.  Mommy sees so many of your sweet expressions in his precious face.  Even his jibber-jabber carries a similar tune. When Mommy looks at him, watches him, loves on him and plays with him, I find it incredibly difficult to believe this is where it all stopped with you. You were one day shy of 17 months when you unexpectedly passed away.  One day shy of another day with us.


Looking ahead to our vacation Mommy can't help but be excited for all the moments we will get to experience with Jack's first visit to the beach.  Mommy's thankful that through your life and through our loss, we have gained an incredible appreciation for the joy that comes with the simple things. 

If a picture like this is worth a thousand words, the emotion it stirs in this Mommy's heart is completely priceless.

Love you, miss you, and always carrying you memory with us Sweet Girl.

My favorite part of this picture is Daddy's smile.  He was always so happy to see you and play with you and would work so hard to get you to giggle and laugh.  He loved you so much and Mommy loved him even more because of it.

This is one of my very favorites from our vacation.  You were so exhausted from our day at the beach that you fell asleep the minute we loaded you in your car seat.  My favorite part of this picture is your sweet bottom lip all puffed out.  It reminds me how kissable you always were. 

Mommy always thought you looked so grown up in this picture. I love the way the sun highlights the rolls on your arms...one of Mommy's many favorite parts of you.   No other baby could compete with those "muscles".

Your smile in this picture is what I often think your smile might have been like today.  I love how your eyes are smiling back too!

Dedicated

This is you at 15 months.  It was a pretty
Sunday afternoon.  We had just attended Uncle
Jamie's church service in NKY. 

Hi Sweet Girl,

Today is your day and so much has happened over the past month.  So much of it has been good, so much has been a whirlwind.

Sunday was Mother's Day.  On Sunday we also celebrated your little sister's birthday.  FIVE!  Can't believe she is a whole hand now!  It seems like just yesterday she came. Your little sis was the rainbow after the storm for our family.  Over the past five years she has brought so much joy back to our lives.  Sometimes we like to think she gives us a glimpse of what you may have been like.  We treasure that so very much.

Sunday was also a special day for another reason.  Layne and Jack were dedicated at church.  Baby dedication has always been held on Mother's Day at our church.  Even when you were here with us, it was on Mother's Day.  For some reason, we never had you dedicated.  Mommy thinks it's probably because we were always out of town visiting Grandma Trish and your Donna Ma.  After you passed away, Mommy felt guilty for not every having you dedicated.  Over time, I've come to realize that you being in heaven is sort of like the opposite of dedication.  It's more like a graduation of some sort.

You see, when God blessed Daddy and Me with the news that we would have another baby just one month after you passed away after all those years it took for us to conceive you, I knew that your presence with God in heaven must have had something to do with that answered prayer.

Nine months later, as God listened to Mommy's fears of being a childless mom on Mother's Day, God and you worked together to devise a plan far better than Mommy's scheduled c-section.

This is your sis Layne and baby
brother Jack getting dedicated in
front of the congregation at our church.

After Mommy and Daddy spent all those months and years wishing and hoping and praying for another baby, just so we could see what it was like to have two babies to love and care for on this earth, you and God were working out the timeline to make sure your baby brother came at the perfect time, when Mommy and Daddy were emotionally and physically healed as much as we could possibly be from the grief and pain of losing you.  Mommy and Daddy thank God everyday for that perfect timing.

This is our campus pastor and good family
friend, Brad, sharing about our family.

So as Mommy thinks about Layne and Jack, and of you, Mommy knows deep down they've been dedicated far longer than three days that have passed.  From you, Mommy and Daddy learned the most difficult lessons of faith and trust, peace and hope.  We learned you were always a gift from God. Everyday single day we see Jack and Layne as the blessings they were intended to be.

Tell God we said "thanks" for entrusting us with his little children.  Whether it's 16 months, five years, or a lifetime, Mommy and Daddy are so very grateful for the time we are given.

Love you, miss you Baby Girl...

You are our angel in heaven, sweet Kaden Layne, and a
reminder of where our focus should be. 

Blessings Reminded

Hi Sweet Girl,

Another month has come and gone.  So much has happened in these last 30 days.  Jack began walking and started talking more and more. While we still can't make out most of what he is saying, we're still pretty sure he's got "nana" and "nigh, nigh" under his belt.  Since bananas are his most favorite of all (he can eat a whole one by himself) and snuggling with his soft blankie Grandma Trish gave him when he was first born right before bed, it's no wonder he knows those.  Mommy remembers a sweet baby that was just like him. ;)

This month has also been a reminder of another kind.  A reminder of a lesson Mommy and Daddy once learned a little over five years ago.

Each school night Mommy packs Layne's lunch and I'm reminded of how lucky I am to get to see your little sister learn and go to school with her friends.  Mommy remembers a time when just the thought of you not having the chance to grow and play like all your little friends would break my heart.  I would have given anything to see you grow up along with your little friends.

Each afternoon Mommy looks around at the chaos and clutter that fills our kitchen and floors and I take a deep breath and remind myself just how lucky I am to hear the pitter-patter of two sets of little feet chase each other down the hall.  Mommy remembers a time when our house seemed too quiet and way too clean, even for this OCD momma.  I remember a time when I would have given anything to have a reason to do something for you.

Every weekend it seems Mommy is stretching and twisting to help relax the muscles in my lower back - a little reminder of how lucky I am to get to hold your husky little sack-of-potatoes of a little brother.  Mommy remembers a time when just seeing another mother hold her baby would make me so sad that I couldn't hold mine.  I would have given anything to feel the weight of your warm little body resting on mine.

This month has been a hard one.  Not nearly as much for Mommy as it has been on a dear friend.  Let's just say that Mommy and Daddy and lots of other mommies and daddies are reminded to appreciate the simple times we have with each other every day.  These blessings that each day holds, even the small ones that don't get noticed as such, are more near and dear than we can imagine, especially when we no longer have them to share.

Sweet Girl...say hello to my friend Mr. Buttercup. Let him know there are a lot of people down here who miss him so, so much already.

Love you, miss you, and think of you always.

Mommy

February 28th

February 28th is a date that Mommy will never forget.  It was the day you were set to be due.  I remember when Dr. Youkilis first mentioned this date.  I recall thinking how nice it would be to have you a few weeks past Valentine's Day.  Mommy didn't want you to ever have to share your special day with a holiday. I was always thinking toward the future.

When you were born seventeen days early, Mommy and Daddy were both so surprised.  To be quite honest, Mommy was a little disappointed.  Not because I didn't want to see your sweet face, it was more so because your birthday would be just a few days before Valentine's Day.  The moment I saw you all that went out the window. It was love at first sight seeing your tiny little features.  Mommy no longer cared when you were born.  I was just so happy to hold a healthy and perfect baby girl.

Fast forward to your first birthday. Mommy found out real quickly that February 11th was the best birthday.  Your day sat perfectly between Christmas and Daddy's birthday. It gave Mommy just enough time to recover from the rush of the holidays.  It gave me the right amount of time to make your birthday party super special.  Mommy would have never imagined this would be the only chance I would get to plan a special day for you.

November 2010.  It had been almost five months since you passed away.  Life was completely different than the year before.  It was just Mommy and Daddy.  And that was really hard.

That November, Mommy and Daddy saw that a new Disney movie had just come out.  Mommy, being the kid at heart, loved Disney movies, so Daddy took me to see it.  

As Mommy and Daddy sat together watching the movie,we were surprised to see how similar this story was to ours.  In the beginning, the mother and father were overjoyed by the birth of their first born, a daughter.  Soon after being born, a terrible old woman kidnapped their baby, leaving them heartbroken and sad.  As the movie progressed, we learned that the woman would raise their baby as her own, just to use the special power she possessed in her magic hair.  We watched as the years went by and her parents continued to mourn over her, their lost child. It was like looking into our future.

Luckily the whole movie wasn't all gloom and doom. There were many funny parts, and one thing was special.  Each year on their daughter's birthday they would release a lantern into the sky.  The entire kingdom would join with them and release hundreds more lanterns.  And each year, the kidnapped young girl would watch and wonder.  She would see these beautiful lights in the sky and have no idea that these lights were being lit for her.  In the end, she would eventually be drawn to these lanterns and learn they were for her.  Her parents would be reunited with her after many, many years apart. Like all Disney movies, all would live happily ever after.

As Mommy and Daddy sat in the movie theater, surrounded by many moms and dads with their kids, we were taken aback by all the similarities. Mommy even got teary-eyed in a few parts.  So much of this story reminded Mommy of you. At the end, Mommy left feeling quite disappointed that our story wouldn't end like theirs. In spite of that, Mommy loved this movie so very much.

Fast forward to February 28th, just a few weeks ago.  It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  One of the first nice days in weeks, Mommy, Daddy, Layne, and Jack decided to make the most of the beautiful day by grilling and sitting out on the deck.  While we were out there, Layne, completely on her own, decided she wanted to celebrate you.  She told Mommy she wanted to have a birthday celebration for you.  One idea after another spouted out of her mouth.  She was motivated.  She was excited.  She was on a little mission. She brought Barbies and toys, made decorations, and drew pictures.  She walked around the deck picking up all the solar power lanterns by their handles.  She placed them strategically on top of the posts and railings so they faced directly up toward the sky. After that, she "lit" them as she began to sing Happy Birthday to you in her four year-old voice.

Your little sis, Layne, playing on the back deck. 

Watching her reminded me of that movie.  Seeing how she loves you in such a pure and simple way was the best reminder that you're never lost.  You're sweet spirit lives with us.  We know right where you are, and one day we will experience the happily-ever-after we once thought we'd never have.

Love and miss you sweet girl...

You and Daddy, March 2010.

All That We Have

Celebrating you on your first birthday in 2010.

Seven.  Mommy can't even imagine what you would be like at seven.  Seven years old is just too far from 16 months. When Mommy thinks of you, you're still the toddling little straight-haired girl you were all those years ago.  Squeaky shoes and bitty bows, it's hard to imagine anything other than what Mommy knows.  

Mommy made these special decorations for your party.
Now these little ladybug letters are in your scrapbook.

Tonight Layne and I watched your video.  We were in the parking lot of the gas station - the same one we once took you to.  We were passing time as we were waiting on your Donna Ma to pick up your little sis, Layne, and baby bro, Jack, for an overnight visit.   Seated close together in the front, Mommy was in the driver's seat and Layne was in the passenger's.  Like at a movie theater, we were seated super close together.  With the darkness of the night, the auxiliary cord plugged in, and the volume turned up, it looked and sounded like the best little movie theater.   Even though the screen was tiny and our heads were practically touching, it didn't matter.  Like a new release, neither of us could take our eyes off of you. 

The video was your birthday video.  It's the one Daddy made that first year we had to celebrate your birthday without you.   The echo of your little voice traveling through the car speakers was so clear.  It almost sounded like we were all there with you, or you with us.  Even Jack, seated in his carseat in the back, reacted like it was all real.  He responded to the pretty music and the sounds of familiar voices with sweet babbles and coos of his own.  This is the video, the one we share each year on your birthday with all of our friends online, that Mommy loves most because Daddy filled it with our favorite clips with you.

This is a picture Mommy hadn't come across before.
Mommy misses those squishy legs and your baby fine hair.

It was halfway through when Mommy first took my eyes away from the screen.  Mommy felt a smile draw up and a warm feeling started to grow inside Mommy's heart. I think it was in her eyes.  Layne's attention was completely glued to your every move. A slight squint in the corners of her eyes showed she enjoyed this part of the video even more.  It was of you and Daddy doing what she loves best -dancing.  As your whispy hair flowed behind every move Daddy lead you through, your little sis would smile an even more precious smile.  Between that and her ridiculously expressive eyebrows, I couldn't stop watching your little sister watching you.  That sweet little smile stayed plastered on her face until the very end.  

Tonight, when I was ready to cry, she continued to smile.  When Mommy was ready to talk about how sad it was that you were there and we were here, she reminded me how lucky we were to have all these memories.  Sometimes it's through the eyes of your four year old sister that Mommy learns to appreciate all that we have and all that we still are.  

So thankful for the gift you were, and continue to be, for our little family my sweet Kaden Layne.

Happy 7th Birthday baby girl...