The Before and After

Today is Sept. 11th.  Of course, Mommy thinks of you.  Mommy also thinks of all those people who are recalling all the horrific details from this horrible day in our history. It is unreal how the details of our best times with those we love can sometimes become so vague, but the moments from the most horrific days can be so ingrained in our memories and have such an impact on our lives that we are forever changed.

Undoubtedly, this is the day that changed life for all of us.  Everyone remembers the moments and details of 9/11, but the moments for those who lost a loved one on that day are magnified.  The minutes leading up to and following a tragic event such as this are replayed in the minds of those affected directly.  To them it is remembered as the before and after.  The what it was and the what it is now.  To them, this is the day their life was changed forever.

For all of those people who lost daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, coworkers, and friends Mommy mourns for them.

It has been 12 years since 9/11. So much of our everyday has been changed because of this event.  So many life plans were derailed and dreams were lost.

It has been 3 years since you were last here.  In those early days and weeks following your funeral the pain and sorrow was relentless.  Every moment of every second of every day was spent thinking about all that we had lost.   Everyday Mommy woke up to the sadness of our reality.  Everyday Mommy looked to find a new purpose for life.  It has taken a long time for Mommy to get to the point where life feels normal again.  The joy has finally returned to my days and Mommy feels optimistic and hopeful again.   It feels good to have it that way, but inside Mommy knows there could have been so much more if you were still here!

Mommy's prayer is that the families of the victims of 9/11 are at a place where the joy feels good again. Where the memories of the before overshadow the devastation of the after.

Thinking of them tonight and loving you always...

New Beginnings

It's August again and Mommy is starting a new year back to school.  Mommy thinks back to what this time was like three years ago.  Much of it is a blur, but so many of the emotions are hard to forget.

Mommy remembers how deafening the silence in our home had become.  It was so hard to be at home for any given time.  A place that was once scattered with your sippy cups and toys had become silent and still.  Sometimes it was nice to have the silence so Mommy could sleep away the sadness.  Most of the time, though, it was just a reminder of what was no longer here.

Mommy remembers going back to her classroom nearly a week after you passed.  It gave me something to do.  It was something to distract and keep me busy.  Mommy remembers working day and night just like when I was a brand new teacher.  Mommy remembers how the kids that year filled my heart with so much of the love that had gone missing.  Mommy remembers hanging on to the memories of you visiting Mommy at school and playing with some of the toys and puppets.  Mommy remembers how the people I worked closest with and those who knew you best got Mommy through the hard times.  Sometimes it was a hug, but most of the time it was with a good memory or a laugh.

Three years later and Mommy still remembers.  Life is certainly different now.  Our house is again scattered with toys.  Cups and plates litter the counters from day to day.  Laundry has become Mommy's nemesis again.  Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I think back to how it felt when our life was flipped upside down.

A year from now, you would have been starting kindergarten.  Mommy has often wonder how difficult that would be.  Mommy has worry about how it would feel to have the kids that you once played with in class making friends, learning to read, and enjoying school without you here.  Mommy has wonder if it would be something to get use to or something that would be a reminder that you are no longer here.  Mommy often wonders about a lot of things like that.


This month Mommy moved to a new school.  Mommy even moved to a new grade.  New teachers, new kids, even a new building. Mommy looks at this as a new beginning.  Not to forget about you or the precious people that  became Mommy's rock.  Instead, to make new memories, experience new joys, and find new hope.  Mommy believes this is God's plan for protecting me from all those worries and wonders.

Mommy will always wonder what life would have been like if you were here.

We love you and miss you the same...

Lost

When you were about six months old Mommy and Daddy took you to your very first Kentucky State Fair.  Mommy and Daddy went each year to watch your Uncle Art play music under the tent in front of the fair grounds.

This was going to be your first visit.  Mommy was thrilled for you to meet the cows and pigs in the farm exhibit.  You were just an itty-bitty round faced baby girl at the time and I knew you wouldn't remember a thing, but I was excited about this being your first official fair!

Fitting snugly inside Mommy's baby sling, I carried you through the rows of animals.  Mommy even stopped by one baby calf just so you could get a close look.  When that cow made a quick turn of its head Mommy got nervous for a second.  I didn't want anything to hurt my precious baby girl.

Later in our visit we stopped by to look at all the police cars and community exhibits.  There was a mock town where little kids rode tricycles like real cars and little versions of stop signs and street lights lined the roads.  Nearby there was a free photo ID booth. A member from the police department was taking pictures of kids so that parents could have a child ID card just in case their child ever became lost.  Written in big, blue letters at the top were the words "LOST CHILD ID CARD".  Just under the title was a list of things to do should your child become missing.    

Mommy never passed up an opportunity to have your picture made...even if it was just for an ID card.  As silly as it sounded and even though you were just a baby and had a gazillion pictures taken of you every day, Mommy insisted that we have an ID made for you.  Mommy thought it would be a neat keepsake from your first fair and that you would enjoy looking at it when you got older.  It was clear that you were too little to stand in front of the blue backdrop mounted on the wall, so Daddy held you up in his arms as the camera flashed.

When we got home that day, Daddy put your card in his dresser drawer.

This week, as Daddy was cleaning out his dresser drawer, he found your card. This week marks three years since we last had you here with us.  When he showed it to Mommy the first thing I said was I wish she was just lost.  If you were just lost, then there would be hope that you would be found.  As quickly as that thought entered my mind I realized that Mommy had it all wrong. 

Sometimes the only thing that gets Mommy through the sadness is to think of the million other ways children are taken from their parents everyday.  Mommy can't help but think of all the ways you were spared the sorrow and heartache that often comes with life here on earth.  It makes Mommy happy to think that every one of your days was full of love and joy.   

Mommy is thankful to know exactly where you are.  That gives Mommy peace everyday.

Love and miss you sweet girl...

Pictures of You

"I want to see Kaden, Daddy!"

Your little sister often asks.  As Daddy pulls out his wallet, Layne smiles with delight.  She loves to look at the pictures Daddy keeps of you in there.  The one of Daddy tickling you on vacation.  The one of you smiling big as Daddy pushed you on the swing.  Layne studies the photos and names the people in each one.  Mommy and Daddy are quick to share the sweet memories from those times we had with you.

When we talk about you, Layne often says, "I want to hug her!" The first time she said this, Mommy almost cried.  All Mommy could think was Boy, I want to hug her, too!  Pictures and memories of Mommy holding you flash in my mind. What would I give to have just one more squish of those chunky legs or feel one more squeeze with your tiny arms around my neck?  Each time I feel your sister's squeeze, I feel a little of you.  It's not the same, but it sure does help Mommy to remember.

"Where is Kaden?"

What Mommy loves best of all is how Layne answers this question.  Layne knows that you get to celebrate Christmas and your birthday with Jesus.  In her tiny, two year old little voice she says, "Kaden's in heaven."  Mommy pictures you smiling and laughing up there.  Layne knows that heaven is a special, pretty place and that you get to be there.  She knows that one day we will get to be there with you, too.   That's Mommy's favorite part of this story.


Losing you has undoubtably been the most difficult part of Mommy and Daddy's lives.  Knowing the gift of everlasting life in heaven is before us is definitely what keeps us going.

We love you.  We miss you.  We always remember you.

The Two-Dollar Bill

A few weeks ago Mommy took your little sister to Big Lots.  As soon as we walked through the automatic door she saw the little yellow bus.  She had ridden the bus just a few times before and talked about it for days and days after.  She loves to ride that little bus. 

As always, Mommy knew she had absolutely no money in her wallet.  Just like with you, Mommy never carries money, only her debit card.  Mommy knew that if we bought something we could get cash back so we could have money to ride that bus.

After walking around the store and picking out a few things for Layne’s upcoming birthday, Mommy walked to the checkout counter to pay.  The nice lady at the checkout desk greeted Layne with a smile and commented on her ever so polite requests to ride the bus.  As Mommy finished checking out I was surprised to see there was no cash back option at this store.  Rummaging around in my purse, I searched for enough coins to make the 50 cents needed to ride the bus.  No luck.  The yellow bus sat across from us.  Mommy could see the anticipation in Layne’s eyes as she smiled about what was to come. Mommy glanced down to the two-dollar bill that lay tucked in the back of my wallet.  I thought about you. I couldn’t use it. 

Just in time, the sweet lady at the checkout desk reached in her apron, placed two quarters out on the counter, smiled, and said, “Here you go, Princess”.  At the exact same time, the young lady in line behind us laid 50 cents next to my wallet. Overwhelmed with gratitude Mommy thanked both of them and prompted Layne to do the same. In her little voice Layne smiled and thanked them both.

Those two nice women went on about their business. Grinning from ear to ear, Layne rode the little school bus. Mommy felt so happy to enjoy this moment with Layne and relief that I didn’t have to use my two-dollar bill.  Those two women will never know how much that truly meant to me.

Mommy got that two-dollar bill a few months after you passed away.  Your Donna Ma gave it to me.  She said she had been saving it to give to you on your second birthday.  Since she wouldn’t be able to do that she wanted me to have it.  For the past three years I have carried that two-dollar bill in the same wallet I had when you were here with us. No one really knew about it.  Not even Daddy.  For some reason seeing it everyday didn’t make me sad.  Mommy kept it there to remind me of you.

Even though that two-dollar bill was given to Mommy after you were gone, it reminds me that everyday we had with you was a blessing.  For all those days we miss out on I know we will somehow make up for when we see you again in heaven. It’s the little reminders that Mommy holds on to most.

This week your baby sister turned two.  On Thursday Daddy came home from work with a surprise in his hand.  Pinched between his fingers he held up a crisp two-dollar bill.   “I got it special for your piggy bank,” he said as he gave it to Layne.  She took it from his hand and began to dance around holding it up in the air. 

“Thank you, Daddy!”

Mommy placed Layne’s two-dollar bill on her dresser next to your picture. 

Love you and miss you sweet girl…

Never Forget

Last week we took your sister to the beach for Spring Break.  So much of our vacation was reminiscent of our last trip with you.  Everything from playing in the sand, to the way you flapped your arms back and forth as you watched the waves crash into the shore.  Even watching Daddy swing your little sister at the playground gave me flashbacks to the memories we were so fortunate to have made with you.  Pictures from your albums at home would flash in my mind.

Sometimes it is a smile or a laugh.  Sometimes it is felt in the memories we are making with Layne.  Nonetheless you are with us always and we miss you the same.

Sometimes it is hard to remember.  Everyday I never forget...

Conversations

Hi Baby Girl...

It's March and spring is around the corner.  Mommy and Daddy are loving the time we can get together playing outside with Layne. We always think about how life would be so much sweeter if we had you here, too.



Layne is just five months older than what you were when you were last here with us.  With every month that goes by, every milestone she reaches, and every memory we make with Layne, Mommy and Daddy realize even more how much we are missing out on by not having you here. 



Just the other morning, when Mommy went in to get Layne up for the day, she lay sweetly on her tummy looking at Mommy.  Mommy sat down next to her just outside her crib and began to ask her if she slept well.  She said yes and began to ramble about what she did the day before with her babysitter, Anna. 

Layne is becoming such a sweet little girl.  It's difficult for Mommy to call her a baby anymore because she is no longer that.  Even though Layne is younger, I feel like you are still my baby girl, sweet Kaden. 

Mommy often wonders what our conversations would be like.

Love and miss you, sweet girl.


Kaden ~ 16 months

Layne ~ 22 months







Angel Kisses

A few weeks ago while cleaning your sissy's bathroom sink, Mommy came upon a picture of you as a newborn.  It's a sweet picture in a pretty frame striped with the colors of your nursery and labeled with a k.  You were probably no more than a few days old when the picture was taken.  Mommy remembers taking it and trying so hard to capture the tiny little ID bracelet in the frame.

Looking at the close-up of your sweet little face, I was reminded of the tiny red marks that graced your eyelids as a newborn.  I remember asking the nurse while in the hospital what those little marks were and if they would go away.  She called them angel kisses and assured Mommy they would fade with time.

After a few weeks those little marks did fade away. 

Just a month or so ago Mommy started saying a night time prayer before bed with your sissy Layne.  In the dark of the night Mommy will hold Layne's hand in mine and whisper your sweet bedtime prayer.  Mommy's favorite part is the second line... 

May the angels watch me through the night and keep me in their precious sight.

I wonder if those little angel kisses you once had were placed there for a reason.  Perhaps God knew when you were born that one day you would be watching over us.  Maybe we need you up there to help give us something to look forward to after this life on earth is over...

Still, we love you and miss you the same.

Happy birthday sweet girl. 

Fitting In...Again

Hi Baby Girl,

As Layne grows into a little girl, Mommy finds so much joy in watching her absorb the world around her.  She is so bright and eager to learn.  She echos every word we speak and responds in just the right ways when we have conversations with her.  Who knows if she really gets what we are saying, but boy she is good at playing along.

One of Mommy's favorite things to do with Layne is share the pictures and names of the people in her life.  She loves your friends Jacob and Lucas so much.  She calls them "the boys" and gets so excited when we plan play dates.  Every Sunday when we say we are going to church, the first thing Layne says is "boys?". 

Even though the boys were too young to remember their time with you, Mommy remembers.  Seeing Layne play with them reminds me so much of all the fun we had together watching the three of you grow.  Mommy was so happy to have their mommy as a friend and even happier knowing that we had each other to help figure out how to be the best mommies we could be.

When you passed away, all that changed.  Not because of anything anyone did wrong.  It changed because the circumstances of Mommy's life were suddenly so different.  Sadly, Mommy no longer needed to figure out sleep schedules or toddler meals.  Suddenly life for Mommy was completely different from that of Mommy's closest friends. 

For the past three years Mommy and Daddy have been adjusting to life without you and life with Layne. In that time our friends have been so patient and considerate of our feelings...even when we were unsure of how to feel.

Now that Layne is a toddler, she is beginning to fit in with all your friends.   She loves to play with them and is finally old enough to interact with them in meaningful ways. They treat her so much like a little sister. It makes Mommy's heart happy to know Layne has a little piece of something that was once so special to you.

As Layne is beginning to fit in, Mommy feels like she is beginning to fit in again, too. 

Love you and miss you, Baby Girl.

To: Girl, Age 3

This Sunday we celebrated Christmas with you.

Just like last year, your Donna Ma felt like it was important to do something special during the holidays in a way to honor you.  Last year we used this day to thank the many special people who helped us get through the first full year without you.  This year, we thought we could make it even more purposeful by having a little Christmas gathering.

With love and joy-filled hearts, everyone brought a toy or clothing item meant for a child who is the same age you would have been this Christmas.  From baby dolls to puzzles, books to pajamas, a whole table was filled. Even Santa came to surprise the kids with candy canes and an open lap to share their special Christmas wishes.

After Santa headed off, Mommy, Donna Ma, and lots of family and friends began work as his little helpers in the basement wrapping and sorting all the gifts brought in your honor.  Angel Tree tags cinched big bags filled with the Christmas wishes of two little 3-year old girls. Other gifts were tagged with the names of little girls from Northern KY and Georgetown.  The rest were labeled with the age and gender that matched the gift inside.  These were going to be dropped off at the Home of the Innocence in Louisville. 

As the final gifts were tagged, your Donna Ma asked for all of them to be labeled "From: Kaden".  Mommy quickly volunteered to take on this job.  Mindlessly, Mommy began writing your name on the first few gifts.  After the third or fourth, Mommy began to get a little emotional.  It had been so long since I had written your name. With every "K" Mommy wrote, I could feel more and more tears well up in Mommy's eyes.  With every gift Mommy labeled from you came a mix of emotions - sadness, then joy.  Sadness - that these may have been the things you would have enjoyed as a little 3-year old.  Joy - that these few little girls may have their Christmas wishes come true because of you.  

This Sunday we celebrated Christmas with you. Even though you were not with us physically, your little life was honored in such a big way. Moments like these bring healing and peace to all of us who miss you so dearly.

Mommy loves you sweet girl...

Nashville

When you were just 9 months old Mommy and Daddy took you on your first little weekend trip to Nashville, TN.  Nashville is one of the many places Mommy and Daddy still go every year for Daddy's teams.

Just a year earlier, when you were in Mommy's belly, we were there.  I remember walking up and down those city streets.  At six months pregnant, Mommy felt winded at times from the baby weight.  Mommy sure slept well that night after walking up and down those hills. 

The next November, when you came with us, the weather was sunny and warm. It was a perfect weekend for making sweet memories as a little family. Even though Daddy had to work, there was a little time in between his schedule to do some fun things.  It was nice walking you in your stroller up and down the strip.  I felt as winded as the year before pushing you around, but loved every minute of it.  We would stop to listen to the music and at one little place we even got you to take a little catnap. That was very rare for you since you loved your bed so much!

I loved playing with you outside the center where Daddy's event was being held.  There was the perfect little grassy area just out front near some trees.  The fall leaves laid all around you.  You were so smiley and full of joy.  You loved being outside and around all the people.  That little spot was special.

The next year, after you were gone, Mommy went with Daddy again to Nashville. I thought for sure that since I had been there so many times before, it wouldn't be a problem for Mommy to hold it together. 

Just like always, Daddy had to be at the event much earlier than Mommy.  Just like before, Mommy planned to meet Daddy to watch his teams.  As Mommy walked the few blocks from the hotel to the center, memories of you came rushing back.  The closer I got, the more tears welled up in Mommy's eyes.  Just like all the times before, Mommy tried her best to hold back the flood of tears. 

As Mommy entered the building and walked to the main area to watch Daddy's teams, flashbacks of the year before pushing you around in your stroller came streaming back. To escape the rush of emotions, Mommy walked out front to get away from all the people.  Mommy didn't want anyone to see her cry. 

Mommy walked quickly out the front of the building. Some of the girls from Daddy's teams were taking pictures with their teammates. Behind them, Mommy saw the little patch of grass that we played on before.  This time, Mommy couldn't hold back the tears.  As fast as Mommy's legs would carry her, I walked as far away from the crowds as I could. 

Mommy found a quiet step to sit on and cried.

This past weekend, Mommy and Daddy went back to Nashville.  While Daddy had been there the year before, this was Mommy's first trip back.  This visit was so much different than Mommy's last.  This time Mommy had a little piece of you...your little sister, Layne. 

We stayed in the same hotel with the same "sweet dreams" pillows you once laid your head on.  Mommy walked Layne in her stroller on the same streets and watched with the best kind of joy imaginable as Layne ran and played on the same little patch of grass you once enjoyed.  To Mommy, these are the most precious moments I still have with you. They can never be taken away. Even though they are just memories, Mommy is so glad to have them and thankful to be able to enjoy them again.

Love you baby girl...

Kaden ~ 9 months - Nashville, TN

The Week We Never Had...

It's the 11th again and just like everyday I think of you.  I think of the conversations we might have if you were here.  I think of the little things we would do.  I think of the memories I would have expected to make with you this fall.  You would have been over 3 and a half years old.

I remember when you passed away people would ask how old you were.  I would always say you were one day shy of 17 months. To me it was a big deal that you were almost 17 months. 

I always made the 11th of each month a big deal so that you would know how special you are to us.  That's why I write to you still. On your last day, your Donna Ma and I made plans to have lunch after church the next day to celebrate your 17 month birthday.  Your Donna Ma had your outfit all ready for you to wear the next day.  We never, in a million years, imagined that we would never get that day.

Ever since you passed, I decided that it was in God's plan for Mommy and Daddy not to be with you that night. We knew and still know that if anyone loved you and cared for you as we did it was your Donna Ma. Mommy believes that having her love on you and take care of you when you weren't feeling well was part of God's plan, too. She did all the things we would have done and then some. 

When Mommy heard the news about you through Daddy's phone conversation that night, I was hysterical. Mommy hates that your Donna Ma and Papa had to endure the pain of being there when you passed. Mommy, even to this day, cannot fathom how traumatic that must have been for them. Mommy believes that was God's way of protecting Mommy and Daddy from the most traumatic memories.  As hard of a time it has been for your Donna Ma and Papa to heal from the memories of that night, Mommy is forever grateful that they were able to protect us from it.  God knew that Mommy and Daddy couldn't bare that kind of pain.




On Monday Layne turned 17  months old.  Sunday night, as I laid her down for bed, I gave her an extra big hug.  It was difficult not to think about what it would have been like to have laid you down for the last time. That night Mommy cried thinking about the events of your last night.

For weeks I had anticipated this time. As strangers would ask Layne's age I would think of you as I would respond "She'll be 17 months of the 8th".  It felt like I was asked a hundred times.  Every single time I thought of you and imagined for a moment what I would have done had I known that we wouldn't see 17 months with you. 

This is the week we never had with you.  Everyday from here on out with Layne will be a completely new experience for Mommy and Daddy.  In some way that makes Mommy sad.  It reminds me that our time with you has run out.  In a another way it makes me happy. Perhaps Mommy will have a glimpse into what life would have been like with you.

Until we see you again in heaven, we love you sweet Kaden Layne...

Kaden in May 2010. She would have worn this outfit on her 17 month birthday.

Layne at 16 months.

A Choice

Hi Sweet Baby Girl,

Mommy finds it funny to call you a baby girl sometimes. As Layne grows day by day, I can only imagine how much of a big girl you would have been by now.  We smile thinking about how much Layne would have loved to have you.  We sure miss you.

This weekend Mommy, Daddy, and Layne spent some time in Louisville.  We visited with Papaw, Missy, and Aunt Keshia.  Watching Layne play in the same backyard you once played as a 16 month old brought back many sweet memories of your last visit.  From behind, you would never know Layne wasn't you.  Her hair bounces off her tiny shoulders just like yours once did.  Her smile gets as big as ever when she's at the peek of her ride on Papaw's big swing. 

You and Mommy made lots of memories together at Papaws that last time we were there.  We sat together under Mommy's favorite tree and shared ice cream from the Dairy Delight up the street.  Those were extra sweet times. Mommy remembers doing those same things when she was a little girl living there.

This time when we visited we happened to visit the sweet neighbors next door - Wilma and Horace.  Every year Mommy visits them at least once just to say hi.  They were special to Mommy as a little girl.  Mommy used to play at their house when their grandsons were in for a visit.  You even got to meet them once.  I'm glad.

This time when we visited Wilma she shared that a dear friend of hers had lost her granddaughter just a week ago.  She happened to be there and Mommy was able to meet her and the Mommy of that sweet little girl.  Perhpas you have met her by now.  I sure hope so.

As Mommy talked with the mother of that little girl, my heart ached for her.  In our few exchanges of words, I could feel her sadness and fresh grief. The same emotions that Mommy has spent two years tucking away felt fresh again just for a moment.   Mommy said a prayer for that little girl's mother.

At the end of my brief conversation with that little girl's mother, I remember saying "You can find joy again someday."



Losing you has certainly been the most profound and devistating event Mommy and Daddy hope to ever experience.   Those minutes and hours and days after you passed away were the most gut-wrenching, heartbreaking days of Mommy and Daddy's lives. 

At your funeral Mommy remembers asking the mother of another child who had passed unexpectedly if I would ever feel normal again.  In the most gentle way possible she replied "You'll always feel like something is missing." 

That mother was right.  Any mother who has expereinced the loss of her child no matter what way, always wonders.  Just like Mommy, there is all those times you wonder what it would have been like and how life would have been changed if there wasn't a piece missing. 

Mommy has learned that everything in this life was not intended by God to be perfect at all times. No matter how much Mommy tries to control all the aspects of life, I know it's really God who can see the full picture.    Life happens and lots of us expereince circumstances that aren't what we would have chosen if we were the writer's of our book of life. Mommy has learned that it's moments in life, both good and bad, that help to mold us into the people we were intended to be. 

Mommy has made a choice to accept, to grow, to learn, to love, to embrace, and to find joy in what we have now. 

We still miss you the same.

A Little Stronger, a Little Happier

Sweet Kaden Layne,

Hi sweet girl.  It's so hard to believe that another month has come and gone so quickly.  We still think of you everyday and miss you so much. We often wonder what kind of three year-old you would have been.  Most times to us, though, you are still a little sweet, chunky-legged, blue-eyed 16 month-old girl. 

The reality for Mommy and Daddy is that our memories grow ever more faded. As time moves on, Mommy and Daddy find it ever more difficult to remember all the little things about you. That makes us saddest of all.

As your little sister gets closer to the age you were when you passed, we are blessed with the same kind of joy we felt with you.  Having her to hold and love and spend our days with helps make life so much brighter again.  What a precious gift that is to Mommy and Daddy.  We know not to take that kind of joy for granted.  We appreciate it more than anyone would imagine.

One of the greatest promises in the bible says that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
Mommy knows there is good to come from all of this.  Mommy believes that God didn't take you away to hurt us or make us sad.  Having you for a short time was better than not ever knowing you.  Your little life served a big purpose for me.

Because of you, my sweet Kaden Layne, Mommy values time and relationships so differently than before.  Everyday, with help from God, Mommy tries to find a way to accept how your passing has changed things.  Life is a little more complicated, but everyday Mommy feels a little stronger, a little happier, and a little more hopeful. 

One day I know Mommy will get to see you and hold you again.

Miss you baby girl.

15 months

The Dragonfly Kite

It was a cool April afternoon. Daddy and I were getting ready to take you to the Georgetown Kite Festival.  Mommy and Daddy couldn't wait to do fun family things like this with you. 

As Daddy finished packing the car to leave, you did something big.  We had been practicing and waiting so long for you to do it all by yourself.  Finally, at thirteen months, you took your first wobbly steps outside on the driveway. 

When we got to the kite festival the big open field was full of kids and families flying kites of many sizes and colors.  We came prepared with your great great grandma Mammy's purple quilt and some snacks to share.   We knew you would enjoy just being outside and playing with your good friends, Jacob and Lucas. Mommy knew it didn't matter to you that we had no kite. 

Kaden & Lucas April 2010

Daddy thought otherwise. Daddy always loved to teach you how to do all kinds of things.  Flying a kite was one more thing he looked forward to.  So at the festival, Daddy got you a pretty blue kite with a dragonfly.

That day, Mommy and Daddy took turns trying to get that kite to fly. There wasn't much of a breeze, so we did our best to run up and down the field with the kite trailing behind.  We think it spent more time dragging the ground than up in the sky.  As exhausting as it was, it was worth the smile on your face.


A few months later, you and Daddy went out to the front yard to try to fly your kite again.  It was the perfect day - clear and windy.  You stood by Daddy's side. The wind took your kite up higher and higher. You pointed up as it flew.  Mommy imagines Daddy doing little tricks to impress you.  What a good day and a sweet memory for you and your daddy to share.

That memory was just two weeks before you passed away.   After you were gone, Daddy put your kite downstairs with all the other things that you would no longer use. 

Last month Mommy and Daddy went on vacation with some of our friends and their families.  We were prepared to have mixed emotions about being with our usual group of friends and their kids without you.  Just like the first set of holidays we spent that first year without you, Mommy and Daddy have learned to anticipate that some experiences will be more difficult than others. This "first" was another we were prepared to work through.

Layne May 2012

It was the second full day of our vacation and it just so happened to also be your special day.  It was the 11th.  As Mommy does every morning, I woke up thinking of you.  I smiled remembering all the fun we had on our vacation with you to the Outer Banks. Mommy and Daddy made plans on your day to take Layne to the beach.  This would be Layne's first day at the beach and Daddy thought it would be the perfect day to fly your special kite. 

Mommy and Daddy loaded up the baskets of our rented bikes, strapped on Layne's helmet and seat belt, and headed that way.   Mommy and Daddy laid out our beach blanket just a few yards from the water.

After Mommy and Daddy took turns playing in the waves with Layne, we headed to our spot on the beach.  Daddy pulled your special dragonfly kite from our bag and walked toward the back of the beach away from the crowds of people.  Layne and I stayed near our blanket and played in the sand.  It took no time before Mommy saw Daddy flying your kite so high.  Daddy seemed so glad to see it fly again. 

Kaden's Kite

With Layne's hands in mine, we walked a few yards over to where Daddy was standing, leaving our things behind.  Mommy pointed up in the sky for Layne to see and then sat her down to play in the sand again.  I told Daddy I would be right back, that I was going to grab our things and move closer so we could watch.  Leaving Layne behind, Mommy ran back. 

When I returned just a few seconds later, I saw Daddy standing with Layne in his arms.  Her entire face was covered in sand.

"I had to let go." he said.

"The kite.  I had to let go."

As I had turned away to gather our things, your baby sister had tried to crawl.  On the unsteady sand, she fell forward, face first.  At that exact moment Daddy glanced down to see her face down, struggling and kicking her legs.  In an instant Daddy had to make a decision:  let go of your special kite or rescue your baby sister.  Daddy let go and the wind carried your kite away.   It was gone.

For over an hour that day Mommy and Daddy searched for your kite.  Everyday for the rest of our trip our eyes would comb the beach for a dragonfly kite just in case someone found it.  What was supposed to be a happy way of including you in our vacation became the most disappointing part. 

Losing your kite that week felt like losing more of you.  To anyone else, that kite was just a piece of plastic.  To Mommy and Daddy that kite was a reminder of the day you took your first steps and the time you and Daddy shared together in the front yard.

It took awhile, but Mommy and Daddy learned something important after letting your kite go that day.  We learned that there are times we want so desperately to hang on to the things of the past.  And there are times when it's also okay to let go.  Only then can we begin to live in the present again.

We love you, baby girl, and hold you close to our hearts always...