Up

Hi Sweet Girl…

Last weekend I was scrolling through the movies on ABC Family.  Mommy was looking for some good ones to record for Layne.  Among the many that were listed, Mommy came across the movie Up. Mommy recorded it.

The next morning Mommy turned it on for Layne.  As the movie played Layne sat as still as a statue on the couch beside me.  The beginning of the movie was very tender and sweet.  It showed the start of a friendship between a shy little boy and a free spirited little girl.  The boy was curious and loved balloons.  The girl was talkative, enthusiastic, and adventurous. It showed how their friendship grew into love for one another.   The girl kept an adventure book that help keepsakes from the many adventures she had as a kid.  Somewhere near the middle of the half-filled book she hand-wrote the page - Stuff I'm Going To Do.  The next page of the book showed a drawing of a place called Paradise Falls.  It was a place she hoped to live one day.  The many pages that followed were empty.

It wasn't long before her dream became his.  The movie flipped quickly through the years highlighting all their adventures together.  Just a few minutes in, the movie showed them growing old together and her passing on.  His love for her was evident in the way he held close to the memories they shared in the home they lived.  From the mailbox they shared, to the chairs they sat beside one another in each day, he held on closely to the things she cherished and loved.

As Mommy sat on the couch with Layne, tears streamed down Mommy's cheeks.  Not only was the movie incredibly touching, but Mommy found something very ironic.  This happened to be the movie we took you to when we went to drive-in movie theater with our good friends and the boys- Jacob and Lucas.  Mommy remembered how fun it was to have you three roly-poly little babes hanging out in the backyard.  We even laughed about the idea of one day you and one of the boys going to the drive-in together as teenagers.  Then we laughed even bigger when we captured this picture of you.  We thought it was a nice display of how you felt about boys. Daddy liked it. :)  Back then, the movie was touching, but nothing like it is now.

As Mommy sat on the couch and watched more of the movie with Layne, I couldn't help but think of my version of your adventure book.  It was your scrapbook.  I thought of how your Uncle Jamie held it up during your funeral service and talked about all the fun times that were documented inside.  He also acknowledged how many empty pages would never be filled.  I think that's what made this sweet little movie I was watching with Layne break Mommy's heart so much.  

I thought of how many people, just like Mommy, have empty pages they were never able to fill.  I thought about Mommy's own grandma and how grandpa passed away over twenty years ago leaving her behind to fill her adventure book alone.  I thought about the families who were barely able to begin their adventure books because of SIDS.  I thought of countless others whose life adventures have been altered or cut short because of heartbreaking circumstances.  That made Mommy incredibly sad.

It was the end of the movie that reminded Mommy of the real lesson.  Throughout the main part of the movie the man was doing everything he could to hang on to what he had left of his beloved wife.  He found it difficult to enjoy the people around him and find happiness in new experiences. He worked tirelessly to try to honor the dream she had as a young girl.  All the while and unbeknownst to the man, his wife had left him a message at the end of that adventure book.  The message read…Thanks for the adventure…Now go have a new one!  

Mommy thought back to those early days without you.  I remembered how long it took before Mommy and Daddy found joy in our days again.  In the beginning, Mommy remembers feeling guilty about making new memories with Layne.  Mommy felt like happy days meant that I wasn't missing you like I should be.  It took time…lots of time.  Finally Mommy began to feel good about having new adventures here without you. I guess it's because I know in my heart that your little book of adventures is still being filled.  Oh man, I can't wait to hear all about them! Mommy knows that one day, hopefully a very long time from now, Daddy and I will hear about and share new adventures with you in your place of paradise. Until then, Mommy will appreciate the joys and adventures that each day brings and know that it's okay to let go in order to do so.

Love you…and miss you sweet girl! 

Baby Dedication

Hi Sweet Girl,

Today is Mother's Day.  Today is also your day - the 11th.  As always you are never far from my thoughts.

This morning was sweet. Mommy woke up to Layne softly calling from her bed, "Oh Mommy…Mr. Sunshine waked up!"  Daddy, being so sweet, offered to go and get Layne from her bed so I could sleep in. But, being Mother's Day, Mommy felt even more excited to see Layne first thing.

Today was Baby Dedication day at church.  For the past three years we had missed this day for one reason or another.  Usually it was because we were in Louisville visiting Mommy & Daddy's moms.  The two Mother's Days you were with us we missed the day because we attended church with your Donna Ma and Norm Pa.  After you passed, Mommy felt kind of sad that we were never able to have you dedicated.

Nonetheless, this was the first time since before you were born that Mommy and Daddy attended a Baby Dedication Ceremony.  Sweet were the little baby girls in their pretty dresses and the baby boy in his button down shirt. The four families that stood before our service to dedicate their babies were so happy.  I was happy for them too.

Throughout the ceremony, Mommy kept hearing the same phrases being restated:

"Children are a gift from God, and parents are the caretakers while they are here. As parents, we are given the responsibility to raise and guide them to know God until they are called home."

During the ceremony tears began to flow from Mommy's eyes.  It was like the floodgates had been opened and without warning.  Mommy was completely caught off guard.  Why was I sad all of a sudden?  Mommy's mind raced for answers.

Was it because you never had the chance to be dedicated?  Was it because Mommy and Daddy never had a chance to raise you in the ways of the Lord?  Was it because Mommy was happy - knowing in my heart that Layne has been dedicated already (even though it's not official) and a big reason has to do with you? Was it because all of the infants had siblings standing nearby or off stage?  Was Mommy so emotional for all the moms out there who were broken hearted by the idea that some of God's children are only on loan for a short time?  Or was it because Mommy knew your purpose had already been fulfilled?

As Mommy sat through the rest of the dedication ceremony and the Mother's Day service, I reflected on all these questions.  I realized the answer to all of Mommy's questions was yes.  Mommy was happy and sad for all these reasons.

Mommy didn't get to have you dedicated, but I never needed to.  I know you are safe in the arms of God.  Mommy didn't get a chance to raise you in the ways of the Lord because our time ran out, but now I get the chance to raise Layne to know Him and have you as a way to make it connect for her.  Mommy has come to realize that God's purpose for your life must have been fulfilled in that short time you were here.  I can think of hundreds of reasons why I need you here, but I am told that it's God's purpose that I need to trust.  Mommy is just a little selfish, I guess.

Mother's Day will always be bittersweet.  Sweet is the memory of Layne being born on Mother's Day just three years ago.  Her birth was the beginning of the rainbow after the storm.  What a rainbow of joy and light and healing she has been for all of us, too!  Bitter is the emptiness that still exists in Mommy's heart.  What would the joy be like if there were two of you to share this day with?

Loving and missing you this Mother's Day, my dear Kaden Layne…

Mother's Day 2010

Mothers Day 2010

Wish Upon A Star

Hi Sweet Girl,

It's another spring. The weather is turning nice and the school year is winding down.  Last week was Spring Break for Mommy and Daddy.  So, we did something we have been waiting a long time to do…we went to Disney.

Layne loved every bit of the trip!  A nice friend Mommy met through school helped us plan our week.  Each morning we started bright and early.  Each night we finished late.  It wasn't until Wednesday and Thursday, our last days away, that we planned to visit the Magic Kingdom.  Saving it until last kind of made it extra magical for all of us…especially Layne.

On the last night we made plans to stay late for the ever popular Disney electrical parade and firework show.  As the light show ended and the fireworks began, Mommy watched and thought of you.  

"If you wish upon a star..." I heard the song begin to play as a quick flash of sailed through the sky just over Cinderella's castle.

Instantly Mommy's mind was taken back.

"Makes no difference who you are..." The song continued to play.

Again, Mommy's mind remembered.  How significant that night back in July of 2010 had been to both Mommy and Daddy.

"...When you wish upon a star... your dreams… come true…" The song played on some more as another flash of light made an arc over Cinderella's castle once more.

Mommy couldn't help but take a mental step out of the present and into the past.  While watching the beauty of the flash of lights, meant to be shooting stars, and while listening to the simple music that played all around, I couldn't help but remember another shooting star.

It was Tuesday night, July 13th, the day before we would say our final goodbyes.  Mommy and Daddy had spent the day before in Louisville, standing for hours beside your worn, pink flip flops, glow worm, and favorite books that lay close to you. Sharing memories. Sharing tears. Occasionally even sharing a laugh here or there.    We stood there for all those hours, next to you, with such heavy hearts.  The next day was a day that was much the same.  We shared more tears and the same sweet memories with our friends and many acquaintances in Georgetown during your second visitation.  Another exhaustingly difficult day.  But we knew, even then, the most difficult day hadn't come.

Weary and exhausted, but supported by friends and family, Mommy and Daddy enjoyed the company of others that evening  at our home.  The time was nice.  It was a good distraction.  Hours had passed and before Mommy and Daddy knew it, most people had said their goodbyes for the evening.  As the last couple got  in their car and pulled away, Mommy and Daddy stood together on the front porch, all alone for the first time again since getting the sad news.

Daddy looked up and noticed the sky.  It was clear and dark and quiet. The stars, what seemed like a zillion, shined so bright.  Daddy went back in the house and grabbed a blanket.   When he came back out he invited Mommy to lay down with him and look up in the sky.

Feeling empty and sad, heartbroken and lost, Mommy and Daddy held hands.  As we lay there looking up in the sky, we both weeped.  No words were necessary.  We both knew exactly how the other was feeling.  

After several minutes we decided to pray together.  Praying had always been something we had each done more on our own and not very often together.

After a few minutes of quiet think time, Daddy prayed aloud first.  Daddy's prayer was a request for God to somehow show us that you were with Him and that He was with us.    Daddy chose his words carefully. Each one was muttered with sad emotion.

Then, it was my turn to pray.  With Daddy's hand still holding mine, I began.  I kept my eyes closed as I stumbled over my words. My prayer's focus was on strength,  hope, and healing for Daddy and me.  Just as Mommy began to wrap up, Daddy started squeezing my hand ever so tightly. I could feel him trembling all over! He shouted out -  A SHOOTING STAR!

A shooting star had whipped through the sky in the blink of an eye.  Having had my own eyes closed, Mommy missed it completely.  But... Daddy saw the whole thing!  Had Daddy's prayer been answered?! It sure felt so by Mommy and Daddy.

Going in to the funeral home the next morning, we felt completely different.  A sense of peace had come over us - at least on this day.  We felt excited to share  about our prayers and the shooting star with our closest friends and family.  As crazy as it seems, it felt like a sign from God that He had His hand on us and on you in Heaven.

I hadn't really thought about that night for a long time….Watching the man-made shooting star go over the castle at Disney reminded me of that July night four years ago. It reminded me of how we were so desperate for God's presence then when things were so tough.  It also reminded me of how God is always present and waiting for us to seek Him. We don't always have to wait until things are bad to share or make our requests.

That night in Disney Mommy made a wish on one of those shooting stars.

Love you and miss you the same…

Mommy

Kaden's First Easter - Spring 2009

Phone Calls

One of your little sister's favorite things to do is to pretend to talk on the phone.  She mimics every move that she sees Mommy, Daddy, and Bobby do on the phone.  Whether it be pacing the floor like Daddy, holding her arm in the air to balance the phone on her shoulder like Bobby, or rambling on like Mommy, Layne LOVES to pretend to talk on the phone.  Talking on the phone is one of her favorite pastimes these days.

When you were several months old Mommy got you your very own little play phone.  It had just a few buttons and flipped open and closed.  You would carry it around the house. It was often a go-to toy for when we were running out the door.

Mommy remembers our trip to Nashville.  Mommy knew that it would be a long weekend away from home so I made sure to pack a variety of toys for you to choose from.  Among the ones I stashed in the bag, your little hot pink phone was along for the ride.  In the back of Mommy and Daddy's packed car everything you would need for our weekend away was there.  The pack-n-play, your favorite blanket, suitcases, snacks, and your bag of toys.

With each bump of the highway we would hear it.  Even the slightest hump would set it off. During your nap in the car it seemed to be louder than ever. "Dunt, dunna, nu, nu, dunt, dunt."  Your little phone sang the only song it knew.  Sweet, right?

At first Mommy and Daddy laughed.  After awhile, though, it started to get annoying.   Mommy remembers having to climb to the back of the car, dig through the heap of stuff we packed, and pull out your little phone.  At least in your hands we wouldn't have to hear it repeat so often.

Fast forward several months.  It was the fall of 2010.  Mommy can't remember when for sure, but I know it was just a few months after you had passed.  It was after Mommy and Daddy's friends cleared our house of all things that called baby.  From toys to cups, diapers to lotion.  It was all put away.  No toy was left out.  Not a sleeper, a towel, or even a sock of yours could be found.  Our friends took care of the task of putting it all away.

That's what made it such a surprise.  On one of those fall days Daddy picked up his guitar for the first time in a long time. To his surprise he heard a familiar tune.  Dunt, dunna, nu, nu, dunt, dunt.  It was your little toy phone and it was inside Daddy's guitar.   When Daddy shared this news with me I remember feeling overjoyed at first. It felt like a reminder that part of you was still near.  Shortly later, though, Mommy became sad. Not too long after, I started laughing through my tears.  The sound of that tune reminded me of our trip in the car.

 A few times Daddy had laid his guitar flat on the carpet for you.  With your little hands you would grab at the strings and make your own music.  You must have dropped your little phone inside without Daddy noticing.  Mommy loves that.

A few weeks ago Mommy cleaned out our junk drawer and came across two old cell phones.  They were ones Mommy and Daddy got the year you passed away.  Thinking Layne would love playing with a "real" phone, Daddy dug out the old chargers and plugged them into the wall. It didn't take too long for Layne to find the pictures and videos of you.

This past weekend, Layne had your friends Jacob and Lucas over for a playdate.  It was neat to watch Layne share her phones with your pictures and videos with them.  I'm sure part of it was the interest in a cell phone they were actually allowed to have, but Mommy likes to think they were all curious to learn more about you.  It was sweet seeing them watch you so intensely and hearing them say your name.

Isn't it too bad we all can't just call you in Heaven? Oh, how Mommy would give anything to talk to you.

Love you, miss you, and think of you always my sweet Kaden Layne.

Lucas, Kaden, & Jacob celebrating Daddy's birthday March 2010.

Jacob, Layne, & Lucas May 2013.

Daddy & Kaden on Daddy's birthday March 2010.

Kaden  - March 2010.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl...

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Girl,

It's crazy to think you would have turned five years old today.  Last night was a pretty sad night for Mommy.  Memories of the night before you were born played out scene by scene in Mommy's mind.  From the late night Mommy spent preparing Valentine activities for my second graders, to the UK game Mommy watched with Daddy on TV.  The giant kick Mommy felt from you was such a surprise -that's what started it three weeks earlier than Mommy was due.  What an exciting time it was for Mommy and Daddy.  So much anticipation, nervousness, and uncertainty.

In the first days after you were born, Mommy was so concerned about how close your birthday was to Valentine's day.  I didn't want you to grow up having to compete with such a holiday.  I wanted your day to be special for you. Mommy already had it planned out for your birthday to be separate every year. Valentine's Day would just be a bonus!

And so, it was nice that it was on Valentine's day when we first brought you home from the hospital.  Mommy and Daddy called you our little valentine.  You were the best gift Mommy could have asked for.  Mommy and Daddy fell so in love.

Such sweet memories…

When you passed away our hearts were broken.  While time has helped, our hearts have not completely healed.

Today, on your fifth birthday, Mommy wonders what you would be like.  On Friday, Valentine's Day, Mommy will remember how you filled our hearts with so much love.  Everyday, Mommy will think of you and be grateful for the joy you brought to us in your short little life.

Love and miss you always...

Picture…Not Quite Perfect

It's a new year.  Almost four since you were last here.  Mommy thinks of you everyday still and misses you the same.

Another holiday season has come and gone.  This year was one of the best Mommy and Daddy have had in a long while.  It could have been that your little sister, with her big imagination and pure joy, brought a certain kind of excitement and life to our Christmas.  Or maybe it was because by now we know what to expect around the holidays.  Nonetheless, it was one marked with more smiles than tears, and that's progress for sure.

Mommy can remember back to the first Christmas we had without you.  Mommy remembers how sad Christmas cards made me feel that year. Perfect pictures of families complete - each was a reminder of what we once had and what we would not have again.  That year Mommy kept the cards in a basket with the photo-less ones on top.

This year, as the Christmas cards rolled in, Mommy hung them on the door of the hall closet for all to see.  Layne especially liked looking at the ones with her cousins and friends.  Mommy brought out the card we sent to our family and friends with the picture from your first Christmas.  Perched in a frame, Mommy placed it out on the counter as a decoration next to Layne's.

Your First Christmas - December 2009

Christmas cards and family pictures will probably always make Mommy a little sad.  Every time we have our pictures made as a family Mommy feels a nudge in her heart to think of a way to include you. No matter how beautiful the photos turn out, to Mommy they are not quite perfect without you.

In our home images of you can be found all around.  Mommy loves each one for the memory it holds. Some are of us as a family.  Many are of you by yourself propped up next to ones of Mommy and Daddy with Layne.  Most times they make me happy.  Sometimes they make me sad.  I wish there was a way to have us all together somehow.

Love you and miss you always sweet Kaden Layne…  

                                                                         Pictures with Layne and you on Mommy's fridge.

Uneven

When Mommy thinks of you I always wonder how you would look and what you would be like if you were still here.  When Mommy thinks of you I often imagine what it would be like to have you here.  I wonder how our family would feel if we were four instead of three.

The open seat at our table of four. . .
The empty space in the backseat of our car. . .
Our Jack and Jill bathroom with double sinks. . .
The double wide carts at Sam's that Layne rides in by herself. . .
Watching Daddy ride a single go-cart while the other daddy's ride with their big kids in the double ones. . .

They're all sad reminders that our family is incomplete without you here.

Mommy feels so uneven sometimes.

Wishing you were here to help make our family complete...

Love and miss you, Sweet Girl.

Our Spot

When you first passed away Mommy and Daddy spent countless hours visiting your spot.  Daddy went every morning to water your flowers and pick out the weeds.  Mommy always looked for pretty ribbons to make your bows.  Your spot was never without.  It was your spot at the cemetery where Mommy and Daddy found comfort in those first days, weeks, and months without you.  Taking care of your spot was the one way Mommy and Daddy were still able to take care of you.

When your little sister was born it was your spot that we took her first on our way home from the hospital.  It happened to be the 11th, which made it that much more special.  We wanted to share her with you in the only way we could think.  That day we had a little picnic there.  That seemed to be the day when Mommy felt hope again.

As Layne has grown up into the curious little girl she has become, Mommy and Daddy have made certain that she knows she is not an only child.  Pictures of you still hang on our walls and sit on our shelves. Mommy makes certain to share new ones from time to time.   The memories that are tucked away in Mommy's heart are shared when the times seem just right.

Just before Halloween Daddy took Layne and me by your spot.  Layne had helped Mommy pick out some little scarecrows and a few little pumpkins the week before.  As we pulled into the main drive of the cemetery, Layne knew exactly where we were.

"We're going to Kaden's spot?" Layne asked.

"Yes, Baby."

That's when she started to ask all kinds of curious questions.

"Mommy, do you have a spot?"

        "No...Baby."

"Daddy, do you have a spot?"

         "No..."

Mommy and Daddy could only look at each other in silence.  The curious, but innocent nature of her questions melted our hearts that day.


A few weeks ago Mommy and Daddy had some sad news.  Sammy, our cat of 7 years, had been hit by a car late in the night in front of our house.  Our neighbor noticed him early the next morning.  Before your sister could see him, that nice neighbor picked him up from the road and put him in a white bag.  That afternoon Daddy told your sister the sad news.

"Sammy went to Heaven last night."

"Sammy went to Heaven?"  You could see her wheels turning.  After a long pause and in the most serious way she said, "We can go get him, Daddy!"

"No, Layne." Daddy paused for a minute.  "Sammy went to Heaven."  After another long pause he say, "You will need to be extra nice to Frank.  He might be a little sad."

"Maybe we can go see him,"  She said in her tiny 2-year old voice.  "Maybe we can go to Heaven sometime."

Later that day Daddy found a spot on the hill just behind the pine tree to burry Sammy.  Daddy put a few rocks on top to mark the spot as his.  Everyday Layne will make mention of him in some way.  Sometimes she will say to Frank, "I'm sorry Sammy went to Heaven." Other times she will tell me how you get to play with Sammy now.  Tonight she asked if I could drive my car and she could ride her bike to go to Heaven. I couldn't help but smile.  I wish..  

Since you have been gone, Mommy is reminded that this is not the end. One day, a long time from now, Mommy will have a spot.  Daddy, too. We look to Jesus and hold on to the hope that one day we will have a spot with you next to our Father in Heaven.

We love you Sweet Girl...

Princess...the First

Sweet Baby Girl...

The day Mommy and Daddy found out you were going to be a girl, we knew we wanted to raise you to be sweet, caring, and genuine.  We wanted you to be smart and independent and confident.  Daddy also vowed to raise you to be a girl who liked worms, wasn't afraid of dirt, and would play golf and tennis.  Most importantly, Daddy wanted you to be everything EXCEPT a princess.

For Mommy, that meant no shopping for frilly pink outfits, printed shirts or labels that implied anything remotely related to princesses.  Hair bows and cute shoes were about the extent of the girly stuff Mommy got for you.  Mommy loved that! Just like Daddy, though, I wanted you to be raised to love the boy stuff and the girly stuff the same.  I wanted you to be well-rounded and thought it should be up to you to decide what you liked.  

Pajamas were some of Mommy's favorite things to get for you.  There is something about the look and feel of a baby in feeted pajamas that still gives Mommy a warm, fuzzy feeling.  You always looked adorable in them and seemed so comfortable parading around the house in your cozy pjs.  It seemed like you were always growing out of them.  Mommy was always on the lookout for cute prints, soft fabrics, and ones that steered away from anything princess.  Mommy even had your Donna Ma on the hunt for them when she was out shopping.

After a visit with your Donna Ma, you came home with some pretty spring-colored pjs. A pink pair and a purple pair.  Your Donna Ma said she was a little unsure about the pink cheetah print ones, but thought that your Daddy would be ok with them.  Mommy thought they were super sweet.  

A few weeks went by and we found ourselves on vacation with our friends and their little ones.  Skylar, Jacob, Elly Kate, and you were the perfect mix of ages to make the week so much fun! One morning, early in the week, Mommy walked you down to the kitchen for breakfast.  There in the living room was Aunt Mary and your sweet little friend, Elly Kate.  Aunt Mary and Mommy were tickled to see that you girls had on matching pajamas!  As Mommy walked you closer to play with Elly Kate, I noticed something was slightly different.  I turned and looked closely at the kitty cat on your pink jammies, then looked back to Elly Kate's.  Just below the white kitty was a small, rectangular shaped word. As I looked again and moved even closer I could read the word.  The word was PRINCESS. 

I gasped, then laughed out loud. It took me just a second to realize what your Donna Ma had done!  Knowing your Daddy would have a fit, your Donna Ma had carefully snipped away the threads that surrounded the tiny label. Without a hint of evidence, Mommy and Daddy never noticed.  That day we had a good laugh as all of Mommy's friends gave Daddy a hard time for not letting you be a princess.  Daddy was a good sport!

It was about a month after this that you passed away.  A few weeks later, your Donna Ma gave Mommy the clipped-off label.  She had kept it all along.  I'm not sure why, but I like to think that she always thought of you as her little princess.  Mommy treasured that little label then and still does today.  I keep it in a special box by itself in Mommy's night stand. Occasionally I will think about it and smile remembering that funny day on vacation.

Secretly and lovingly, you always were Mommy and Daddy's first little princess.

In a few weeks it will be Halloween.   This week Layne said she wanted to dress up as Sophia the First...a princess.  This afternoon Layne and I pretended to be princesses in the backyard.  As we were holding up our pretend dresses she told me, "Mommy, I want you to be Princess Amber for Halloween!"  Such a sweet thought from such a tender-hearted little girl.  Mommy couldn't help but sigh.  Amber is Sophia's sister.

If you were here Mommy is certain that Layne would have asked you to be Amber.   If you were here I imagine you and Layne doing all the things that sisters do.  Mommy has healed so much in the last three years, but my heart still breaks to see your sister play alone when she should be playing with you.

We wish you were here for your sister to love on like she loves on us.  We wish you were here so that Layne could share her love of fairies and books and music and dancing with more than her teddy bears and baby dolls.  We wish you were here so that Layne could learn about being a big girl.  We wish you were here so that we could know which princess you would like to be.  We wish you were here so that our hearts would be doubly filled with the kind of joy Layne brings to our days.

We love you.  We miss you. We remember you always...

The Before and After

Today is Sept. 11th.  Of course, Mommy thinks of you.  Mommy also thinks of all those people who are recalling all the horrific details from this horrible day in our history. It is unreal how the details of our best times with those we love can sometimes become so vague, but the moments from the most horrific days can be so ingrained in our memories and have such an impact on our lives that we are forever changed.

Undoubtedly, this is the day that changed life for all of us.  Everyone remembers the moments and details of 9/11, but the moments for those who lost a loved one on that day are magnified.  The minutes leading up to and following a tragic event such as this are replayed in the minds of those affected directly.  To them it is remembered as the before and after.  The what it was and the what it is now.  To them, this is the day their life was changed forever.

For all of those people who lost daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, coworkers, and friends Mommy mourns for them.

It has been 12 years since 9/11. So much of our everyday has been changed because of this event.  So many life plans were derailed and dreams were lost.

It has been 3 years since you were last here.  In those early days and weeks following your funeral the pain and sorrow was relentless.  Every moment of every second of every day was spent thinking about all that we had lost.   Everyday Mommy woke up to the sadness of our reality.  Everyday Mommy looked to find a new purpose for life.  It has taken a long time for Mommy to get to the point where life feels normal again.  The joy has finally returned to my days and Mommy feels optimistic and hopeful again.   It feels good to have it that way, but inside Mommy knows there could have been so much more if you were still here!

Mommy's prayer is that the families of the victims of 9/11 are at a place where the joy feels good again. Where the memories of the before overshadow the devastation of the after.

Thinking of them tonight and loving you always...

New Beginnings

It's August again and Mommy is starting a new year back to school.  Mommy thinks back to what this time was like three years ago.  Much of it is a blur, but so many of the emotions are hard to forget.

Mommy remembers how deafening the silence in our home had become.  It was so hard to be at home for any given time.  A place that was once scattered with your sippy cups and toys had become silent and still.  Sometimes it was nice to have the silence so Mommy could sleep away the sadness.  Most of the time, though, it was just a reminder of what was no longer here.

Mommy remembers going back to her classroom nearly a week after you passed.  It gave me something to do.  It was something to distract and keep me busy.  Mommy remembers working day and night just like when I was a brand new teacher.  Mommy remembers how the kids that year filled my heart with so much of the love that had gone missing.  Mommy remembers hanging on to the memories of you visiting Mommy at school and playing with some of the toys and puppets.  Mommy remembers how the people I worked closest with and those who knew you best got Mommy through the hard times.  Sometimes it was a hug, but most of the time it was with a good memory or a laugh.

Three years later and Mommy still remembers.  Life is certainly different now.  Our house is again scattered with toys.  Cups and plates litter the counters from day to day.  Laundry has become Mommy's nemesis again.  Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, I think back to how it felt when our life was flipped upside down.

A year from now, you would have been starting kindergarten.  Mommy has often wonder how difficult that would be.  Mommy has worry about how it would feel to have the kids that you once played with in class making friends, learning to read, and enjoying school without you here.  Mommy has wonder if it would be something to get use to or something that would be a reminder that you are no longer here.  Mommy often wonders about a lot of things like that.


This month Mommy moved to a new school.  Mommy even moved to a new grade.  New teachers, new kids, even a new building. Mommy looks at this as a new beginning.  Not to forget about you or the precious people that  became Mommy's rock.  Instead, to make new memories, experience new joys, and find new hope.  Mommy believes this is God's plan for protecting me from all those worries and wonders.

Mommy will always wonder what life would have been like if you were here.

We love you and miss you the same...

Lost

When you were about six months old Mommy and Daddy took you to your very first Kentucky State Fair.  Mommy and Daddy went each year to watch your Uncle Art play music under the tent in front of the fair grounds.

This was going to be your first visit.  Mommy was thrilled for you to meet the cows and pigs in the farm exhibit.  You were just an itty-bitty round faced baby girl at the time and I knew you wouldn't remember a thing, but I was excited about this being your first official fair!

Fitting snugly inside Mommy's baby sling, I carried you through the rows of animals.  Mommy even stopped by one baby calf just so you could get a close look.  When that cow made a quick turn of its head Mommy got nervous for a second.  I didn't want anything to hurt my precious baby girl.

Later in our visit we stopped by to look at all the police cars and community exhibits.  There was a mock town where little kids rode tricycles like real cars and little versions of stop signs and street lights lined the roads.  Nearby there was a free photo ID booth. A member from the police department was taking pictures of kids so that parents could have a child ID card just in case their child ever became lost.  Written in big, blue letters at the top were the words "LOST CHILD ID CARD".  Just under the title was a list of things to do should your child become missing.    

Mommy never passed up an opportunity to have your picture made...even if it was just for an ID card.  As silly as it sounded and even though you were just a baby and had a gazillion pictures taken of you every day, Mommy insisted that we have an ID made for you.  Mommy thought it would be a neat keepsake from your first fair and that you would enjoy looking at it when you got older.  It was clear that you were too little to stand in front of the blue backdrop mounted on the wall, so Daddy held you up in his arms as the camera flashed.

When we got home that day, Daddy put your card in his dresser drawer.

This week, as Daddy was cleaning out his dresser drawer, he found your card. This week marks three years since we last had you here with us.  When he showed it to Mommy the first thing I said was I wish she was just lost.  If you were just lost, then there would be hope that you would be found.  As quickly as that thought entered my mind I realized that Mommy had it all wrong. 

Sometimes the only thing that gets Mommy through the sadness is to think of the million other ways children are taken from their parents everyday.  Mommy can't help but think of all the ways you were spared the sorrow and heartache that often comes with life here on earth.  It makes Mommy happy to think that every one of your days was full of love and joy.   

Mommy is thankful to know exactly where you are.  That gives Mommy peace everyday.

Love and miss you sweet girl...

Pictures of You

"I want to see Kaden, Daddy!"

Your little sister often asks.  As Daddy pulls out his wallet, Layne smiles with delight.  She loves to look at the pictures Daddy keeps of you in there.  The one of Daddy tickling you on vacation.  The one of you smiling big as Daddy pushed you on the swing.  Layne studies the photos and names the people in each one.  Mommy and Daddy are quick to share the sweet memories from those times we had with you.

When we talk about you, Layne often says, "I want to hug her!" The first time she said this, Mommy almost cried.  All Mommy could think was Boy, I want to hug her, too!  Pictures and memories of Mommy holding you flash in my mind. What would I give to have just one more squish of those chunky legs or feel one more squeeze with your tiny arms around my neck?  Each time I feel your sister's squeeze, I feel a little of you.  It's not the same, but it sure does help Mommy to remember.

"Where is Kaden?"

What Mommy loves best of all is how Layne answers this question.  Layne knows that you get to celebrate Christmas and your birthday with Jesus.  In her tiny, two year old little voice she says, "Kaden's in heaven."  Mommy pictures you smiling and laughing up there.  Layne knows that heaven is a special, pretty place and that you get to be there.  She knows that one day we will get to be there with you, too.   That's Mommy's favorite part of this story.


Losing you has undoubtably been the most difficult part of Mommy and Daddy's lives.  Knowing the gift of everlasting life in heaven is before us is definitely what keeps us going.

We love you.  We miss you.  We always remember you.

The Two-Dollar Bill

A few weeks ago Mommy took your little sister to Big Lots.  As soon as we walked through the automatic door she saw the little yellow bus.  She had ridden the bus just a few times before and talked about it for days and days after.  She loves to ride that little bus. 

As always, Mommy knew she had absolutely no money in her wallet.  Just like with you, Mommy never carries money, only her debit card.  Mommy knew that if we bought something we could get cash back so we could have money to ride that bus.

After walking around the store and picking out a few things for Layne’s upcoming birthday, Mommy walked to the checkout counter to pay.  The nice lady at the checkout desk greeted Layne with a smile and commented on her ever so polite requests to ride the bus.  As Mommy finished checking out I was surprised to see there was no cash back option at this store.  Rummaging around in my purse, I searched for enough coins to make the 50 cents needed to ride the bus.  No luck.  The yellow bus sat across from us.  Mommy could see the anticipation in Layne’s eyes as she smiled about what was to come. Mommy glanced down to the two-dollar bill that lay tucked in the back of my wallet.  I thought about you. I couldn’t use it. 

Just in time, the sweet lady at the checkout desk reached in her apron, placed two quarters out on the counter, smiled, and said, “Here you go, Princess”.  At the exact same time, the young lady in line behind us laid 50 cents next to my wallet. Overwhelmed with gratitude Mommy thanked both of them and prompted Layne to do the same. In her little voice Layne smiled and thanked them both.

Those two nice women went on about their business. Grinning from ear to ear, Layne rode the little school bus. Mommy felt so happy to enjoy this moment with Layne and relief that I didn’t have to use my two-dollar bill.  Those two women will never know how much that truly meant to me.

Mommy got that two-dollar bill a few months after you passed away.  Your Donna Ma gave it to me.  She said she had been saving it to give to you on your second birthday.  Since she wouldn’t be able to do that she wanted me to have it.  For the past three years I have carried that two-dollar bill in the same wallet I had when you were here with us. No one really knew about it.  Not even Daddy.  For some reason seeing it everyday didn’t make me sad.  Mommy kept it there to remind me of you.

Even though that two-dollar bill was given to Mommy after you were gone, it reminds me that everyday we had with you was a blessing.  For all those days we miss out on I know we will somehow make up for when we see you again in heaven. It’s the little reminders that Mommy holds on to most.

This week your baby sister turned two.  On Thursday Daddy came home from work with a surprise in his hand.  Pinched between his fingers he held up a crisp two-dollar bill.   “I got it special for your piggy bank,” he said as he gave it to Layne.  She took it from his hand and began to dance around holding it up in the air. 

“Thank you, Daddy!”

Mommy placed Layne’s two-dollar bill on her dresser next to your picture. 

Love you and miss you sweet girl…

Never Forget

Last week we took your sister to the beach for Spring Break.  So much of our vacation was reminiscent of our last trip with you.  Everything from playing in the sand, to the way you flapped your arms back and forth as you watched the waves crash into the shore.  Even watching Daddy swing your little sister at the playground gave me flashbacks to the memories we were so fortunate to have made with you.  Pictures from your albums at home would flash in my mind.

Sometimes it is a smile or a laugh.  Sometimes it is felt in the memories we are making with Layne.  Nonetheless you are with us always and we miss you the same.

Sometimes it is hard to remember.  Everyday I never forget...