February 28th

February 28th is a date that Mommy will never forget.  It was the day you were set to be due.  I remember when Dr. Youkilis first mentioned this date.  I recall thinking how nice it would be to have you a few weeks past Valentine's Day.  Mommy didn't want you to ever have to share your special day with a holiday. I was always thinking toward the future.

When you were born seventeen days early, Mommy and Daddy were both so surprised.  To be quite honest, Mommy was a little disappointed.  Not because I didn't want to see your sweet face, it was more so because your birthday would be just a few days before Valentine's Day.  The moment I saw you all that went out the window. It was love at first sight seeing your tiny little features.  Mommy no longer cared when you were born.  I was just so happy to hold a healthy and perfect baby girl.

Fast forward to your first birthday. Mommy found out real quickly that February 11th was the best birthday.  Your day sat perfectly between Christmas and Daddy's birthday. It gave Mommy just enough time to recover from the rush of the holidays.  It gave me the right amount of time to make your birthday party super special.  Mommy would have never imagined this would be the only chance I would get to plan a special day for you.

November 2010.  It had been almost five months since you passed away.  Life was completely different than the year before.  It was just Mommy and Daddy.  And that was really hard.

That November, Mommy and Daddy saw that a new Disney movie had just come out.  Mommy, being the kid at heart, loved Disney movies, so Daddy took me to see it.  

As Mommy and Daddy sat together watching the movie,we were surprised to see how similar this story was to ours.  In the beginning, the mother and father were overjoyed by the birth of their first born, a daughter.  Soon after being born, a terrible old woman kidnapped their baby, leaving them heartbroken and sad.  As the movie progressed, we learned that the woman would raise their baby as her own, just to use the special power she possessed in her magic hair.  We watched as the years went by and her parents continued to mourn over her, their lost child. It was like looking into our future.

Luckily the whole movie wasn't all gloom and doom. There were many funny parts, and one thing was special.  Each year on their daughter's birthday they would release a lantern into the sky.  The entire kingdom would join with them and release hundreds more lanterns.  And each year, the kidnapped young girl would watch and wonder.  She would see these beautiful lights in the sky and have no idea that these lights were being lit for her.  In the end, she would eventually be drawn to these lanterns and learn they were for her.  Her parents would be reunited with her after many, many years apart. Like all Disney movies, all would live happily ever after.

As Mommy and Daddy sat in the movie theater, surrounded by many moms and dads with their kids, we were taken aback by all the similarities. Mommy even got teary-eyed in a few parts.  So much of this story reminded Mommy of you. At the end, Mommy left feeling quite disappointed that our story wouldn't end like theirs. In spite of that, Mommy loved this movie so very much.

Fast forward to February 28th, just a few weeks ago.  It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon.  One of the first nice days in weeks, Mommy, Daddy, Layne, and Jack decided to make the most of the beautiful day by grilling and sitting out on the deck.  While we were out there, Layne, completely on her own, decided she wanted to celebrate you.  She told Mommy she wanted to have a birthday celebration for you.  One idea after another spouted out of her mouth.  She was motivated.  She was excited.  She was on a little mission. She brought Barbies and toys, made decorations, and drew pictures.  She walked around the deck picking up all the solar power lanterns by their handles.  She placed them strategically on top of the posts and railings so they faced directly up toward the sky. After that, she "lit" them as she began to sing Happy Birthday to you in her four year-old voice.

Your little sis, Layne, playing on the back deck. 

Watching her reminded me of that movie.  Seeing how she loves you in such a pure and simple way was the best reminder that you're never lost.  You're sweet spirit lives with us.  We know right where you are, and one day we will experience the happily-ever-after we once thought we'd never have.

Love and miss you sweet girl...

You and Daddy, March 2010.

All That We Have

Celebrating you on your first birthday in 2010.

Seven.  Mommy can't even imagine what you would be like at seven.  Seven years old is just too far from 16 months. When Mommy thinks of you, you're still the toddling little straight-haired girl you were all those years ago.  Squeaky shoes and bitty bows, it's hard to imagine anything other than what Mommy knows.  

Mommy made these special decorations for your party.
Now these little ladybug letters are in your scrapbook.

Tonight Layne and I watched your video.  We were in the parking lot of the gas station - the same one we once took you to.  We were passing time as we were waiting on your Donna Ma to pick up your little sis, Layne, and baby bro, Jack, for an overnight visit.   Seated close together in the front, Mommy was in the driver's seat and Layne was in the passenger's.  Like at a movie theater, we were seated super close together.  With the darkness of the night, the auxiliary cord plugged in, and the volume turned up, it looked and sounded like the best little movie theater.   Even though the screen was tiny and our heads were practically touching, it didn't matter.  Like a new release, neither of us could take our eyes off of you. 

The video was your birthday video.  It's the one Daddy made that first year we had to celebrate your birthday without you.   The echo of your little voice traveling through the car speakers was so clear.  It almost sounded like we were all there with you, or you with us.  Even Jack, seated in his carseat in the back, reacted like it was all real.  He responded to the pretty music and the sounds of familiar voices with sweet babbles and coos of his own.  This is the video, the one we share each year on your birthday with all of our friends online, that Mommy loves most because Daddy filled it with our favorite clips with you.

This is a picture Mommy hadn't come across before.
Mommy misses those squishy legs and your baby fine hair.

It was halfway through when Mommy first took my eyes away from the screen.  Mommy felt a smile draw up and a warm feeling started to grow inside Mommy's heart. I think it was in her eyes.  Layne's attention was completely glued to your every move. A slight squint in the corners of her eyes showed she enjoyed this part of the video even more.  It was of you and Daddy doing what she loves best -dancing.  As your whispy hair flowed behind every move Daddy lead you through, your little sis would smile an even more precious smile.  Between that and her ridiculously expressive eyebrows, I couldn't stop watching your little sister watching you.  That sweet little smile stayed plastered on her face until the very end.  

Tonight, when I was ready to cry, she continued to smile.  When Mommy was ready to talk about how sad it was that you were there and we were here, she reminded me how lucky we were to have all these memories.  Sometimes it's through the eyes of your four year old sister that Mommy learns to appreciate all that we have and all that we still are.  

So thankful for the gift you were, and continue to be, for our little family my sweet Kaden Layne.

Happy 7th Birthday baby girl...

 

Bedtime Stories and Footed Pajamas

As a first-time mom to you and like most first-time moms, Mommy fretted over every detail that revolved around you.  I'm pretty sure I drove your daddy crazy! :)

A hair-bow that matched every outfit, clothes packed in your closet for every size you would need - not just for the first six months, we were prepared for your first two years!  Ridiculous, Mommy knows!  Did I mention the wooden hangers?  Yep, Mommy was almost as excited about the super steal I got on matching wooden hangers from the GAP Outlet as I was on finding out you were a girl. Okay, that may be a bit of a stretch!

  Mommy searched high and low for the prettiest Easter dress I could find.  Of course, you had to have a matching bow.  Daddy thought your dress was pretty ridiculous.  We both had a good laugh when Daddy had to work around all those ruffles to change your diaper.  

Everything was always just right.  Mommy made sure of it all the time.  Anytime you stayed with your Donna Ma and Norm Pa overnight, Mommy made sure you had an outfit for every possibility.  Mommy never knew when something fun might be on the agenda.  And during your days with Daddy, Mommy and Daddy always made sure you had what you needed to be happy.  Mommy and Daddy packed toys and jumpers and all kinds of gadgets for you to be entertained at Daddy's office. Mommy wanted you to be happy during those long hours working with Daddy!

Like most first-time mommas, Mommy was always prepared with a plan and a routine, too.  Mommy read the books and googled the blogs.  Milk times, snack times, nap times, play times, meal times, bath times, bedtimes.  They were all planned out in advance.  That's what good mommas do, right?  Mommas have it all under control.  That's what Mommy thought.

On July 10, 2010, Mommy learned a lot about control.  Even when you do everything right, Mommy learned, we are not in control.  Mommy learned that no matter how hard you work to prepare and prevent, that no matter how much you love and trust, no matter how many times you check and try, some times things of this life are just not in our control.  They are not in anybody's control.  Mommy has learned we just have to trust in God.

Mommy has decided that's why you and God worked together to pick out Jack.  It's tough for Mommy to believe that Jack is already one.  Boy has he rocked our world over the year!  Everything Mommy and Daddy did with you and Layne as babies was thrown out the window when he came.  For the first three months, the crying seemed to never stop. Sleep and milk routines, yeah right!  Jack threw a wrench in every preconceived notion Mommy and Daddy had about parenting a newborn. When God gave us your little brother he knew exactly what he was doing!

Over the last year Mommy has learned to let go of so many things.  Mommy has learned to live in the moment and savor the quality time.  The idea that the perfect outfits for babies have to be coordinated, and the perfect way to raise them is with a master plan - Mommy has traded it in! Mommy's learned that trusting in God's plan is better than any plan I could ever master. Mommy's also learned that footed pajamas and quality time is way better than a perfectly clean house or meticulously organized diaper bag.  It's footed pajamas that have packed some of Mommy's favorite memories - of you, of your little sister Layne, and now of Jack.

Pink newborn footed pajamas are what you wore home from the hospital on Valentine's Day 2009.  We had to roll up your sleeves because they were so big.

Your first drive-in movie date with Mommy and Daddy.  You stayed cozy on that cool summer night watching the animated movie UP with your little friends Jacob and Lucas in the back of the car.

Playing toys with your cousin Cy.  Mommy only wishes you could have spent more time with him.  You were both so sweet to watch together. 

Visiting Santa for the first time.  You even wore your cousin Cy's footed pajamas.  A few years later your sister, Layne, would wear the same pair.  We saved these same footed pajamas for your baby brother Jack, but he turned out to be a wee bit too big to wear them at Christmastime!  We did have him wear them in October just for good times and to keep the tradition.  

Just being you!  You always looked so sweet and felt so good in Mommy's arms when you were wearing your precious footed pajamas.


So tonight, as I rocked Jack in the same glider I rocked you and your sis, and as I felt the weight of his warm little body packed snug against mine in his footed pajamas, we read the best little bedtime story and shared a tiny moment.These tiny moments with him remind me of those memories Mommy has of you.  Sometimes,  deep down, Mommy can still remember how warm it felt reading bedtime stories with you in your footed pajamas.Love you and miss you baby girl...

A Camera

Christmas 2009 ~ You were 10 months old. 

Mommy finally saw them.  The two of them were running down the long corridor.  Thank goodness they made it just in time.  A feeling of relief rushed over Mommy.  It was passed to Daddy, and quick hugs and a kiss were exchanged. Mommy was so glad to have it. Mommy never could have imagined how important that moment would be, how precious of a gift it would become.

That was the night Mommy went into labor with you.  Three weeks early, Mommy was only partially prepared.  Our bags were packed, and we had one of our own, but the difference this one would make would mean so much. 

A camera.  This camera was the real deal.  Aunt Keshia had a good one, much better than Mommy’s. It was like the professionals.  It was quick to shoot and easy to focus.  The quality of the images was what Mommy was most excited about.  Thank goodness your Aunt Keshia and Grandma Trish made it in time for us to have a good camera. 

As the doctor was performing Mommy’s c-section, Daddy was prepared to take pictures of your grand entry.  The camera dangled from Daddy’s neck.  Mommy could tell he was a little nervous.  I think the anesthesiologist could too.  That’s when she asked if we would like for her to snap a few pictures for us.  Daddy was quick to say yes.  Mommy was glad he would be able to watch you enter this world with his own eyes, instead of through the lens of a camera.

The camera clicked away.  The dark room with the large spot-light on the main attraction made for the perfect pictures.  Mommy and Daddy joked later on that we should have paid that sweet anesthesiologist photography fees.  That’s just how good the pictures turned out.  It certainly didn’t hurt that we had a good camera.

Those pictures we have are so precious to us.

Fast forward to last week.  On Friday, December 4^th your Aunt Keshia welcomed a baby boy, Felix, into this world.  This was the first baby she has had since Mommy became a mom.  As Mommy walked down the long corridor of the hospital with Grandma Trish by my side, Mommy thought back to the night you were born.  That image of Aunt Keshia and Grandma Trish rushing down the hall at the exact moment I was being whisked away to surgery was so vivid in my memory.  To think that a few seconds might have meant not capturing this moment, Mommy’s so glad they made it.

Mommy is so thankful for the sweet memories.  It’s these memories Mommy holds close.

Love you, miss you, and think of you often baby girl.

Meet your newest cousin, Felix.  Isn't he the cutest little thing? :)

The Five People

Many years before you were born Mommy read the book The Five People You Meet in Heaven.  The big lesson Mommy got from the book was, while you may not realize it at the time, people are placed in your life at certain times and for certain purposes.  It's not until you get to Heaven that you discover the true purpose.  Events that may have seemed insignificant at the time, can sometimes have big effects on us later on.  For someone who doesn't read books often (outside the realm of my second grade classroom :), this book was one Mommy couldn't put down.

August of 2003 is when Mommy and her started working together.  We were both graduate assistants in the College of Education at EKU.  We worked together everyday, just about.  Our favorite part of our day was eating lunch at Powell.  That's where we had some of our best conversations.  That's when we talked about things that really mattered.  That's where she shared about her mom.

Several years before we had met she had lost her mom to breast cancer.  It was easy to see how much she missed her mom and how not having her mom deeply impacted her ability to experience complete joy in life's biggest events - her wedding, graduation, first job- and the small things too. Watching and listening, she reminded me how precious and irreplaceable the mother-daughter relationship is.

She also talked about God.  She talked about her faith.  She talked about Heaven.  We prayed together and became very close friends. Three years later Mommy asked her to be a bridesmaid in Mommy and Daddy's wedding.

Fast forward...

July of 2009 is when Mommy first met her.  Mommy had started a new teaching position in kindergarten.  She was several years older and her children were older too. One a teenager, the other in middle school.  Mommy and her hit it off right away.

It happened just a week before school was to begin.  Her son and his close friend had been involved in an accident.  Her son turned out to be ok, but his best friend had passed away.  This tragic event devastated so many people, especially her son.

That year was tough for her. Many Thursdays we spent working late on the next week's plans.  During these late nights we would talk about things -our kids, our pasts, our families, the tragedy.  Mommy did a lot of talking (imagine that :) and even more listening. That year we got to know each other very well.  

We were both new to kindergarten so we worked closely together every day.  Our classrooms were even joined together, our desks just a few feet away.  She loved teaching and she loved having you visit our classrooms.  You had a way of livening up our days.

The next summer tragedy struck Mommy's life.  That's when you passed away.  The whole next year she did the listening and often lent Mommy a shoulder to cry on.  Her, along with Mommy's teaching assistant, provided the strength, encouragement, and laughter Mommy needed to get through the day to day.

As time moved forward, so did Mommy's teaching partner.  The next summer Mommy found herself working with a new partner.  Fresh from Fayette County and with several years of kindergarten teaching experience under her belt, Mommy was happy to be able to learn from someone new.  It was also exciting for Mommy since this new partner also had a baby about the same age as Layne.  Having this new friend with so much in common was just what Mommy needed.

Over the next two years Mommy and this new friend got to know one another really well.  Even Layne and her son had become good buddies too.  Dates to Chickfila turned into invites to birthday parties and after school playdates at the park. As time went on we became each other's rock when strength was what we needed.  She listened when Mommy wanted to talk about you, and I listened when she wanted to talk about things private to her.

Just when Mommy's life was beginning to look up, and as we were about to start exciting new jobs together at a brand new school, the most devastating news imaginable was given to her family.  Her husband, just 34, was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  Surgeries, chemo, tests, scans.  Grief, sadness, lost hope, overwhelming anxiety.  Over the past two years Mommy has walked alongside her.   To talk, to listen, to just be a friend who understands a little about grief.

Just a few weeks ago she was given the unbelievable news that her husband has

just three to six months to live.  Last weekend her husband was baptized.

As Mommy thinks about that book...Mommy thinks about people like Sarah and Debbie and Jessica. Mommy thinks about my life path and the paths of all those others who just so happened to collide with mine. Coincidence? I think not. God must have known how much we would need one another at different points.

And that's just three.  Mommy wonders about those I have yet to meet. Perhaps it will all make sense one day when we meet in Heaven.

Until then...love you, miss you, think of you every single day sweet Kaden Layne...

Empty Spot

Hi Sweet Girl...

It's hard to fathom another month has passed.  The days seem to go by in a blink of an eye.  Jack is crawling and in to everything these days, and Layne can't seem to find a moment to play without him trying to grab everything in sight.  While it frustrates her to no end, Mommy and Daddy are secretly enjoying their little squabbles.  We've waited so long to finally get to experience the joys and trials siblings bring to a family.

One thing your sister, Layne, really enjoys to do with Jack is swing.  She loves to swing him in the little red baby swing we have hanging out back.

Mommy thinks back to when we first got that little baby swing back when you were so small.  Inspired by Papaw's swing in our big favorite tree, Mommy picked this one up at a yard sale when you were about six months old. Daddy hung it under the deck right by the steps.  It was a perfect spot since the decking was so high.  As you grew older, you could swing so big.  Mommy remembers the certain creaky sound it made as it moved back and forth through the air.  Swinging made you so happy and your smile would be as big as your face! :)

Mommy remembers back to the day after you passed away. Coming home with Daddy to our quiet house on that July day, Mommy remembers going outside to the deck to have some time by myself. Sitting there in the quiet thinking of you, Mommy heard the light creaky sound of your empty swing beneath me being pushed around by the wind.  The thought of your swing was too much for Mommy to bear.  All Mommy could do is sob as I thought of how desolate life would be without you.

Just like a lot of your other things, Mommy and Daddy put your swing away.

The next summer, several months after your little sister was born, Daddy got out your old swing and added some fresh red paint and hung it beneath a new part of our deck.  We would swing Layne just like we did you.  And just like you, she would smile the biggest smile.

As time has passed your little sis has grown too heavy for your little swing.  Layne's legs stretch down to the bushes that line the patio beneath.  While your little swing is still the perfect size for Jack, Daddy knew it was time to build something new.

And build he did!  On top of the hill, behind your special garden, Daddy spent all week digging holes, measuring posts, mixing concrete, and ordering parts.  Daddy stayed up late measuring and putting together the hardware for the swings and trapeze.  He even woke up extra early on Friday to hang everything just right. On Friday afternoon, Daddy surprised Layne (and Jack, too) with their new swing!
















With the sweetest look of excitement, Layne ran across the yard, climbed into the center swing, and began to pump her legs back and forth as Daddy pushed.  Mommy put Jack in the baby swing next to her. It was in that moment that Layne, with pure elation in her voice, made her innocent observation.  "Daddy," she said. "There's a spot here for me, Jack, and Kaden!"

Mommy and Daddy just looked at one another and smiled a despondent smile.

We sure wish you were here, Sweet Girl, to take pleasure in that empty spot on the swing set.

You and Mommy

You and Daddy

Brave

Mommy picked up the frame and wiped the dust from the edges.  My heart began to race.  Mommy said a little prayer under my breath.  God, please let me have courage...  Please don't let me cry.  As Mommy walked through the crowd to my chair, Mommy felt excited.  Then nervous.  Then sad.  Then worried.  What if this becomes more than what I want it to?  What if they have questions?  Will I have all the right answers?  What if the others get upset that they weren't included?  So many worries spun around inside Mommy's head in that moment.

Mommy sat down in the little green chair.  I wiped more dust off the glass and turned the frame around.

A few weeks earlier school had come back into session.  As always, Mommy was excited and nervous about beginning another year with a new group of students.  Back when you first passed away Mommy found solace in work.    It was the one thing that was constant amongst all the chaos all around.  It was the one thing Mommy could control back when so much of life felt out of control.  

Teaching was my identity before Mommy became a mom.  Hours were spent planning, preparing, loving, and caring on my kiddos at school.  When Mommy was pregnant with you Mommy loved sharing my experiences with my class of second graders.  Each week a different student would help measure to see how much bigger around my belly had grown. We kept a belly chart posted on the wall.  They made the journey toward motherhood that much more exciting!

The night you decided to start your journey into this world Mommy stayed well past six getting Valentine's Day activities ready for the next day's centers.  Excited. Nervous. Sad.  It seemed like this was the cycle of emotions Mommy felt throughout the night you came.  As Mommy's students entered the classroom the next day they were greeted with a sub and a giant banner that read "Welcome Baby Harris"!  Surprised was the main reaction.  You weren't suppose to come that soon.  Mommy wasn't supposed to be gone that soon either.

The transition from teacher to full-time mom was more difficult than Mommy had anticipated.  Mommy missed the daily conversations and hugs I would get from my students. Mommy missed the fast-paced schedule and  predictable routine. In the beginning for a short time, Mommy even had bouts of the post-pardum blues. I look back and wonder how much of it had to do with leaving a group of students Mommy loved so much.

As time went on Mommy's students from that year grew to love their substitute teacher. I grew to love you more than Mommy ever knew I could love something.   It became clear as the school year came to an end that Mommy would be better off working at a school closer to home.  That way, I could be closer to you.  That's when Mommy took a job in Kindergarten.

Here is the artwork students from Model Laboratory School created in your memory. 

 Next to it is a placard with your picture and these words: "Experiencing life, love, and loss with their teacher."  

It hangs by the indoor garden near Mommy's old room. 

Kindergarten.  

As the weeks in Kindergarten turned into months, Mommy found so many teachable moments that involved you.  Stories and songs, books and puppets were all first tried on you at home.  My new students at my new school loved hearing about you more than anything else. They asked about you all the time. And having a classroom assistant who was like a grandma to you made Mommy's new school a perfect fit!  

It was a little over three weeks after you passed away that Mommy was due to return to work.  Many people wondered if Mommy would take some time off.  Time off to do what? I wondered. Without you at home Mommy felt lost.  Mommy's identity as a mother was suddenly take away.  I didn't know who I was.  The only thing in life that was familiar at the time was teaching.  And teaching is where Mommy would escape.

When school went back into session that year Mommy added two new pictures to the wall behind my desk.  Collages of you that your Aunt Keshia had made for your funeral.  In the beginning Mommy would just stare at the memories that were captured in that frame.  Sometimes I would cry. By the end of the year Mommy was able to smile.

Occasionally there would be a kindergartener notice the frame.  They would comment with things like That's a cute baby or She's a pretty little girl.  When your sister Layne came along many of Mommy's kindergarteners would look at the pictures and assume the little girl with the bow in her hair was her.  Anytime one would ask, Mommy's assistant was quick to intervene just so Mommy didn't have to have the conversation.  Whatever she said to them must have been just right.  She always had a way with talking to kids.  

Mommy would avoid conversations about family with my kindergarten students.  If any of them asked, Mommy would focus on Layne and our cats, Frank and Sammy.  It wasn't that Mommy didn't want to include you, it was just that Mommy wasn't prepared to answer questions they might have.  Mommy worried about making them worried.  Not knowing what it was that took you from us, made it even harder.  Would four and five year olds understand?

So when Mommy moved back to teaching second graders, keeping your story private seemed much easier than having that conversation. For two years Mommy did just that.  Mommy kept your picture on the windowsill behind my desk.  When any student would look at it and comment how cute "Layne" was, Mommy would smile and think of you.  

All that changed a few weeks ago.  As my new second graders spent the week bringing in pictures and telling about their families, Mommy realized it might be time.  

So as Mommy sat down in that little green chair and as 26 pairs of eyes were glued on me with my picture of you in one hand and Jack's birth announcement in the other, Mommy got brave.  

"Many of you look at this picture.... Many of you look at it and see Mr. Harris and me and this little girl.  Many of you see this little girl and say ' Awe, isn't Layne so cute?'"    

Mommy smiled and took a breath.  The kids in the middle of the rug smiled back and shook their head.  The whole class was still and quiet.

"Well, let me tell you about this little girl in this picture."  Mommy's voice was calm.  The words came to mind much easier than I expected.

"The little girl in this picture," Mommy said slowly, "Her name is Kaden -  Kaden Layne.  This is my little girl." Mommy said. 

This is our last family photo with you.  

It was the end of our vacation at the Outer Banks.  

We sure had fun making memories that week.  

It felt so good to say your name. Like a good secret bottled up, it was a relief to share you with them. I went on.  

"She passed away in her sleep when she was 16 months and we aren't really sure why."

Mommy and my students went on to talk about you and about how some families look a little different from others.

  "She's a part of my family." I went on to say.   "I haven't had the courage to talk about her with a group of students until now."  

To Mommy's surprise, this group of students responded with the utmost compassion and concern.  Instead of asking questions that Mommy wasn't prepared to answer, many of them responded with sweet comments and expressions of love.    Being free to remember you openly felt so good.  Being able to talk about you helped Mommy revive your memory. I love that most!

Next year my class of second graders will be the class you would have been part of.  I can already foresee Mommy standing back as the girls play at recess and wondering who it is you would have been friends with.   For now, Mommy's going to use this year and this group of students to help me prepare. 

Love you Sweet Girl...

This was you at 8 months.  It's neat to see how much Jack looks like you. 

He loves to smile a wide-open smile like you did.  

 Here's a little flashback.  Jack looks just like you at 8 months. :)

https://youtu.be/-WVlBXb1bQk

Here's another with your Harris Hopper's class t-shirt. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFgRuaA77j8&feature=youtu.be

T

The Club

Sweet Girl...

When Mommy was young I remember wanting to be a girl scout so bad.  I can recall the first time I learned about them.  It was a friend I met at my new school in fifth grade.  Mommy was trying to find my place in the new group of people. There was something about being part of a club that seemed so neat to me. At ten years-old, it was probably the cute uniform with all the patches that appealed so much to me.  Unfortunately joining the girl scouts didn't really fit into my family's schedule or budget. And Mommy was okay with that. :)

Later on, when I started high school, Mommy made it a point to be part of as many clubs as I could.  From Key Club to Beta Club, Mommy loved the chance to be part of a group.  I loved the way each club had its own focus and opportunities for service.  Most of them cost little to nothing to be part of and left Mommy's schedule over-the-top full.  Clubs were just Mommy's thing.

When Mommy went off to college the same was true.  Mommy joined a sorority and was part of the Panhellenic Council and Student Government.  It was through these groups that Mommy met some of my best friends.  The people I had the privilege of working with taught me so much about drive and determination.  They were often the models of service too.

Mommy loved the idea of being part of the club.

In July of 2010, Mommy found herself part of one club no mother, daughter, sister or friend ever wants to be a part of.

Club Grief.

In the days, weeks, and months after you passed, Mommy met and learned about so many other mothers who unexpectedly lost a child.  Several reached out to Mommy to share their story.  Many gave Mommy books or cards offering encouragement and support.  They became like mentors. Some Mommy met at your visitation.  Others were complete strangers.  Strangers or not, we shared one thing in common.

Being a part of this club helped Mommy know that the feelings I experienced were completely normal.  Someone understood the emptiness and the bizarre feelings that were often associated with everyday, simple routines and tasks.  Even my closest friends, whom I had known for years, couldn't understand the roller coaster of emotions grief brings like those who shared this common bond.

It's kind of ironic. This club Mommy was once thankful to have, is one Mommy has grown to despise and hate so very much in recent years.  Why, you might wonder? The club has grown larger in number.  From car wrecks to SIDS, miscarriages and random accidents, there have been too many.  Mommy's heart hurts so much for these mothers experiencing these fresh wounds.  Each time Mommy learns of another member, I can't help but feel the need to reach out.

And it's not just the mothers.  It's the friends whose husbands are battling cancer and whose lives have been flipped upside down.  It's the daughters who have lost their own mothers and are trying to navigate this life without the support and encouragement they so desperately need.  It's the family who's faced with divorce and having to find a new normal.  When Mommy looks around I see so many hurting, grieving people.

The Club. It's not always easy.  It's hard to find the right words when greeting the new members. There's no badge of honor worn on our lapels.  Instead, there is a heavy weight that rests upon our shoulders.  It's hard to get through the days and it's often difficult to think beyond the loss.  Members may not wear uniforms, but in our eyes you can see.

Grief is hard.  Mommy thinks about all those people experiencing it now.  Mommy's prayer is simple...

God, please bring peace and comfort to the broken hearted...

Love you and miss you sweet girl!

You at 6 Months

Jack at 7 Months

Once Upon a Dream

You at 5 months old. You're about Jack's age here.

Hi Baby Girl...

One of the things your little sister Layne loves to do more than anything is dance.  Each day she'll ask for Daddy or Mommy to put on music.  She'll waltz in the living room dressed in a princess costume wearing her ballet shoes.  If we are lucky we can sit back and watch.  But most of the time she insists one of us dance with her. 

  Layne dancing around the living room.

               

This summer has been especially rainy. In our house rainy days mean movie days!  Layne and Mommy love theses kinds of days.  We often veg out on the living room floor watching Disney classics.  We've probably watched Frozen a hundred times.  Even Jack has been known to pay attention a time or two as well.  Movie days are definitely lazy days for us.

Just a few weeks ago Mommy put on the movie Sleeping Beauty. Layne had seen it a few times before but this was one of the first times for Mommy. As we watched, Mommy really began to enjoy the pretty singing voice of Princess Aurora.  One of Mommy's favorite songs from the movie was Once Upon a Dream.  As the song began to play Layne stood with her arms stretched out toward me. "Let's dance, momma!"

How could I resist?  Holding Layne's hands, we did our own version of the waltz around the living room as we listened to the words...

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream

I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam

Yet I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem

But if I know you, I know what you'll do

You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream 

But if I know you, I know what you do

You love me at once 

The way you did once upon a dream 

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream

I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam 

And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem

But if I know you, I know what you'll do

You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

It's been a few weeks since Mommy and Layne first danced to this song.  Ever since, Mommy cannot seem to shake it from my memory.  I find myself singing it all the time.  Each time I find myself thinking of you.  

You just a week before you passed away.

Yesterday marks five years since Mommy and Daddy last had you here with us. The first few days after you passed were filled with tremendous shock and sadness.  Soon after, Mommy remembers feeling so desperate to know what it felt like to be with you again.  Mommy's prayers became requests to God to let me see you again, at least in my dreams.  It was probably two or three weeks after your funeral when Mommy finally dreamed of you.  

Mommy remembers being on a beach, kind of like the one we last vacationed at in the Outer Banks.  Mommy remembers seeing you and me running toward one another and then hugging the biggest hug.  It was a lot like the scenes from one of those sappy love movies.  It was strange because I was able to watch both of us, as if I was a bystander.  Mommy wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean.  It didn't matter. It felts so good to dream about you and me together.  Even though it didn't last long, it was just enough to leave mommy feeling a little more full.  Mommy has only dreamt of you one other time since then. 

When I hear that song I often think of how Mommy once knew you oh so well.  I often think about how our short time together, with the memories and emotions that linked us together as Mommy and Daughter, feels so much like a dream.  Sometimes I think about what it will be like to see you in heaven one day.  In my mind, Mommy plays this song and imagines you and me dancing and hugging and holding hands. Mommy misses that so much.

Because I knew you, I walked with you once upon a dream...

Love you and miss you always my sweet Kaden Layne. 

These are our last pictures you and Mommy had taken together.  We were at Uncle Mike and Aunt Linda's July Fourth cookout.