Eleven Months

Hi Sweet Girl,

Mommy and Daddy just got home from visiting your spot at the cemetery. Daddy has made it so pretty this spring. About a month ago he planted a whole bunch of pink and white flowers all around your stone. They have grown so bright and full. He goes there almost everyday to water them. I wish you could see how pretty they look. Mommy thinks it's Daddy's way of still being able to take care of you.

A few weeks ago Mommy and Daddy went to the dance recital. Last year you wore your navy dress and together we played in the hallways and outside on the little preschool playground between numbers. You really liked seeing the "big kids" on stage and even danced between the seats during some of the songs. What good memories.

This year's recital was special in a very different way. Just before intermission, a group of very talented girls performed a lyrical dance to the Christian song "Homesick". Not only is that one of Mommy's favorite Christian songs, it also describes with just the right words how Mommy and Daddy feel about not having you here with us.

Just as the dance number began two groups of little girls began blowing bubbles on both sides of the stage. Throughout the dance you could see the heart felt expressions on the girls' faces. Some were tearful, others were solemn. At the end, the dancers raised a stitched quilt with large letters that read "We Dance for Kaden". Each girl had written a special message and signed their name on the individual squares.

The dance was a beautiful representation of love and loss. Who could have thought a dance could bring such a rush of emotions to Mommy - sadness for not having you with us - love for the girls who worked so hard to make it special - happiness that your memory could be shared and not forgotten. I wish I could describe to you how special it was.

Something else that was really special this past month was our Memorial Day gathering. Last year at Memorial Day Mommy loved watching you smile as you rode down the big hill in your red wagon with Daddy. Mommy laughs when I look at the pictures of you in your "too small outfit". We all treasure the picture of you and your buddies sitting on the steps. What a fun day it was.

This year on Memorial Day we invited just about every person in our family and most of our closest friends to share your special garden and celebrate your sister's arrival. Nearly 65 people came to be part of the day. Daddy told everyone the story about how your pond came to be and Uncle Jamie said a nice prayer that helped remind us that where you are is where we all want to be one day. It turned out to be a pretty special day.

It's been eleven months. Each month we miss you the same. Each month we dig deeper to hold on to you and the memories we have. Most times we laugh and smile as we share and remember. It seems like every good conversation and memory is followed with a sigh of sadness. I guess it's because we still cannot understand how you could really be gone.

Having Layne here has helped Mommy and Daddy smile more. I think it's because we get to tell her all about her big sister. When I give Layne a bath I tell her how you loved bubbles and even say the same silly things. All the songs I used to sing to you I now sing to Layne. In the very beginning Mommy felt sad about that. At first Mommy and Daddy both felt bad for enjoying Layne so much. Daddy described it best when he said he felt like he was cheating on you. We decided that when we love on Layne we are also loving on you in one of the only ways we can. We hope you feel it.

We love you baby girl and always will.

Big Sister!

Dear Kaden,

Today is a special day in more than one way...not only is it your day, but today we brought home your newborn sister. Layne made her entrance into this world three days ago and earlier than predicted. Layne was born on May 8th - Mother's Day. In many ways I think you and God had something to do with that. Oh, how special a day it turned out to be for Mommy.

Mother's day was the holiday I knew would be toughest for Mommy to celebrate without you. To be a mommy and feel like a mommy, means to have a baby to hold on special days like that. Even though I couldn't hold you, I knew you were watching me hold Layne. That was the best gift I could have received this Mother's Day!

With Layne here now days seem sweeter. In some ways Mommy and Daddy feel like life has been put into rewind and we are just starting over. Like many big and little sisters, you and Layne are so much alike. From your appearance to your personality, it will be neat to see how each of you are unique in your own ways.

Mommy was so excited we would be released to go home from the hospital today. I was excited most of all because it was your day. Mommy and Daddy decided the best way to celebrate your day and your new sister was to have a picnic at your spot. So, we packed up some snacks, Mammy's big purple quilt, a watering can for your flowers, and a big pink fluffy bow and headed to your spot. We spent more than an hour reminiscing, wondering, hoping, laughing, smiling, and sharing with Layne about her big sis.

We sure hope you find joy watching Mommy and Daddy love this new baby girl like we loved on you. We hope you know you are always on our minds and in our hearts. We sure love you baby girl!

Memories are all we have of you now, Sweet Baby Girl. Memories of all the good times and sadly memories of your last times. It's amazing how the details of the very last time seeing and holding you in our arms are so much more vivid.

This week at church a new series was started. Its title - 21 hours. Its focus - the last 21 hours of Jesus' life. Throughout the entire sermon all Mommy could think about was your last 21 hours. I know your last day was a good one - the best you could have had. From the moment you woke up early with a fever - to the sweet time we shared in Mommy and Daddy's bed trying to help you sleep comfortably - to the "fast bath" Mommy gave you before we left to head to Louisville - to the "uh-oh's" I heard on the other end of the phone as I called to check on you throughout the day - to the moment we got the call from the EMS worker saying you were unresponsive - to the last time we held you in our arms inside the ambulance late that night.

It's hard to understand how God lets things like this happen - especially when he knows the pain.

Springtime and Easter are going to be a tough time for Mommy and Daddy - maybe even more so than Christmas. For most people it is a time to be with family. It's a time to enjoy the flowers and the warmth of the weather to come. It's a time for family pictures and dresses and playing outside. It's a time for cookouts and afternoon walks. It's a time for Easter egg hunts and kite festivals.

All the things Mommy and Daddy enjoyed before you and with you, we now have to learn how to do without you. We do our best to make these times bearable, but truthfully they are often the most difficult.

Some people imagine that everything will get better when your baby sister is born. Sometimes I wonder if it will change things at all. Many are hopeful that all the sadness will be replaced. Mommy feels as though some people have a hard time fully understanding the difficult nature of this time. When people ask about pregnancy most Mommy's feel proud and enjoy the attention. When people ask me I get so nervous and scared that they don't know about you and what happened. People will often ask "Is this your first?" I used to fumble over my words trying to answer in a way that wouldn't make the other person feel bad for asking. Now I find it's one of the few ways I can tell people about you and about SUDC.

As we try to prepare for your little sister to come, it feels a bit more like we are losing more of you. Simple things like boxing up your clothes and washing your last bed sheet have been very emotional. Mommy and Daddy have made the best of it - if that is possible. Things like moving your toys and putting away some of your pictures makes Mommy feel guilty. We know that life goes on and we have to move forward. Mommy and Daddy also know that nothing will ever truly fix the emptiness we feel.

We will always wonder what life would have been like with you. We will wonder what kind of big sister you would have been to Layne. We will wonder what kinds of Disney shows you would have liked or how many words you would have been able to say now. We will wonder how you would have grown like your friends and what kinds of mischief you would be getting in to. We will wonder how long your hair would have been or what foods you would have liked. We will always wonder what kind of joy you would have brought to our lives.

We hope we can keep your memory alive by sharing pictures and videos of you for others to see. Memories are all we have to remember you by.

Love you, Sweet Girl.

Memories of you...

Hi Sweet Baby Girl,

Tonight Daddy and I had dinner together at Galvin's. Date nights are still so bittersweet. Tonight we laughed and smiled as we shared memories from last year at this time. There were only a few times that tears welled up in Mommy's eyes.

It's getting a little easier to hold back emotions when we're out in public. Seeing little girls about your age is sometimes the hardest for Mommy. It's the little things they do that make me think and wonder about you. The pat of their little hand on the back of Mommy's arm. The bounce of their pigtails as they toddle into Daddy's outstretched arms. The smiles they bring to the faces of strangers nearby. Even the sweet cries. Mommy would take it in a heartbeat.

We remembered bringing you to the same restaurant this time last year and sitting at one of the high-top tables. You were in your high chair, which was so much lower than our table, and would look up at us with those big blue eyes. You didn't seem to mind. You were just happy to be out with all the people.

After dinner tonight Daddy and I came home and watched LOTS of your videos. There are so many good ones. We laughed more than anything at how much personality you always seemed to have. Even when you were fussing, you could make us smile. Before we realized, two hours had passed. What would we give to have more than memories of you...

In some ways the pictures that hang have become a fairytale of what once was. You're with us every minute of the day - on our minds, in our hearts. We want to keep you alive in such a desperate way. We often wonder if we will ever be as happy as we once were when you were here.

The only way we know how to keep your memory with us is to celebrate the times we spent together. This video was taken on your first birthday. Mommy was lucky to be home from school for a snow day. We had a blast playing together that day. I love the sounds of your sweet baby voice. I'd give just about anything to feel the squish of your little belly or the softness of your little hand in mine.

We hope to share your joyful, happy nature with everyone who has been touched by you - the bright light you were in our lives.

Mommy and Daddy love and miss you so much, Sweet Girl.

It's Your Day!

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Girl,

Today is your day. Mommy and Daddy wish we could celebrate your day with you. We sure hope Jesus and all the other angel babies in Heaven found some way to make your day special.

Every year we promise to make your day special in its own way. This year, with the help of Aunt Keshia, we put together "Kindness for Kaden Day". People everywhere were encouraged to perform a random act of kindness for someone in your memory on your special day. The response was incredible. Over 3,000 people participated in the event. Mommy and Daddy are so touched.

Today at Mommy's kindergarten class we celebrated "Kindness Day" by creating cards for special people in our school. Only a few of Mommy's students knew it was actually your day. There was one little girl who quietly whispered in Mommy's ear, "I know today is Kaden's day". That simple sentence warmed my heart in a big way. Later that day she whispered again about the Happy Birthday prayer she said to you this morning before school. So sweet.

Earlier this week Mommy was invited to the opening night of the new exhibit at the art gallery in Richmond. "Kaden's Tree of Life" was being unveiled. With the help of the art teacher Mrs. Discepoli, Mommy's former students created a beautiful piece of artwork in memory of you. They plan to hang it near the garden inside the school with a small plaque. Mommy was overwhelmed with hugs from former students, their parents, and teachers from Model Lab School.

Tonight we plan to share your day with our closest friends. We hope we can make it a day of celebration. We hope to laugh as we share funny memories of you. We hope to be reminded of the pure blessing you were to all of us.

We are always reminded that one day we will hold you again in Heaven. We can only imagine what that celebration will be like.

We love you, Sweet KadenLayne!

Snow Days

Sweet Girl,


Today was another snow day. Last year I remember how exciting it was to stay home from school with you. I remember getting to spend several days leading up to your birthday at home with you. I would make Daddy take us out to lunch each day to celebrate your day just in case I had to work on the real thing. Today would have been the best if you could be here with us.

Christmas and New Year was so different this year for Mommy and Daddy. We did everything we could to make it different than last year just so we wouldn't have to be sad about all that we were missing out on. We set up a shelf of your sweet pictures and pretty things: your red tutu and little pearl necklace you wore in your first Christmas pictures; your white, fluffy boa you would wrap around your shoulders; and your little red headband Mommy splurged on at that store. It looks so sweet next to your smiley-faced pictures. We only wish we could have the real you.




One of the most bittersweet parts of this holiday season came on Christmas Eve. Mommy and Daddy had gone out of town for a few days and on our way back home we stopped by your spot at the cemetery. Before that day your spot was decorated with a Christmas tree in the place where your marker would be. We had ordered it several months before and knew it should arrive before Christmas. We didn't expect it to be on Christmas Eve. As we pulled up to Babyland at the cemetery tears filled my eyes. I could see that it had come. All Mommy could think was "How fair is that? My baby gets a headstone for her Christmas gift this year." As pretty as it looked and as nice as it was, it just didn't seem right.



Most people believe the holidays are the toughest days for people who have lost a loved one. But for us, everyday without you is tough. The holidays were just another day to get through. Since we were only blessed to share each holiday with you once, those days don't matter as much. It's the everyday things that we miss so much.


It's been six months since we last held you. Six months since we last got to watch you enjoy the everyday pleasures of this life. Six months since we heard your giggles and cries. Six months since we last felt the cuddle of your hugs or the wetness of your kiss.



Six months seems like just yesterday but in some ways feels like forever.



We miss you Baby Girl...

Bittersweet

Hi Sweet Girl~

It's been five months since you left us to be with Jesus. We miss you the same each day. Christmas will be here before we know it. We hung your stocking between ours and put up a little tree in your room so it would shine out your window. Mommy decorated it with silver and white ribbons and shimmery ornaments. A big silver bow and star on top makes the tree perfect for you. In some ways it makes us feel closer to you. Tomorrow we will bring you a little tree for your spot. It's extra special because it's the same little tree your Great Grandma Judy made for your cousin Bobby Jack and Great Grandpa's spots at the cemetery. After nearly 20 Christmas's, she said it was time to pass it on to you.

This week we learned you are getting a little sister. In many ways we are so excited to see how this sweet girl will be so much like you. We wonder will she have your pretty blue eyes or your chunky thighs? Will she have your laugh or your outgoing personality? Will she love to dance and talk and cuddle with bears? Will she wave like Ms. America as we walk the grocery aisles? Will she twirl her hair as she falls asleep and race to push the button on her glow worm just one more time? Will she get mad and stomp her feet when her Mommy and Daddy hug on each other? Will she love bubbles and babies and outside? Will she sleep well and love us the ways you did?

We hope that a little piece of you is part of her. More importantly, we hope we can show her just how special her big sis was to so many.

It's hard to believe how life has changed since this time last year. Who would ever think we could experience the best of life and the worst of life all in one year? With God's help we try to stay focused on all that we were blessed to have with you, not just what we're missing.

We hope you know how much we love and miss you sweet girl.

Love you...

Sweet girl,

Just like every morning, you were the first thing on Mommy and Daddy's mind. Today is your day - the 11th. It was always special before and is extra special in its own way now that you're no longer here with us. You would be 21 months old today.

Today was the perfect day - sunny and especially warm for November. It would have been the perfect kind of day to spend with you outside.

Outside...your favorite place to be. You would stand at the big sliding glass doors in the kitchen, smack your hands and say, "Si-Si!". You also loved to swing and slide. You loved to walk on the deck and look through the rails down at Daddy working in the yard. Daddy remembers the time when you were sitting next to the flowerbed and a whole slew of little yellow butterflies flew up all around you. Your big blue eyes lit up with excitement at the sight.

Another of your very favorites with Daddy and outside was wagon rides. You loved being pulled around the yard, giggling, laughing, and bouncing on your bottom the whole way. But the highlight of the ride was when Daddy would get in with you at the top of the big hill and fly down to the bottom over and over again. Your smile and laughter was so contagious.

Now, in our backyard close to the big hill, is a waterfall and garden made just for you. It's amazing how God works His goodness through complete strangers. Mommy and Daddy thought a little pond would be a good way to spend time remembering you. Who would have thought that our little idea would be turned into such a powerful project? So many good people gave of their time, resources, and talents to give Mommy and Daddy this special garden. Nature's Expressions created the most amazing place for us to spend time with you, our sweet girl.

We miss you every day and wish so much that you could be here to see the fish swim and splash your feet in the water.

Love you baby girl.

Looking Ahead...

Today we started our day with a visit to your spot. It's hard to believe that it has been three months since we last held you in our arms. Today you would have been 20 months old.

Everyday brings a little more hope. Everyday things remind us of you. Sometimes those things bring us joy, but often they make us a little sad. Here are a few that come to mind...

Bananas. . . You LOVED bananas. When we would grocery shop I would have to hide them from you. You were so cute! If you spotted them you would fuss for one. When I would hold you in the kitchen you would spot them in the fruit basket. You would get so excited, flap your arms and legs, say "Be-be" and point right at them.

I remember our last day together when we went shopping for fabric for Mommy's classroom we shared a banana on our way into the Hobby Lobby. You didn't mind that it was a little bruised from being in our bag.

Mommy still buys bananas almost every week at the grocery. Most times they rot before they get eaten. One day they will taste sweet again.

Hide -n- Seek . . . You loved to try to find Mommy and Daddy. When you were a little smaller Mommy would hold you in her arms and we would hide together. Daddy would sneak up from behind and make us all laugh.

When you were big enough to walk and run, Mommy would say "Ready - Set - Hide!" and run to the opposite wall of the room. You would walk all around until you found me. I would scoop you up and tickle you all over until you wanted to play again. We miss hide-n-seek.

Big Teddy Bears. . . You got your big brown bear from Santa on your first Christmas. Who would have ever thought that would be your only Christmas with us. Around spring you really started to embrace his big eyes and cuddly body. You would run over to him and lay down in his lap. When it would be quiet in the house Mommy and Daddy would find you sitting with him with a book in your hand.

At the Fayatte Mall in Lexington on our last day together I remember how sweet you looked when you saw the giant plastic teddy bear in the playland. With big eyes you looked up at him and grabbed him with your arms opened wide. Your smile was priceless. It was like you had been reunited with your long lost buddy. The best part was when you turned around, sat down right in his lap, put your arms up over your head and laid back on him. You looked up at him just like you did with your big bear at home.

At night you, me, and Daddy would lay together in your bear's lap to read our bedtime stories and say our prayers. With you Precious Moments angel in our lap we would fold your hands in ours and listen to the little boy's voice say "Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray my Lord my soul to keep. May the angels watch me through the night and keep me in their precious sight." Then we would all say "A-MEN". Mommy and Daddy loved being with you in that special place.

Your bear still lays in the same place beside your crib next to the window. His head tilts in such a way that makes him look a bit sad. Perhaps he misses the attention he use to get. We wonder what kind of bears you're cuddling with up there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the days ahead we have a lot to look forward to. We confirmed today that in May 2011 you will be a big sister. The news is bittersweet for us. Mommy would love to dress you up in a "Big Sister" t-shirt and parade you around to help spread the news, but that cannot happen. In some ways we know we will see part of you in this new life. We look forward to that so much. We hope you and God picked out a good one for us. :0) We realize life will never be as fully joyful as it once was - there will always be a part that is missing. We sure hope we can find a little piece of that joy again.

Although your time with us was short, your impact on our lives continues to be huge. It's amazing to think that just 16 months with you could teach us so much. Even in your passing we have learned the importance of faith and love, the value of family and friends, and the significance of each of our purposes here on this earth.

We sure miss you sweet girl.

Missing you...

Everyday we think about you, our sweet girl. We miss you so much. When we are out and see other little girls about your age we try to find parts of you in them. Today we heard squeaky shoes at the apple orchard. We miss that sound.

Daddy visits you almost everyday to water your spot. He works so hard to keep your spot looking nice. He put new grass seed and dirt down where the ground has settled. I made you a new pretty bow. My sweet girl always has to have a pretty bow.

Today you would have been 19 months and one day old. We wonder what new things you would be doing. I wonder how much longer you hair might be and what new words you would know. We wonder what you would have liked about the petting zoo at the apple festival today. Would you like to see the big camel and the little ponies? We know you would have LOVED the wagon ride and the sweet taste of the apple cider.

We miss you sweet girl and love you so very much.

Kaden Layne Harris

It's been a month since Kaden left us to be with Jesus in Heaven. We are doing our best to find our new sense of normal and establish a routine for our days. We found it quite difficult in the beginning to wake up to the quiet of our home. The usual static of the baby monitor is replaced with empty air. Our excitement for getting up early in the morning to see our smiling baby girl standing in her crib has been replaced with an uncertain purpose for what we need to accomplish today. We know we will get through this difficult time. Our faith in God and the comfort of friends helps tremendously.

16 Months

Kaden is growing so much. We love seeing her develop into such a sweet little girl. She is curious and loving and as funny as can be. She has developed a personality of her own. She loves playing tag and enjoys the company of friends (little and big) and family. She loves to eat new things, but finds animal "cackas" to be the best. She gives great big hugs and adores books.



Brian and I are constantly amazed at how good she is. We jokingly say that our next child will be rotten by nature.

Dressing

Kaden's Donna Ma was so sweet to make her some sun dresses and outfits. Since she said they were super easy to do, I thought I'd give it a try. Kaden looked so cute!

15 Months and Growing Like Crazy!

Such a big girl! At 15 months, Kaden has become a little person. She has a personality that lights up our lives and makes us laugh like crazy. She is a social butterfly already. She loves little kids and is super eager to make new friends. Anything with a face is waved at (including clocks). "Hi-dy" is her favorite word. Her facial expressions change with every move. Even her "old man look" is something to laugh at. She sure is a funny girl! Kaden loves to slide. The bigger the slide, the better. She loved trying out AJ's big slide at his brithday party. She even went down the BIG slide with Daddy at the park during spring break.

Kaden is officially off and walking! It is so fun to chase her around the house. She has pretty much given up on crawling. I think she realizes that walking gets her there a lot faster...and makes her look more like the big kids!

On the Go...

Kaden loves to walk! Too bad she won't let go of her walker or your hand. She walked for 20 minutes straight with this determined look on her face. She seems to be a hard worker already! It won't be long before she's walking on her own!